america’s got talent
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Sharon Osbourne Thinks Susan Boyle Resembles A Hairy Orifice
7:20PM Azaria Jagger | She said “God bless her” afterwards, so it’s OK that rockstar wifey Sharon Osbourne ridiculed Susan Boyle in a truly filthy way that will be forever seared in my memory, right? More »
Throw Out Your Hands! Stick Out Your Tush!
8:58AM Seth | Say what you want about this act from last night’s America’s Got Talent—we’re just thrilled to see the Gay Man’s Chorus of Los Angeles keeping themselves busy in the chorus off-season. [AGT] So those two “two sharp young writers” Dan Aykroyd mentioned are hard at work on Ghostbusters 3 are The Office co-EPs Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky. Pam + Slimer 4ever! [Variety] Sarah Palin attended five colleges in six years before graduating from the University of Idaho in 1987. Also, she burned down a library after she found out the Moosewood Cookbook was vegetarian commie propaganda. [AP, Boston Herald] Howie Mandel earned a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today, which came with a smaller matching star in an aluminium briefcase. Because he’s made his biggest impact on a popular game show featuring people screaming at briefcases, you see. Oh… never mind. [Getty Images] Attention all drug addicts currently loitering near or around Kirsten Dunst’s hotel room: your days of villainy are numbered! [Yahoo] And the same goes for you, female strippers in Australia accused of sexually penetrating the bachelor! [news.com.au] More »
The Hoff Openly Horny For Male Britney Impersonator
9:00AM Seth | On America’s Got Talent last night, David Hasselhoff was refreshingly candid about the stirrings in his loins elicited by Drag Britney. [AGT] Step! Two, Three, Ball, Step, Ball, Reverse, Change! Watch out stars—Lance means business! [Mollygood] In this new promotional shot from Land of the Lost, Will Ferrell stands next to the kind of Sleestak you might imagine posing for pictures at Disneyland. [First Showing] Mmmm…Hannah Montana Sweet & Sour Gummi Cocks. [BWE.tv] And last but not least, it’s Paul Reubens’s birthday today. In his honour, enjoy the entire Pee-wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special. Happy birthday, Pee-wee! Mm…Birthday cakey. [YouTube, YouTube, YouTube, YouTube] More »
America’s Got Not Enough Room In It For Two Drag Queen Talents Is What America Has
10:33AM Seth | Apparently, NBC has decided to continue going through the paces of finding America’s Top Talent-Haver, when clearly feline pretzel-girl Victoria already has this rodeo all sewn up. Still, there’s something to be said for adhering to reality show protocol—particularly when tucking royalty struts among us—and so we were more than happy to take in Drag Tina Turner’s electrifying semi-final audition, which unfolded with clockwork precision as her main competition, Drag Britney Spears, watched nervously from the wings. Of course, there was only room for one drag finalist; that, unfortunately, went to neither performer, but rather a Victoria impersonator—played by a 55-year-old, four-foot-tall Chinese-American letter carrier from Sioux Falls, SD—who proved as astonishingly flexible as his adorably whiskered inspiration. More »
‘America’s Got Talent’ Impersonator Fools Even World’s Foremost Ozzyologist, Sharon Osbourne
7:45AM Seth | Whether gathering the family ’round to marvel at the sheer Coors-can-devastating force of Busty Heart’s exercise-ball-sized melons, or simply gasping in amazement as octuple-jointed youngster Victoria braids her limbs into a human challah bread, you never quite know what form America’s talent will take on America’s Got Talent. On last night’s show, for example, we were treated to that Las Vegas showroom mainstay—the celebrity impersonator—effecting the guise of addled Godfather of Metal, Ozzy Osbourne. So chillingly spot-on was the performance that Ozzy’s own wife, Talent judge Sharon Osbourne, admitted not even she could tell the impostor from her own husband. She then insisted he drop his pants and proceeded to examine the contestant thoroughly; satisfied he bore none of Ozzy’s distinguishing cigarette burns or The Catheter Bag of Darkness, she was happy to move the doppelganger onto the next round of competition. More »
Introducing JonBenet Bendy
11:15AM Seth | If you didn’t happen to catch Victoria—one part Cats, one part JonBenét Ramsey, and one part boneless chicken breast—on America’s Got Talent, now’s your chance. Just give this girl the trophy (or whatever it is they give on that show) already! [AGT] The lifeless carcass of Bravo’s Project Runway was discovered inside a giant roll of chenille at the back of Mood Fabrics. [Gawker] Wow! Another original 90210 cast member was able to shuffle things around to accommodate an appearance on the new version. This must be one special spin-off. [Us] Pam Anderson pledges “no stripping” on her three-day stint as Australian Celebrity Big Brother’s “uber special VIP guest.” No matter how hard they ask. Unless they get her drunk. Or ask. [Sun] We’re happy to inform you that http://rim.jobs is totally safe for work. [http://rim.jobs] More »Busty Heart’s Got Six-Pack-Flattening, 48-Double-G Talent
8:10AM Seth | America’s Got Talent last night featured the truly unique talents of a one Miss Busty Heart—a beloved mainstay on the stripper circuit for decades now, according to her must-visit website—whose act consists of slamming the two bean-bag chairs hanging from her chest onto a variety of rigid objects, thusly inflicting unspeakable damage. In doing so, she managed to shock the studio audience—including Jerry Springer, who you’d figure would have seen an act like this by now. It was all fun and games until she insisted on outdoing herself with a grand finale the judges wouldn’t soon forget; unfortunately, she had never tested the “railroad spike through a cinder block” trick before, resulting in an instant gusher that coated the horrified studio audience in a fine misting of 22-year-old silicone filler. More »David Hasselhoff Seizes The Moment
7:45AM Defamer Hollywood | On a night dedicated to celebrating the very best in American talent, it was a man whose myriad.gifts are almost exclusively recognised overseas who truly stole the show. More »‘America’s Got Talent’ Crowns Its Million Dollar Puppetmaster
6:45AM Defamer Hollywood | We’ll admit to watching very little of this season of America’s Got Talent, NBC’s highly rated, thoroughly Z-list variety extravaganza presided over by judges the Hoff, Sharon Osbourne, and Segway Accident Guy – and, of course, host Jerry Springer, who seemed all along to be secretly holding out hope that plus-sized semi-finalist girl group The Glamazons would trample human beatbox virtuoso Butterscotch for mackin’ on their man. More »
