brendan nelson

Attention Australian Liberal Party Members: Malcolm Turnbull Is Your God Now

9:51AM Jess McGuire | Poor Brendan Nelson. From the second he took over from John Howard after the resounding election defeat last year, everyone was thinking “Dude is a Band-Aid that’s gonna get ripped off and thrown away once the wound isn’t quite so icky to look at anymore” and he was like “No, for real! I am leader! And quite popular! Look and marvel as my colleagues appreciate me and support me!” and Malcolm Turnbull was all “Hey bitch, call me when you’re done cleaning my office and I’ll move my stuff in” and… well, I’ve run out of idiotic things to say on this topic, and wahey! Did you see that the Libs decided to go with Turnbull after their Top Secret Ballot this morning? Malcolm Turnbull is the new leader of the Liberal Party after beating Brendan Nelson in a ballot in Canberra this morning.. More »

Brendan Nelson Versus Malcolm Turnbull In A Cockfight To The Death!

8:40AM Jess McGuire | There’s just twenty minutes until members of the Liberal Party go into a secret room, wallpapered with images of great conservative leaders of the past like Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan, and vote for school captain. Or who they want to be the leader of the Liberal Party. “I’m not going to win, am I?” You’re not in the race, Peter. Shut up. Brendan Nelson and Malcolm Turnbull are about to face off in a Liberal leadership vote after Dr Nelson’s attempted ambush of his rival. Dr Nelson pounced on his jetlagged leadership rival last night, hoping to catch Mr Turnbull off guard by bringing leadership speculation to a head this morning rather than waiting for the shadow treasurer to strike against him. Vaguely interesting! Can’t wait to see how this turns out. And then laugh heartily. MORE: Malcolm Turnbull, Brendan Nelson to face off in leadership ballot (news.com.au) More »

It’s Not A Great Day To Be Brendan Nelson

10:47AM Jess McGuire | Oh, Brendan Nelson. If you hadn’t made us want to slap you stupid on February 13th, we might be feeling somewhat sorry (although we’d certainly make a big and lengthy deal as to why you deserve this poll-lashing and why we aren’t actually sorry at all) for you today, what with news that you are like, the least popular person ever! Brendan Nelson and the Coalition have slumped to all-time lows in voter support, with just 7 per cent of Australians believing the Opposition Leader would make a better prime minister than Kevin Rudd. As the Rudd Government juggernaut continues to push Labor to new highs in Newspoll surveys, the latest figures reveal fewer than a third of voters would put the Coalition first on a ballot paper. And satisfaction with Dr Nelson has collapsed, going negative for the first time since he assumed the role of Opposition Leader after the November 24 election defeat. Going into negative? Dude, that’s harsh. Somewhere in this fine land of ours, there’s a very smug looking person whose name may or may not rhyme with Crostello giggling like a school girl. There’s only one thing you can do now, Dr Nelson… A nicely performed paso doble might be just what the public need to see right now. We look forward to seeing you and Julie Bishop in sparkly ballroom dancing gear, pronto. More »

People Of Melbourne Not Sorry To Turn Their Back On Brendan Nelson

2:09PM Clem Bastow | Defamer Australia was fortunate to attend the massed gathering at Melbourne’s Federation Square this morning, where around 8000 people watched Prime Minister Kevin Rudd deliver a moving, intelligent, compassionate and, yes, long overdue apology to the members of the Stolen Generation and for the damage and hurt that it caused Australia’s Indigenous people. Unfortunately for just about everyone there, we also watched opposition leader Brendan Nelson deliver his “apology”, which was about as sincere as Jonah saying “Sorry, ranga!” and went a little something like this (and we’re paraphrasing, so no quoting us in your school projects): “My mum said I had to apologise to you, but you lot should take a long, hard look at yourselves and get your hand off the bottle and the petrol can, after all, our grandfathers died in the war for you, or something, and no one wants to be born in a remote Indigenous community, anyway, so we did the right thing – it’s not our fault you’re having a cry about it now.” As one increasingly incensed young professional type next to us shouted, “You’re demeaning the whole f–king country with your words.” And while we were moved to tears by Kevin’s speech and by the faces of the members of the Stolen Generation who attended Parliament as distinguished guests, we were equally moved – in a slightly different way – when Melbourne decided en masse to tell Brendan what we thought of his speech. This was the view from where we were standing: Yes, Melbourne turned their backs on Nelson (not before one memorable skater dude in front of us stood for a good two minutes with double flipped birds aimed at the screen), a fact that was duly noted by the ABC’s Tony Jones the moment he returned to the telecast following the adjournment. The Age has footage of the moment here, and we were proud of both parts of Melbourne’s reaction to this wonderful day – proud to be a part of saying “sorry”, and proud to tell Brendan Nelson he is, in fact, a dickhead. More »

Brendan Nelson Is The Devil!

10:43AM Jess McGuire | In September last year, a charming reader named Casey sent us an email informing us of a new telly show in the States featuring a man who looked uncannily like Brendan Nelson – a man portraying THE DEVIL. At the time, we were a little distracted and forgot to write about it, but now that Brendan Nelson is the leader of the Liberals, and the show Reaper is scheduled to appear on Channel 7 this year, we figured it might be worth doing a comparision. Does Brendan Nelson actually look like the Devil (or at least Reaper’s representation of the Devil)? The answer is a definite yes. More »