Quentin Tarantino and Brad Pitt's Teutonic catalogue-shoot adventure became all the more glamorous today as news leaked that Hong Kong icon Maggie Cheung is preparing to join the cast of Inglourious Basterds [sic]. Not to be outdone, Tarantino alum Samuel L. Jackson finally got around to reading the bootlegged script on his desktop, apparently phoning the filmmaker to lobby for some motherfucking narration up in this motherfucking war movie. And it worked!

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Jesus wept. Channel Nine are making a local version of Ladette To Lady, and they're looking for potential makeover candidates. Do you fit the criteria, vagina owning Defamer Australia readers?

Are you a woman with a loud mouth? A foul-mouth?
Can you drink any bloke under the table?
Are you more interested in footy than fashion?
Are you a domestic disaster?
Consider yourself a party animal?

YES! YES! THAT'S ME! WHY? DO YOU THINK I SOUND LIKE A 'CATCH'?

If this sounds like you, then you might be a "ladette" - a foul-mouthed, loud and uncultured young woman who needs a crash course in etiquette and manners.

Oh my god. That's so depressing.

If you're a filthy beer-swilling lass with the mouth of a trucker, I guess I'll be seeing you at Eggleston Hall Finishing School later in the year.

Apply here, fellow revolting women.

Sometimes we feel the need to get down on our knees and bow down to Mother of the Century Dina Lohan. Not only did she produce the neverending carnival ride that is Lindsay Lohan, but she has managed to do the impossible: get Ali Lohan a job. Sure, Ali was supposed to be a rap star or white hip hop lyricist or something, but a gig is a gig. Proving that one should always be careful of what they wish for, Ali's desire to "be just like Lindsay" has manifested in the form of a potential starring role in the remake of a 1980s cult not-so-classic. But before congratulating the 15-year old by sending over a giant supply of cokepants and nail polish to Casa Lohan, we're forced to rain on this pitiful parade by informing you which movie Ali's Big Break will be in: the remake of Troll. Why this is quite possibly the worst idea in the history of ideas, after the jump.

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This pairing of actor and sugar-coated-horror material isn't yet on any studio production slate (it's rather the brainchild of a rogue Photoshopper answering Cracked.com's call for ill-conceived movie monsters), but that doesn't mean the idea is entirely without its merits. For once every comic book superhero has been plundered and replundered, producers of overbaked summer blockbusters will be forced to draw from other beloved, hand-drawn characters of our youth. And hey, once we're fantasising about Oscar-winning talent like Bardem in the lead, there's no reason why we couldn't shoot for the moon in rounding out the rest of the cast of The Brown Knight: Count Chocula Begins: Philip Seymour Hoffman as Franken Berry, and Jake Gyllenhaal in the role of their dreamy-eyed sidekick, Boo Berry.

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The new 90210 has its first cast member, and (yipee!), he's got a blog. Here's what we know so far about 22-year-old Dustin Milligan, who previously played the CW series lottery with a starring role in Runaway:

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Despite reports that How I Met Your Mother has already ridden the Britney ratings train to fourth season security, the show can't ... stop ... stunting! In a season that's already given us the varied guesting talents of Enrique Iglesias, Mandy Moore, Heidi Klum, Vanessa Minnillo, Sarah Chalke and, of course, Miss Spears herself, E! is reporting that James Van Der Beek is now paddling himself out of the increasingly swampy confines of Obscurity Creek and into the Land Of Laugh Tracks.

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A frustrated, out-of-work actor has taken to Craigslist in search of "alternative methods" to prepare for an upcoming audition: "One of my friends suggested I get into white magic, but I think I should find a expert or someone who knows what they are doing...if you could write me with whatever idea/spell you have to help me that would be great, because like I said I have never done this before." It's actually not the craziest idea we've ever heard, but we'd caution that this sort of thing isn't for the casual dark arts dabbler; properly casting a casting spell is a science, if anything, requiring just the right measurements of eye of lapdog, hair of Andy Dick, and breath of 1st AD. [Craigslist]

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Michelle Trachtenberg has proven herself the ideal go-to actress for naughty TV guest appearance: When she portrayed Sarah Michelle Gellar's "normal" little sister on Buffy, she had a penchant for kleptomania, on Law & Order: CI, she masterfully outwitted the cops and the media by staging an online kidnapping, and she perfected the demanding pop star character of Celeste on Six Feet Under. So it's no surprise that the actress's upcoming guest appearance on Gossip Girl will feature her wreaking havoc on fellow rehabber Serena. We're not sure possessing the natural ability to portray bitchy sidekicks is a blessing or a curse, but in Michelle's case, we always find her small-screen bad-girl characters are ones worth rooting for. [THR]

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We guide you now to Gawker for complete coverage of the shocking--simply shocking!--sex scandal in which New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer currently finds himself embroiled, as all we at Defamer are interested in is who should play Eliot and wife Silda in the inevitable CBS Movie of the Week:

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We never could have anticipated the groundswell of interest that would follow our noting of crank-calling recidivist Thelma Dennis, whose addiction to dialing 999 has thrown all of Britain under a state of fake-bomb-threat siege. While we took your many casting and title suggestions for the inevitable MOW into serious consideration, one in particular, courtesy of commenter Gwendolyn, was particularly inspired, sending us directly to the Defamer Side-By-Side-O-Tron 2000 to whip up the above illustration. Ladies and gentlemen: Brian Posehn IS Thelma Dennis. We thank everyone else for coming out to the audition. [brianposehn.com]

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