career choices

Warwick Capper For Gold Coast City Mayor

7:20AM Jess McGuire | Former AFL star and reality television pants dropper Warwick Capper has thrown his hat gold hotpants into the ring for the upcoming Gold Coast City election, eyeing off the rather powerful position of mayor. So far, we can’t envision anything getting in the way of such an intelligent, respected man waltzing straight into the top (council) job. Former AFL star Warwick Capper has turned his focus to politics, announcing he will run for mayor of the Gold Coast. Capper, who has recently worked as a Gold Coast “meter man” topping up parking meters on the Queensland tourist strip, says he will run as a mayoral candidate in the Gold Coast City election next March. He joins a growing list of challengers to mayor and former Olympian Ron Clarke, which also includes Elvis impersonator Dean Vegas, who unsuccessfully contested the 2004 election. Uh-oh. First hurdle, Warwick. You’re going up against Dean Vegas? We saw Dean Vegas perform at North Sydney Leagues Club about four or five years ago, and the man is a walking charisma machine. Plus, he did this adorable thing where instead of singing “Return To Sender” he’d sing “Return My Blender” and HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA DO YOU SEE WHAT HE DID THERE? “I’ve got a huge background over the last 22 years,” Capper told the Nine Network. “If Ron can do it, and an Elvis impersonator, why can’t I? A lot of people like me and respect me for what I did with the Swans, and a lot of kids like me.” Newsflash, Capper – kids can’t vote. Still, we’re pleased to discover Warwick Capper seems unafraid to begin grappling with the big issues. Among the 44-year-old’s election policies are the legalisation of prostitution and the introduction of a curfew on the coast’s licensed venues. “I want to legalise prostitution, I think that would be a good thing,” Capper said. “I also want to clean the Gold Coast up. I think the clubs should be shut after 1am, it’s too late. There’s too many drugs and alcohol, we’ve got to clean up the streets for starters.” We think he’s talking to you, Nick Bracks. “I think they should clean up Schoolies week, it’s bad for the Gold Coast,” Capper said. “It’s good for revenue, getting kids here, but they need more things to do, like games to get off the alcohol and drugs. Get them into a bit of sport.” Oh, Warwick. The Kids (TM) do not wish to finish their final exams and cruise on up to the Gold Coast only to unexpectedly find themselves partaking in a P.E class with a washed up footy player who will then offer to shout them a visit to a legal brothel! They head up to the Gold Coast in order to drunkenly stumble along Cavill Avenue, use fake ID to get into Melbas, and then spend hundreds of their parent’s dollars buying drinks for permatanned private school girls in a doomed effort to find someone to lose their virginity to, before walking back home alone to the VB can filled apartment they’re sharing with another eight members of their footy team, throwing up, and passing out on the bathroom floor with their pants down… like God intended. Of course, Warwick’s campaign is off to a shaky start. Capper has his own domain name for his website, although his first name is spelt incorrectly. The address is warrickcapper.com. Would you trust a man who can’t spell his own name? “YES.” Alright, would you trust a man who can’t spell his own name more than Dean Vegas the Elvis impersonator? “RETURN MY BLENDER!” – LOL! Exactly. More »

Our Eyes! The Goggles Do Nothing!

3:28PM Jess McGuire | It’s taken us a while to muster up the strength to write about Warwick Capper’s latest career move. The nation’s most cherished bogan mullet owner has decided to become a Gold Coast meter maid man. Capper, who has also worked as a “stop-go” man on a road repair gang, will wear gold lycra hot pants and a gold sash over his jersey when he takes to the streets of Surfers Paradise three days a week to top up expired parking meters for grateful tourists. “It’s awesome,” said meter maid Ashleigh Carr said to Ten News. “You get more attention than usual. I think the girls like to have a bit of a perv as well.” That last bit may in fact speak volumes about the intelligence of the average Gold Coast meter maid. The former Brisbane Bear and Sydney Swan said he was not worried about the reaction of former teammates. “I think it’s a bit of fun,” Capper said. “I think I’m looking OK for an old boy.” While the above speaks volumes about the intelligence of Warwick Capper. Ten News also reported Capper was working as a “stripper to the stars” at night and was seriously considering a career in politics. “I might go for mayor,” he said. Why stop at mayor, Warwick? We’re on the verge of a federal election, you know! INTERESTING MEDICAL FACT! Pouring Dettol directly onto ones retinas does nothing to stop the image of Warwick Capper’s cock sleepily nestling in gold hotpants appearing whenever you close your eyes! Send help immediately! More »