boozin’ it
Brooke Hanson: Dances, Swims Like Fish, Also Drinks Like One
10:00AM Clem Bastow | In the ten thousand or so seasons of Australia’s Dancing With The Stars, one thing you’ll notice is that the celebrity contestants are always at pains to convey just how much the contest means to them, and that they don’t just see it as a publicity stunt or profile-raising exercise, and that they really, truly care about getting their bogo pogo just so. Well, it seems no one cares more than recently ousted Brooke Hanson, who was apparently so distraught following being booted from the Popular Light Entertainment Program that she and her dancing partner John Paul Collins hit the tiles – and the bar – and drank away their sorrows to the extent that Hanson missed her next day’s publicity rounds.
“We promised each other that when we got kicked off we’d have a big night, but she knew she had to do media when I dropped her off in the cab,” Collins said.
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We Can Probably Assume Lily Allen Is Regretting “Elton-Gate”
1:43PM Clem Bastow | After downing the champers at a rate David Boon would be proud of when she attended the GQ Man of the Year Awards last week, then shooting off her mouth at co-host Elton John only to be shot down in flames regarding her stomach, shall we say, for toot, as they say – and then realising it was all caught on tape – Lily Allen’s probably been feeling more than a little sorry for herself these past couple of days. Well, you’d assume that, but thanks to the wonders of online social networking, we can confirm that as well!
Allen’s Facebook entry read: “Lily is dying inside”, which replaced an earlier statement, when she wrote on her page: “Lily has had enough feels like killing herself”.
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Lily Allen Versus Elton John: The Footage
4:39PM Jess McGuire | As mentioned earlier today, Elton John and Lily Allen enjoyed some sparkling banter whilst hosting the the GQ Awards. To summarise events, Lily drank an impressive amount of champagne and swore a lot, Elton made a joke about her boozing, Lily retorted “Hey old dude, shut up, I am young and have what is left of my career ahead of me!” (not an exact quote, of course), and Elton reminded her of the impressive cocaine snorting abilities he once had back in the day.
And now? Their banter in YouTube form, after the jump!
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If You Insist She’ll Have A White Wine Spritzer. Or Eighty.
11:34AM Clem Bastow | It’s been a while since Lily Allen has come up with the goods, so to speak, in the hilarious celebrity bad behaviour stakes, so this latest update pleases me immensely (after all, she’s like Amy Winehouse but without the crushing sense of the imminent death of humanity and a bunch of cute fluffy kittens and babies): in short, Lily got shickered at the GQ Men of the Year Awards and pissed off nearly everyone in the room/entertainment industry. Even better, it was a cavalcade of bad manners as everyone’s iffy behaviour inspired everyone else, and in the end Elton John and Mani from Primal Scream had joined the party (the latter exclaiming, on the topic of Elle MacPherson, “F-cking hell, a giraffe in a dress”).
When Allen told the star-studded Royal Opera House audience “now we reach a very special point in the evening”, Sir Elton sniped: “What, you are going to have another drink?”
More » Is That A Giant Comedy Penis In Your Pocket, Brendan Fevola, Or Are You Just Happy To See Us?
12:50PM Clem Bastow | It’s that time of the year, AFL Finals time, where footy players who’ve not made the finals – and even some who have! – start to let their hair down after a year of hard work, training and toeing the line. Just ask Brendan Fevola from Carlton, who has evidently been spending the past nine months or so yearning for for the end of the season, when he can put on his best pink nightie and a cute little hat, and wave a giant dildo from his pants like anyone’s business. Simple dreams, really, but that’s just what Fev did last night on a ‘Mad Monday’ bender with his friends and teammates. Carn the Blues!
One female patron, who did not wish to be named, said Fevola’s costume — a pink nightie with a matching pink hat and a sex toy penis — was in bad taste.
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No, Sherioushly, Anna Coren Lovesh You…
9:32AM Clem Bastow | Somehow we missed this amazing little item yesterday: Anna Coren and the rest of the Today Tonight crew took a break from telling us about the fat immigrant landlords who are ripping off our sick kids’ bank managers (or words to that effect; rinse, repeat) to get blotto and have a little “turn” on the dancefloor. And wouldn’t you love to have been this particular little Confidential “spy”:
Coren, dressed in a “very, very short” minidress, was flirtatious and fiery after knocking back several rounds of shots bought for the group, according to one barfly who witnessed the event.
“At one stage Anna came back from the bar with more than 15 shots and as soon as they were polished off another 15 were ordered,” the spy told Confidential.
“Anna even gave me a wink and said hi when I saw her at the bar. They were totally cutting loose.
“They were still partying when I left in the early hours of Saturday morning.”
Ooh, a wink and a “hi”? And did she then ask for 40c so she could call her parents and tell them she’d met “the one”? Or ask the bar staff if they had a Band-Aid so she could stick it over her heart that was breaking because she’d just seen the most beautiful man in the world? Or say “Get your coat, you’ve pulled”?? More » Lily Allen Is Doing Greeaassshht
12:29PM Clem Bastow | Since I’ve not had time to code that “Lily Allen has had a tough year so far” generator I’m sure I’ve mentioned many times before, I’ll have to type it again: Lily Allen has had a tough year so far, and seems to be dealing with it in a manner more suited to pre-”marriage has changed me” Robert Downey Jr. than the sunny young thing she used to be.
In Cannes – for, um, the Film Festival, I guess? – it appears Lily is having a right royal time, getting her cans out, partying on, and generally drinking too much and passing out. And the whispers on the street suggest that Lily’s party time may be up.
Go team awesome!!
It culminated on Thursday in her apparently performing an alcoholic faint in a taxi on the way back to her hotel; her father – in town to promote his new film about Princess Diana and Dodi – held her by the scruff of the neck as if she were a sleeping puppy.
A few hours previously, after enjoying vodka and lychee cocktails at a screening of the movie How To Lose Friends And Alienate People, she was to be found face down on her table next to a rather splendid floral arrangement.
It’s one thing to enjoy a party but on this occasion the singer, hailed as one of the brightest young talents of recent years, seemed intent on becoming completely obliterated by alcohol – and it was an alarming sight.
You know, normally I scoff at the Mail’s hysterical coverage of celebrities’ downfalls (all the better to sell papers with, after all), but in this instance I’m inclined to side with them.
The photo of Lily passed out at the table – with a still smoking fag between her fingers – should be ringing all sorts of alarm bells, but instead it seems dad Keith thinks it’s all a right laff! Good on ya, dad!
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Game On, Moles: Australia’s Next Top Party Animal
9:13AM Clem Bastow | Even though I was rooting for Alice all the way in Australia’s Next Top Model Cycle 3, you couldn’t beat second-runner-up Jordan Loukas in the hilarity stakes. And, following that abortive Runway To LA farce, and the usual “too fat to model” fuss (too short is more likely the story, darls), I’m pleased to see Loukas is focusing on acting and presenting, since she was always too sparky to sit still and Vogue.
And I’m also pleased to read about her partying skills, which seem to be second to none!
A self-confessed “rock tragic” Loukas may have been a little overwhelmed to have been rubbing shoulders with industry veterans including You Am I’s Tim Rogers, Grinspoon’s Phil Jamieson and Silverchair’s Chris Joannou – who had assembled to support music producer turned brewer Matt Lovell launch his lager label.
Loukas clearly thought it was a solid drop, as by 10.30pm she was “absolutely trashed”, according to a party source, and jumping up and down on a couch before face-planting into the floor.
“She was clearly hammered – and even when she fell she didn’t seem to feel it,” the amused source told Confidential.
The model-turned-actress was suffering from a case of short-term memory loss when Confidential put the boozy balls-up to her yesterday, cheekily quipping: “I don’t remember that, but I can ring my friend and ask.”
Ha, “I can ring my friend and ask”, gold, gold for Australia! I’d love to see Jordan become the next Ding Dong or something – surely with all their bonings Channel Nine has an opening for the plucky Marickville babe? More » 
The Kerry Katona Guide To Pregnancy And Parenthood
8:44AM Clem Bastow | Former Celebrity Mum of The Year Kerry Katona™ continues to kick parenting goals that we’re guessing her PR peeps would probably prefer we didn’t hear about, except – oops! – Kerry invited MTV cameras into her life and home for her fly-on-the-wall series, Crazy In Love.
So, based on continued updates courtesy of the Daily Mail and Crazy In Love, we thought we’d tally up some tips and hints on parenting and pregnancy based on what Kerry – again, Former Celebrity Mum of The Year – has to tell us. Read on!
More » Harry Potter Feeling A Right Tit, Likes A Beer Or Forty
1:48PM Clem Bastow | Looks as though Daniel Radcliffe is starting to put the ‘RAD’ into his name after years of looking slightly nervous and a little intense, with news he’s been living large in London this holiday season, copping birds and putting away lagers, thanks to his ever growing stash of Harry Potter cash.
Multi-millionaire Dan put his hand in his cloak and coughed up the best part of £500 for all his pals’ drinks.
A fellow clubber told me: “He paid for all the champagne and beers and told the club to supply his mates with anything they wanted. He was on top form and getting stuck in.
“He spent most of the night on the dance floor with two slim, well-spoken girls who were clearly impressed by his fame.
All well and good (especially since “impressed by his fame” sounds like the sort of metaphor the Picture story editors would come up with in their saucy stories pages), but there’s something about the photo mock-up The Sun made to accompany the piece that has had us giggling all day:
Lord – a new year, and already we’re no less easily amused than we were last year. It’s going to be a long one… More » 