celeb sexings

Omg They R Totez Going Out: The Miranda Kerr And Orlando Bloom Story

4:50PM Clem Bastow | As if it hasn’t been patently obvious to anyone with eyes, Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom have been in each others’ pants giving each other a good Nichiren Buddhism seeing each other for some time now. Well, appropriately since Miranda is, how could we forget, A Good Aussie Girl™, they have “gone public” with their luuuurve at the Randwick races this weekend just past – and the Herald Sun didn’t resist the chance to get all romance novel on our asses: The couple were at ease and very much in love, often stealing a kiss during quiet moments, with Bloom wrapping his arm around Kerr. Hahaha, “very much in love” has to be one of the most hilariously overused gossip/women’s mags phrases of all time, and follows in the time honoured tradition of celebrity journalist code. So, “very much in love” = “basically dry humping”. Some other favourites include “finally gained some much needed curves” (= “has been eating all the pies”) and “looking fresh faced and fabulous” (= “for Christ’s sake, put some makeup on you monster”). Feel free to add your own to our growing dictionary. More »

Daily Mail Puzzled By Vladimir Putin’s Pantsman Tendencies

9:30AM Clem Bastow | Defamer Australia and Russian President Vladimir Putin go way back, so we were delighted to see that he’s in the news again – evidently this time for schtupping some hot, young rhythmic gymnast. Apparently Putin has split from his wife and excitedly plans to shack up with the pretty 24-year-old post haste. It seems the Daily Mail were excited, too: We love it. We love the expanded version from the story itself even more: So, Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, what do you see in a 24-year-old, sensationally beautiful gymnast with a penchant for posing semi-naked that you don’t see in your lovely, middle-aged, matronly wife Ludmilla? We’re not sure what they mean by emphasising her gymnastic tendencies, unless it’s that rather sad blokey thing of discussing new babes’ yoga/ballet/gymnastic skills as though they will likely lead to bedroom prowess. The reality is, yoga/ballet/gymnastic skills are probably less likely to equal “cracker in the sack” than they are “slightly highly strung, a bit too skinny to cuddle and probably obsessed with stinky weight-loss herbal teas”. More »

Kate Moss “Announces” Marriage; Somewhere, Pete Doherty Whimpers Softly

5:12PM Clem Bastow | We’ve been watching Kate Moss’ burgeoning relationship with The Kills’ Jamie Hince for some time, repeating a mantra of “DON’T FUCK IT UP” in the hope that all will go well and she will never, ever return to the nicotine-stained side of Pete Doherty. Well, it looks as though our words of love and support have worked their cosmic charms – it seems Hince and Moss, on hols in Amsterdam, are set to wed! A source told The Sun: “They were looking very loved-up. Kate was so excited it looked like she had just accepted his proposal there and then. She was very happy. “She came out giggling and seemed a little bit tipsy. Lots of fans were taking her picture on their mobile phones. She told them, ‘I’m getting married’.” The source added: “One girl asked her when, and she said, ‘Soon’.” Kate also reportedly talked about her marriage plans to a unnamed fashion journalist she met in the city’s Cafe Tabac. We don’t usually invest much energy into celebrity couplings, but we’ve always loved Kate Moss and we do think Jamie Hince is a bit spesh (his band’s certainly better than Doherty’s efforts), so this is Defamer Australia, officially crossing our fingers that this is all true and good. More »

Elle And Bryan Sitting In The Tree…

4:04PM Clem Bastow | We weren’t aware that Elle MacPherson and Bryan Adams had dated in the first place (unless by “dated” you mean “Bryan took a photo of her”); last we heard, she was playing Mrs Robinson to Vito Schnabel, a 21-year-old art curator. In any case, evidently they did, and now they’re back on again. Ain’t love grand? Earlier in the evening, the Aussie fashionista was described as “goggle-eyed” as she watched Adams perform. Concert insiders claimed Macpherson was singing along to new songs never heard before by devoted fans (raising an eyebrow she’s enjoyed private previews). Ever the host, Adams seemed to pull out all stops to entertain the sexy single, with the duet enjoying dinner at London’s chic Wolseley restaurant before adjourning to his mansion in ritzy Sloane Square. We wonder if Bryan treated Elle to a special performance of (Defamer Australia Editor’s favourite song) The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me (Is You)? More »

“Who Is Carson Kressley’s Down Under Lover?” You Tell Us, Sydney Confidential!

11:04AM Clem Bastow | We love it when our distant relatives in celebrity gossipmongering over at News Ltd’s Confidential turn water-cooler rumours into stories – the latest in this long line of journalistic excellence is their piece on Carson Kressley, who is currently visiting our shores and was in town for Mardis Gras this weekend past. Evidently Carson might be enjoying a little Australian romance, not that you’d be any more enlightened on the topic after reading Confidential’s coverage of the topic: Kressley has made no secret he’s on the lookout for love and has been trawling Sydney and Melbourne for potentials, since splitting from his partner late last year. Pals of the celebrity stylist were staying mum on the identity of the lucky fellow, but no secret stays secret for long when the Oxford St mafia twig to who’s dating where. “Who’s dating where”? Is that a bum-sex reference, team? And “The Oxford St mafia”? Is Confidential comparing Sydney’s gay community to a notorious crime syndicate? Meanwhile, we remain as clear on the topic of Carson’s “down under lover” as we were at the beginning of this piece – do you know who it is? What year is it currently? Who is the Prime Minister of Australia? Tell us! ED: In fairness, I don’t mind throwing the word “mafia” around from time to time… especially behind words like “pink” and “cashmere”. More worrying was the original online version of this story which actually said “Who’s dating wear” instead of “Who’s dating where” – I’m not quite sure what either version is supposed to mean. More »

Orlando’s Miranda Rights

9:23AM Clem Bastow | They’ve been rumoured to be dating since last year, all the while choosing to institute the ‘just good friends’ policy, but it’s now become apparent that Australian supermodel Miranda Kerr and not-very-good-but-very-good-looking actor Orlando Bloom will have to resort to bald-faced lying if they are to continue denying their relationship. After apparently spending time together in New York and even, if you believe the spies, Sydney, the leggy pair have been spotted out and about in London. He’s the heart-throb of thousands of women, but there’s bad news, girls – actor Orlando Bloom seems stuck on supermodel Miranda Kerr. The pair, who have been seeing each other on and off since last April, were spotted enjoying a late-night embrace after a romantic evening out in London last week. Incredibly boring quotes, we know, but the proof is in the pudding, i.e. the photo. In fact, if we may take a moment to play Who Weekly Body Language Expert, Orlando’s employment of a loving Cro Magnon neck grip on Miranda, who is attempting to stick her nose into his eye-socket as a protective sign of affection, is all the evidence we need that Miranda is in fact pregnant and that Orlando used to be a woman from Haiti with commitment issues. Or something like that; we haven’t quite achieved our Certificate III in body language analysis. More »

Ryan Phillippe Urges You Not To Order That Abbie Cornish Voodoo Doll

8:59AM Clem Bastow | Ryan Phillippe has come out in defense of his alleged giirrrrrllllfriend Abbie Cornish – who was seen putting a Christmas wreath on her head in an effort to impress his children over the holidays – and says that, contrary to the belief of the gossip mag set, she was in fact not the reason he and America’s Sweetheart™ Reese Witherspoon broke up. Phillippe and Cornish have been sort of dating for a fair while now and we’re sure her tendency to wear topiary as hats has nothing to do with his reticence when it comes to officially confirming their relationship. He claimed the reason for the break-up from the mother of his two children was “far more complicated and far less interesting than it was made out to be”. “It was unfair for (Abbie) to be called the names that she was, because it wasn’t about that,” he said. Cornish was mauled by the American showbiz media over the rumoured role she played in wooing Witherspoon’s husband when the pair met on the set of Stop: Loss. But Phillippe said no other woman was responsible for his divorce. “I don’t think an outside person can ever cause a divorce. I had difficulties in my relationship and in my marriage long before I ever met (Abbie).” Well, that’s good then, because it was causing almighty tears in the space/time fabric of Australian women’s magazines – on the one hand, they wanted to call her “lovely”, “radiant” and “beautiful”, but they can’t use those words if she’s a marriage wrecking harlot, either, and lord knows the Weekly et al love to call a woman “lovely”. More »

Inside The “Intriguing” World Of Tilda Swinton’s Love Life

4:58PM Clem Bastow | Here at Defamer Australia, we know that you – our lovely readers – are a discerning bunch, but that you also sometimes just want to hear about celebrity relationship gossip. Well, we are pleased to be able to bring you both with this tale of proper actress Tilda Swinton (you may remember her as Orlando, or perhaps as the Angel Gabriel in Constantine, memorably telling Keanu Reeves “You’re f–ked”) and her wild and wacky love life! In “Celebs! They’re not much like us at all, really” news, the UK press are fascinated by the cult actress’ decision to have both a long-term partner (who is the father of her children) and a lover, and the fact that all three are apparently perfectly happy with this set-up. Read on! This week, a handsome German-born artist named Sandro Kopp – 29 to her 47 – was playing the role of consort. … But the question of who is playing a supporting role to Ms Swinton is not exactly clear cut. For at home – a spectacular pile on the banks of the Moray Firth – is Swinton’s long-term love John Byrne. And yesterday he revealed that he is very much a part of Swinton’s life still. Indeed, he made it clear that he and Swinton still love each other, and that they continue to raise their ten-year-old twins Xavier and Honor together at their whitewashed home, which is in a secluded spot at the end of a tree-lined road. This is extraordinary enough. But there’s more. Is there, The Daily Mail? And is this “more” also “extraordinary”? You mean some people have unconventional love lives and are, gasp, actually happy? We don’t believe it – we simply don’t believe it! Pray tell, what of the rest of the family? The twins, it emerges, were with Swinton and her lover at the Bafta’s ceremony, and returned to the family home as a group – including Kopp – on Tuesday afternoon. They were greeted at the door by Byrne, who helped them with their cases. The unconventional menage then retired inside. Kopp, it seems, is staying over in Scotland for a few days, with the full blessing of Byrne, an eccentrically bewhiskered figure who, aged 67, could almost be cast in the role of grandfather. … The locals are kept busy trying to work out what on earth is going on behind the closed doors of the Swinton-Byrne residence. The truth, according to associates of Swinton, is that she is very deeply in love – with both men. And far from being a passing phase she is said to hope that it continues indefinitely. “All I can tell you,” said a London associate of the actress, “is that Tilda is delightfully, extremely happy.” We bet she is! The article goes on to provide some lovely quotes from all involved, as well as Swinton’s mother and a few locals, who seem bemused if impressed by the extended clan’s modus operandi. We love it! Tilda Swinton is now officially Defamer Australia’s new Sting and Trudie “We Actually Quite Like Checking Out Sex Clubs And Sucking Each Other’s Toes” Styler, and we for one welcome our new polyamorous overlords! More »

“O.chunk” Dating Aussie Starlet

1:27PM Clem Bastow | We were somewhat puzzled, and then amused, this morning when we were trying to work out who “O.Chunk” might be – when we clicked the link, we realised that News Ltd’s exemplary online subediting work was trying to tell us it was “O.C. hunk” Adam Brody – and, wouldn’t you know it, he’s putting it in some Aussie starlet we’d struggle to name in a police line-up! Yes, he’s dating Teresa Palmer, his co-star in the 2manySuperheroes flick, Justice League Of America. Who knew the formerly nerdy Seth Cohen had it in him, eh? While she’s set to kill his character, Wall West aka The Flash, in the superhero blockbuster, it was all sweet lovin’ for the off-screen couple, who held hands and cuddled up over dinner at Lotus restaurant in Potts Point on Saturday night. Onlookers who contacted Confidential yesterday were stunned to see the celebrity duo, who sat in a party of six, going largely unnoticed for the duration of their meal. It’s not the first time Brody’s been all over an Aussie girl; last year he was spotted making out with hot ranga model Tiah Eckhardt on the grass at an AIDS fundraiser. So there you have it: charitable aspiring actresses of Australia, YOU could be next to feel the seed of Brody! More »

Sting Spotted Sucking Wife’s Toes On Sydney Harbour; Later Pulling Tantric Sex Moves At Top Of Opera House

1:30PM Clem Bastow | Well, maybe not, but at least the first part of our headline is true – those wacky Tantra-loving Brits are at it again! As you will likely be aware, The Police have brought their reunion tour to Australia, and in the meantime between concert dates, Sting, his wife Trudie Styler, and their kids are hanging out on the monster-bucks boat that Sting hired to moor in Sydney Harbour. Ostensibly this was so they could have a prime posi for the New Year’s Eve celebrations, but now we know the truth, i.e. that it’s a great place to get into a little “Squidgy” action. Docked in Sydney harbour on a hired yacht costing £17,500 a day, Sting gently raised Trudie Styler’s left leg to his mouth – and sucked her toes. The Police singer, whose personal life has been surrounded by rumours of tantric sex and swingers’ parties, also found time to massage her feet as she reclined on a sunlounger. Really, by this time in all our lives we should expect nothing less from Sting and Styler. It’s like that crazy old lady you always see on the tram; “Oh, there she goes again”. We were, though, tickled by this comment left on the Daily Mail site after the article: “Surprised that either of them has time for anyone else – they are so far up themselves.” “Freddie” from Northants, we salute you! More »