big day out 2008
News.com.au Presents A Handy Guide To Spotting Music Festival Dickheads
1:08PM Clem Bastow | You know when you go to the Big Day Out (or equivalent), inevitably you’ll find yourself a) accosted by tools wearing matching “hilarious” t-shirts, b) laugh at goths whose makeup is melting in the summer heat or c) lose count of the number of “totally hot” chicks wearing bathers as outerwear? And have you ever thought “Gee, wouldn’t it be great to catalogue these poor souls in some sort of anthropological bible”?
Those thoughtful people over at News.com.au have – somewhat unwittingly – compiled a shortlist of 50 of the biggest festival tools of the ‘07/’08 season, starting with these ladies:
And featuring the witty caption:
Radiant … these ladies describe themselves as The Wiggles on Speed.”
If that’s enough to whet your appetite then while away a lazy ten minutes or so of your lunch break by weeping for the future of our once fine nation.
Fifty compelling arguments for selective breeding can be found here. More » 
Daniel Johns = Not Gay (Or Possibly Was Gay Before Being Lured Back To Heterosexuality By Breakfast Radio Host)
3:32PM Jess McGuire | Daniel Johns decided to use Melbourne’s Big Day Out on Monday to put those “He’s doing it Greco-Roman style with Paul Mac!” rumours to rest with a rather succinct public announcement.
For the past few years, there’s been speculation about Daniel Johns’ sexuality. But the Silverchair frontman wants everyone to know – he’s not gay.
At Monday’s Big Day Out in Melbourne, Johns told the crowd in no uncertain terms that he’s a red-blooded heterosexual male.
“I’m not f—— gay,” he said between songs.
To show he doesn’t care what anyone thinks, Johns wore a lacy garter on stage.
You show ‘em, oh peroxided one.
We heard a rumour that Daniel’s firm declaration he loved nothing more than hunting vagina in his spare time was possibly prompted by an encounter by JJJ breakfast radio host Marieke Hardy on Saturday.
Being ruthless journalistic types (cough), we spent the entire day trying to track Hardy down in order to interrogate her about her relationship with Daniel Johns. She was a hard nut to crack, but eventually we Guantanamoed the truth out of her – here’s the official “word for word” statement we managed to “extract” from the pint sized lass.
“He kissed me hello and goodbye on the cheek – definitely a reason to proclaim rampant heterosexuality before an adoring crowd of thousands.”
WHORE! First Hamish Blake and now Daniel Johns? Leave some for the rest of us, you quick-witted harlot! We say that with love, of course. More » Big Day Out Melbourne – A Report (Abridged)
10:03AM Jess McGuire | - Too many people looked like Corey.
- Television commercials about being sunsafe clearly not registering with ‘the youth’
- Boob tubes featuring the Australian flag are in fashion. Who knew? Who is responsible for this?
- Dappled Cities sounded nice.
- Dom from Little Red reported that their set went well. We missed it. We are collaborating on a Michael Bolton cover soon though.
- We are also apparently starting a rap duo with Macromantics. People will agree to anything when they’ve had a bit to drink.
- Silverchair’s ‘Freak’ is still a ridiculous song with ridiculous lyrics.
- Megan Gale’s wrist is allegedly the same size as our Associate Editor’s, according to the wrist band lady.
- Spotted in the VIP tent: Luke Steele from the Sleepy Jackson, Katy Steele from Little Birdy with very blonde hair, Chris Cheney from The Living End, Johnny from Children Collide in a fetching dolphin tshirt, a bartender from The Empress in Fitzroy, various local misfits who blagged their way in, a lady who looked like Olivia Newton John but wasn’t, other people we can’t remember. It’s all glamour back there, you know.
- [REDACTED]’s wife: “I’m not even allowed to watch him play from side of stage!” –> WHAT USE IS IT FULFILLING YOUR CONJUGAL DUTIES IF YOU CAN’T EVEN WATCH YOUR SPOUSE FROM THE COMFORT OF THE WINGS?
- Within ten minutes we lost our mobile in the VIP tent. We’re not naming names, but let’s just say we had our phone before Bjork went by on the back of a golf buggy like a Big Brother contestant on their way to face the music at the eviction show, and we didn’t have it after.
- Bjork Our phone’s new owner is sending very naughty messages to our friends. Tut tut.
- Folks chose to ‘rage’ during Rage Against The Machine, judging by the five security guards we saw standing on top of some drunken man.
- The crowd jumping up and down in time to Rage Against The Machine’s ‘Bulls On Parade’ actually resulted in the earth moving, Carole King/Martika style.
- We are too old for festivals and much prefer listening to the CDs at home with a nice cup of tea.
That is all.
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