We love nothing more than a fairy tale ending, and we got one on last night's Big Brother, when—amidst the tragedy of contestant April's ejection from their 24-hour surveillance Eden— surviving housemate and oral-sex-partner Ollie proposed..um...popping his relationship cherry? Prodded by host Julie Chen, who had already been given a fat dossier on the pair's budding romance which included a number of X-ray stills from their quilt-covered shenanigans, Ollie extolled the many virtues of the Arizona auto-financing manager, then announced, "I got a question for you: Will you be my first girlfriend? I want an answer from you the second I get out of this house." CBS would be fools not to capitalise on the event, mounting a lavish Ollie and April's Going Steady Ceremony primetime special upon which no expense would be spared.

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· And now for some non-earthquake-related Big Brother rumbles: In one corner, we have 75-year-old contestant (and the oldest person on CBS since Murder, She Wrote), Jerry. In the other, we have professional "mixologist" Memphis, precisely one-third Jerry's age. We won't tell you how it plays out, except to say so long as you're glimpsing three-quarters-of-a-century-old armpit, Jerry's winning. [Big Brother]
· A fourth Austin Powers is reportedly being written by Mike Myers. It's a "very personal [take] with a father and son theme loosely based on his own life," meaning it's sure to feature a scene in which the old Mini Me is tossed around in the backyard. [Deadline Hollywood]
· In honour of Discovery Channel's Shark Week, a chat with a Great White. [edithzimmerman.com]
· Hitting every stop on the Interactive Ben Kingsley Accent Map would wear out even the sturdiest Amazing Race contestants. [bestweekever.tv]
· Hey—bear running around a track in high heels! [Jezebel]

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Following a 5.4 earthquake that dealt most of its damage to people's Facebook status updates ("Jim is: EARTHQUAKE!"), it was only natural to wonder how the tremor might have affected the city's old, its infirm, and its Big Brother 10 residents. Fortunately, the Hollywood Reporter can help us out on at least one of those fronts: its video update reveals that the Big Brother houseguests bypassed the "Is that a truck? Oh, wait..." stage experienced by most Los Angelenos, instead rushing out into the backyard to doff their clothes and trade "Omigawds." Video after the jump.

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· When did they let this moaning, twitching, four-legged freak-creature (two white legs, two black with socks on) into the Big Brother 10 house? Look away! It's positively monstrous! [Arguably NSFW.] [B-Side Blog]
· Ben Silverman told TCA today that the Amy Poehler is actually starring in a completely separate project from that Office spinoff. In other Poehler news, Lorne Michaels said that her departure from SNL will be a "big loss." (Rifling around frantically for our Kristen Wiig doll...There you are. Hugggies.) [THR, LAT]
· Patrick Swayze looking surprisingly hunky for someone with inoperable pancreatic cancer. Go get 'em, Bodhi! [Daily Mail]
· The poster for Alan Ball's True Blood makes us quiver with antici. (Count to three.) Pation. [Slashfilm via AICN]
· Remember that time you were thinking to yourself, "If only I had a visual dictionary of a wide variety of baby animals." Well, today is your lucky day. Even Four-Legged BJ Monsters are cute when they're babies! [Baby Animal Alphabet]

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This may well be the definitive Channel Nine-related news item of all time, in the context of Channel Nine having the annus horribilis to end all annuses horribilis: the network is considering picking up the dead-in-the-water Big Brother franchise!

Yes, in the television business equivalent of eating roadkill or taking a corpse to your school formal hoping to get lucky, Nine is eyeing the cancelled reality show as a possible revamp candidate for Nine's 2009 line-up.

"It's run its race in its present form," Nine chief executive David Gyngell said yesterday, The Australian reports.

"I still think it has some life in it in another form. Channel Nine will be looking at it."

The eight-year-old reality show ends on the Ten Network on Monday night.

Nine will hold talks with owners Endemol Southern Star about an overhaul.

"Big Brother was a very good show at its height and it is useful for the economic benefit it brings," Mr Gyngell said.

He is the only network chief interested in picking up the format. The Seven Network and Foxtel declined.

Actually, I think I've just hit the nail on the head - that makes it perfect for Channel Nine! Carry on, then.

I can't stop looking at YouTube videos of the way it was.

Oh Gretel, you minx.

This one is quite good too, as Gretel spends a long time talking about Saxon's sex drive - something that, with the benefit of 2008 hindsight, we know she'll soon enough learn about in her private time.

In the wake of the upsetting (for some) news that Big Brother has been cancelled by Channel Ten and will not be appearing on our screens next year, I suggest we take a moment to remember a more innocent time for the show...

... Yes, remember back in the crazy days of series one? When housemates could see the cameras following them but didn't know if the show was even still on air, and genuinely had no clue as to what awaited them in the outside world? There were no expectations of Zoo Weekly covers or Neighbours appearances post-eviction. Gretel Killeen loved her job, and saucily enjoyed introducing us to the concept of Big Brother Uncut on Thursday nights and didn't appear to be dying inside every time she appeared on the telly. Some housemates were lovely, some housemates were total knobs - but they were all very human, and very naive.

No matter what happens with the series from this point on, we'll never get back such an innocent time in reality television.

(cries buckets)

Heh. Just kidding. But god, the memories are flooding back, and there'll never be a series like that first one. It was the shizzzzzzz...

This one goes out to you, Big Brother.

Behind Big Brother announced it, the news outlets are running with the story, and we just received an insider email from a Big Brother connection confirming it as true - Big Brother has been cancelled by Channel Ten.

Were radio duo turned television hosts Kyle Sandilands and Jackie O the kiss of death for the Big Brother franchise, or was the loss of Gretel Killeen more to blame? Did the downhill slide kick off after the debacle that was Turkeyslapgate? Or was it over and out for the Gold Coast based reality extravaganza when Lefty Tim was robbed by the Logans during the 2005 finale (no, I'm still not over it)?

Who knows. All we can be sure of is that the last few years of the program have felt like producers were going through the motions, and audiences were slowly but surely finding better things to do than stay in and watch sun-loving bogans party pashing in the spa and talking rather ignorantly about world affairs.

The show's ratings have been poor since radio jocks Kyle and Jackie O replaced previous host Gretel Killeen as the faces of this year's series.

Big Brother was even beaten in the ratings by Federal Treasurer Wayne Swan's Budget speech in May.

Ratings bounced back to more than 1.4 million this week with the appearance on Wednesday of former Playboy Bunny Pamela Anderson.

Look, Pamela's appearance on the show absolutely worked for me - she was great, charming, and funny - but it wasn't ever going to be enough to redeem the show in the eyes of the viewing public.

Rumours that the show will return in 2010 may thrill some fans (and chill the blood of Big Brother haters...) but whether a year's break will be enough to reinvigorate the program remains to be seen. That said, a hiatus was something I suggested earlier this month - relax, kittens, I'm not egotistical enough to think my daft memo to Big Brother producers was influential in any way - so fingers crossed my other suggestion (Charlotte Dawson as host! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!) is taken on board as well.

I suppose the big question is - how on earth are Channel Ten going to fill their schedule between April and July next year? M*A*S*H re-runs? They'd better not invest in local drama, or I may very well pass out in shock. I suggest buying up as many cheap reality shows featuring Jillian Michaels as you can get your paws on, dudes.

Vale, Big Brother. We knew you all too well.

Things that would have been better than making the housemates think there has been a spy amongst them from the beginning.

i) Actually putting a spy in there from the beginning.
ii) Putting an eel in the spa.
iii) Cutting off Rory's dreadlocks.

Also, after watching Australia's Next Top Model finale last night, I'm convinced you need to give the show a rest next year, and then come back in 2010 with one decent host, not two bumbling idiots whose career success continually provides the public with irrefutable proof there is no god. May I suggest...

MIKE GOLDMAN?

NO!

Charlotte Dawson. She has a sense of authority, the ability to talk to the viewer without her eye twitching, and she's just A THOUSAND TIMES BETTER THAN KYLE AND JACKIE O.

I know what you're thinking, folks - stop being such a mopey sad panda about this year's Big Brother! Quit yer whining, and find something good to offer up to your loyal readers!

Fine, fine. I am but your humble servant, and since my friend Lee began filling my inbox (not a metaphor) with clips from the latest UK series of Big Brother, I actually have some great stuff to show you.

Meet Kathreya, the most amazing housemate evs. She likes cookies.

I love her so. Why can't OUR version of Big Brother feature people like Kathreya?