biological offspringwatch

Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt’s Chosen Two Finally Arrive! Allegedly! Unconfirmed! Etc!

4:38PM Jess McGuire | We break our traditional weekend silence here at Defamer Australia to bring you thrilling news – The Chosen Two have apparently arrived safely on this earth, oh happy day! Well, nothing has been confirmed by Brad or Angelina’s reps, but the French papers are quoting her doctor Michel Sussman, and until the birth announcement has been outed as a hoax, it’s good enough for us. Hollywood star Angelina Jolie has given birth to healthy twins, a girl and a boy, in the French Riviera maternity clinic she has checked into, the Nice-Matin newspaper reported today. The twins, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, were born shortly before 8pm yesterday (4am AEST Sunday), the paper reported, quoting her doctor Michel Sussmann. Jolie is fine after having a Caesarian section, the paper added. Knox Leon was reported to weigh 2.27kg and Vivienne Marcheline 2.28kg. They really like boys names featuring the letter ‘X’ don’t they? At least the birth of Knox and his sister Vivienne ought to take the tabloid heat off poor little Sunday Rose for a while. So in short, congratulations to Brad and Angelina on the birth of their long-awaited bubs. We’re sure our American counterparts will be following this story closely over the next week, and fingers crossed this entire momentous event has actually happened. Unlike back in early July. Or back the birth of Isla and Amelie. More »

Still Pregnant Angelina Jolie Demands Salmon, Refuses To Shower; Twins Understandably Stay Put

4:25AM Defamer Hollywood | It seems that Nice’s favourite “very, very nice” patient and her well-appointed womb has taken a turn toward Grumpyville. Nearing the end of her seemingly endless gestation period, Angelina Jolie has grown tired of her hospital/hotel and its Michelin Star-less menu and has started demanding that salmon be brought in from other Clooney-approved restaurants. And, more ominously, reports have surfaced that Jolie has abandoned her strict one-shower-a-day regimen. A collective gasp… More »

French Hospital Forced To Cover Its Windows For ‘Zat High-Maintenance Beetch’ Angelina Jolie

6:50AM Seth | As we round the corner onto the 17th month of weist-loss guru Angelina Jolie’s seemingly interminable pregnancy (we’re picturing the twins refusing to come out until the winner of their marathon, inter-uterus Boggle tournament is finally determined), the AP brings us this photo taken outside the Lenval Hospital in Nice, where Jolie is currently checked in under the assumed name of “J. Aniston.” In it, a hospital worker can be clearly seen applying some kind of top-secret, high-tech material, developed by scientists at France’s struggling space program, that effectively prevents any photographers from capturing any member of the Jolie-Pitt clan on film. (Amazingly, anyone else who happens to be in the room develops just fine, resulting in eerie shots of a staff of nurses and doctors fussing over empty space.) More »

Chosen Blobs Won’t Crown For ‘Weeks,’ Says France’s Sexiest Celebrity Obstetrician

2:02AM Seth | Twice now, we’ve dangled before you the magnificent prospect of Angelina Jolie delivering two more blob-angels to her growing lineage. Both stories turned out to be wrong—the last of which left us so disappointed, we found ourselves tormented by anxiety nightmares on the topic. (One particularly harrowing scenario involved the Wanted star in stirrups as she shot out two genetically flawless newborns, who somehow managed to curve around a suspended pig carcass and land gently in adjoining cribs on the far side of the room.) In any case, it appears we are inching towards some perfect-baby-making resolution here: