attention small children – there is no santa because he died of cataids
Your Mr Darcy Fantasies? Colin Firth Spits On Them!
3:45PM Clem Bastow | Colin Firth, who went from the thinking woman’s crumpet after his ridiculously Mills & Boon-esque Mr-Darcy-in-the-lake moment in Pride & Prejudice to, well, more or less the same thing in Bridget Jones’ Diary, would like to make it known, lonely single women of the world, that men of the variety that he has made a successful career playing are fictional.
Well, obviously the film characters are fictional, but Firth reckons there’s not even an archetype in real life to base them on.
“I’ve decided the quintessential Englishman I play doesn’t exist.
“I play him but you don’t run into him very often. There aren’t very many Mr. Darcys out there. I think he’s a figment of our folklore or film lore.
“My character exists in mythology and he may have existed once but now he only exists in the hands of actors.”
So there you have it!
Stop dreaming of meeting your very own Mr Darcy, ladies – you may as well commit over-28s-night-induced hara kiri right now, and save yourself the bother! More » 
Brit Academic Decrees Cracker Jokes Not A Crack-up
12:36PM Clem Bastow | In one of those hilarious “serious” articles commissioned to leaven the merriment of Christmas, the Sun today reports on a survey conducted by UK academics to decide upon the worst ever Christmas cracker jokes.
You know, the little rolled up pieces of coloured paper that usually fall out and end up in your roast dinner or egg-nog.
Why they thought they needed university muscle to do this, we don’t know, but the results are typically hilarious (for all the wrong reasons), with “What is Santa Claus’ favourite pizza? Deep pan, crisp and even” decided upon as the all-time stinker.
Andrew Linn, Professor of Linguistics at the University of Sheffield, deconstructed the top-placed gag.
“The essence of a fine joke is clever and original use of language, often exploiting some sort of ambiguity. This joke has been voted the worst Christmas cracker joke because it is almost too clever,” Prof Linn said.
“It uses ambiguity in how the words are put together (’deep pan’ ’deep and’) as well as contextual ambiguity (pizzas and a Christmas carol). In short, once you get it, it’s a real groaner.”
But hang on a minute, those academics missed another point – surely it should’ve been Good King Wenceslas’ favourite pizza?
Mummy, our heads hurt!
Read on for the top ten Christmas clangers – ho, ho, ho!
More » 
Christmas, The Sneaky Sound System Way
10:02AM Clem Bastow | While you are scrounging in your pockets, while buying Christmas presents and food, for your last $50, spare a thought for those poor bastards in Sneaky Sound System.
The struggling independent musos are having a rough time of it at this most special time of the year, playing gigs where they can and hoping they’ll be able to put some food on the table come December 25th. It’s…
Oh, you’ll just have to read on, we can’t take any more of this tragedy!
The Christmas bonus has come early for Sydney band Sneaky Sound System, who are understood to have stuffed their stockings with profits of up to $200,000 from the corporate functions circuit.
It’s a case of weddings, parties anything for the hot dance act, who have spent the last week reaping the big bucks for adding funky festive cheer to corporate Christmas bashes around the city.
More than 300 clients of financial services firm Goldman Sachs JBWere were treated to a 40 minute set by the ARIA award winning performers at a no-expenses spared bash held at Mrs Macquarie’s chair last Wednesday night.
The band’s manager Amber Zada pulled out the violins when the Confidential team tried to winkle any further corporate coin chasing out of her, saying “we’re an independent act – we don’t have a record company writing out cheques so we do what is necessary to keep funding the band’s future.”
Oh, cry us all a river! ARIA awards and a sack full of used $50 notes? Christmas is cancelled! More » 
Paddington Bear To Feel The Governmental Wrath Reserved For “Illegals”
10:20AM Clem Bastow | It must be that time of the year or something, you know, the time of the year when you read, gobsmacked, stories about how kindergarten nativity scenes are replaced by kids wearing sunnies and singing We Will Rock You, or about crooks making off with small businesses’ entire Christmas delivery of ham (and yes, we’ve actually read both).
Well, it’s time to put on your “What’s the world coming to?” hat again, because no one is safe from this modern hysteria: as if Border Security et al weren’t bad enough, now Paddington Bear is going to cop what’s coming to him when he’s mistaken for an illegal immigrant.
Yes, you read correctly. And what’s worse, this is how they chose to celebrate his 50th birthday!
In the book, to be published next June on the anniversary of his debut in A Bear Called Paddington, the stowaway from Peru will be interviewed about his right to remain in England.
The appeal of Michael Bond’s Paddington books, which have sold more than 30 million copies and been translated into 30 languages, remains undiminished.
But Bond, 83, was said to be reluctant at the prospect of writing his first book about the bear for 29 years — unless he had a strong contemporary storyline.
After being arrested, Paddington has no papers proving his identity, because his Aunt Lucy had arranged for him to hide on a ship’s lifeboat from Peru after she went to live in a home for retired bears in Lima.
Oh yes, it’s a merry jape when the good old boys from MI5 pull your fingernails off with pliers so that you cough up the name of the bastards who brought you into Britain without permission!
Three cheers for the Home Guard, hip, hip, hip!
Seriously, what’s next? Play School’s Jemima being done for heroin trafficking? Elmo and Big Bird being busted for running a paedophile ring? More » Jono Coleman Literally (And Literarily!) Ruins The Lives Of Thousands Of Children
12:07PM Jess McGuire | Jono Coleman, who was last a relevant and cutting edge media personality in this country in the late eighties, has spoiled the final Harry Potter book for viewers of Sunrise, a move which may potentially see him incur the wrath of the notoriously vicious and Slitherenesque tween market … and perhaps more frighteningly for him, a furious Kochie.
Presenter Jonathan Coleman has been temporarily dumped by Seven’s Sunrise program after “devastating” young viewers by revealing the ending of the final Harry Potter book.
In one of television’s meanest acts, the former comedian ruined the mystery for thousands of young children and adults who are yet to finish J.K Rowling’s final tome, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Coleman’s attempted joke caused the Sunrise email to “meltdown” with viewers also jamming the Seven network switchboard describing him as “pathetic”, “unprofessional”, “incompetent”, “selfish” and “a twit”.
As hosts Melissa Doyle and David Koch commented how “unbelievable” it was that a school teacher in the UK revealed the ending to her students, Coleman took the opportunity to do the same thing to more than half a million Sunrise viewers across Australia.
Stumbling to recover, he said: “I didn’t want to ruin it. I didn’t want the kids to be upset.”
“Anyway I’ll be going now,” he added. Clearly disgusted, Koch replied: “And you may not be coming back.” Coleman then tried to justify himself by yelling from backstage: “The kids would be in school by now.” The time was 7.45am (AEST)
His act of sheer Rowling-wrecking bastardry led to Seven releasing the following statement.
This morning’s comments by Jono on Harry Potter were unacceptable to Sunrise.
Jono sincerely regrets his actions and points out he hasn’t read the final book.
In any event, we feel we have no choice but to suspend Jono from the program.
Adam BolandExecutive Producer
There are two other great things of note from the Daily Telegraph article about the incident. The first is this -
Following his apology, viewers will tomorrow decide whether he stays or goes with an SMS poll deciding his fate.
God bless the canny Sunrise team, never the kind of folk to let an opportunity for an SMS poll pass them by.
Our second highlight was this nugget…
“People know me as a funny guy. I’m Jono Coleman the funny movie reviewer. I’m not Richard Wilkins doing a serious review.”
i. His repeated reference to himself as ‘funny’ sounds like the mantra of a man rocking back and forth in the corner with his hands over his ears dreaming of the halcyon days of his radio career in the UK. We have this vision of him, in an attempt to repress the memory of this morning’s hideous effort on Sunrise, mumbling in a Rainman fashion “I’m funny, I’m Jono Coleman the funny guy, this is Jono Coleman the funny guy and you’re listening to Heart 106.2, I’m Jono, Jono is funny, I’m a funny guy, I’m still a funny guy, that’s what I am, Jono Coleman funny guy, Jono funny, JONO FUNNY FUNNY JONO FUNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…”
ii. In what fucking world is Richard Wilkins the yardstick when it comes to Serious Journalism And The Critiquing Of Art? More » 