beowulf
Craigslist User Wants His ‘Beowulf’ In 4D
8:15AM Defamer Hollywood | Surely the author of this posting can’t have been the only one to emerge from an Imax theatre screening Beowulf thinking of nothing other than the overtly sexualised title character, whose “third leg,” as the Danish serving wenches blushingly referred to it, was practically within 3D grasp were it not for a strategically placed mead stein in the foreground. To their credit, however, the anonymous poster took to Craigslist’s virtual medieval marketplace to make their warrior-blowing fantasies come alive: Looking for Beowulf – 21 I’m looking to blow Beowulf. More »
One Digitally Enhanced Ray Winstone No Box Office Match For 300 Sweat-Slicked Spartans
7:00AM Defamer Hollywood | As you impatiently listen to the clock tick off the seconds until the end of the workday, distract yourself from your daydreams with a look at the weekend’s box office numbers: 1. Beowulf – $US28.1 million That Beowulf’s opening weekend finished more than $US40 million behind the blockbuster debut of 300 confirms what we’d already suspected: that a single, CGI-sculpted Ray Winstone sixpack, even when supplemented by a gilded, digitally bazoomed Angelina Jolie, simply cannot compete with an entire battalion’s worth of glistening Spartan washboards. The next time director Robert Zemeckis decides to break out his motion-capture technology, he may want to find a few hundred more doughy English actors onto which he can impose abdominal perfection. More »
Personal Trainers Nervous About Beowulf’s Breathrough Belly-Eliminating Technology
9:30AM Defamer Hollywood | There will be no shortage of glistening, lifelike CGI flesh on display in Robert Zemeckis’s latest masterwork, opening today. The character of Grendel’s Mother, for example – naked, dipped in gold, and outfitted with a prehensile braid and fuck-me pumps – will give audiences a reasonable approximation of things only Brad Pitt was meant to see. Others, however, such as the protagonist himself (voiced and performed by Sexy Beast star Ray Winstone), use their human inspiration as mere jumping-off points, after which a cutting-edge series of gut-reducing, ab-defining filters are applied, resulting in a ripped, battle-ready hero worthy of the name Beowulf. BeowulfMovie.com More »
Short Ends: When The Strike Gets Violent
7:20AM Defamer Hollywood | Finally: A strike video with some production values. Hallelujah! Proving that even in the midst of the strike that the blowing-shit-up-show must go on, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle visionary McG has reportedly signed on for Terminator 4. Who knew that Barack Obama was moonlighting as a Falcons cornerback in his free time? Baiowulf: 45, single, and fully motion-captured. Having already weathered one Pirates of the Caribbean-related controversy over the unconventional disposal of cremains, Disney was well-prepared to deal with rumours of unauthorized ash-dumping ceremonies inside their amusement park. More »
