ali lohan
People
Frances Bean Cobain: She’s A Chip Off Both Old Blocks
5:31AM Brian Moylan | Of all of Courtney Love’s addictions, we’re glad that Frances Bean Cobain has taken up her “ranting on the internet” addiction. You have got to check out her Twitter smackdown of Ali Lohan. Daddy would be so proud. More »
Online
Lohan Mum’s Twitter Stupid — Or Crazy Smart?
5:00AM Owen Thomas | Either Lindsay Lohan’s entire crazy family is really on Twitter, or the world’s best comedy writers have taken to the medium. Here are Dina Lohan’s Twitter tales of bad tea, insidious censorship, and “HATERS.” More »
Ali Lohan ‘Makes It Delicious’ In Televised Tryout For Vaunted Porn Producer
10:55AM Molly Friedman | It’s always a hoot when you show up to an audition thinking you’re just trying out for another straight-to-DVD horror remake, only to find out afterwards that you just emoted all your talents in front of a titan of the porn industry. In yet another display of complete parental ignorance, Dina Lohan’s decision to send Lindsay-wannabe Ali on a journey to score a part in Troll in this weekend’s season finale of Living Lohan was kind of equivalent to sending your 14-year old daughter on a read-through of Bun Busters 13 or Breast Wishes 15. Yes, Ali’s eager efforts to make it big in showbiz has officially included a smiley “nerve-wracking” experience reciting classic lines like “Ratburgers!” in front of the multi-coloured hair piece-topped Peter Davy, responsible for discovering gangbang queen Houston, among many other hardcore accomplishments. The clip, including Ali’s stomach-tightening attempt to impress the porn industry professionals, after the jump. More »
Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: ‘Ali Is A Little Scared Because She’s Meeting Adults’
11:40AM Molly Friedman | We don’t know whether to cry tears of sadness or sweet relief, but last night brought us the heartbreaking season finale of Dina Lohan’s dream come true: the Lindsay-free joy ride through the one of the most frightening TV family’s household that was Living Lohan. And despite all Dina’s efforts to convince us we should be happy for little 14-year old Ali and her double whammy of career success stories featured in this episode, the last few months have taught us that a role in the Troll remake and a single that makes our ears bleed do not necessarily a superstar make. But, as we’ve learned throughout the season, no matter how small these sad triumphs, if it weren’t for Dina and her never-ending flow of parental lessons, Ali would still just be some normal teenager allowed to go to the mall with friends and shop, instead of Dina’s way of remaining the Mother Of The Century:
For First Time Ever, Lindsay Lohan Not Rushed To Hospital, Sam Ronson Not A Bitch
10:10AM Molly Friedman | Just when things seemed to be coming up roses for Lindsay Lohan, none other than (surprise!) Mother of the Century Dina has jumped on the chance to turn two otherwise non-items into full-out scandals reminiscent of Lohan’s cokepants days. First, reports surfaced that her cigarette- and hickey-delivery girl Sam Ronson refused to play vocally challenged Ali Lohan’s new single at a DJ’ing gig last week because she felt the song was “really bad.” Not exactly breaking news, right? Thanks to Dina and Living Lohan, we already know anything Ali squeaks out won’t turn her into the next Whitney Houston (or even the next Lindsay). Then, over the weekend, TMZ reported that Lohan and Ronson were victims of a hit-and-run bicyclist while taking an innocent walk home after a night out in New York, ending with Lohan in the hospital. And so what? It’s not like Lohan was the hitter-and-runner, and any hospital stay without the phrases “asthma attack” or “fainting spell” attached to it is fine by us. But courtesy of both Michael Lohan and Dina’s consistently yapping mouths, we will know have the pleasure of associating both stories with the phrase, “bull doodie”:
Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: ‘I Now Realise I’ve Been Punk’d By An 11-Year Old’
9:30AM Molly Friedman | At long last, Dina Lohan has figured out a way to put all those rumours about her fictional former career as a Rockette to rest. In a clever and trademark bout of not-so-subtle child manipulation, Dina arranges for the always-bored Cody to publicize her very own Vegas show starring Dina, her jazz hands, and a pair of leggings that look suspiciously like a knock-off of Lindsay’s blow job-ready version. With Ali’s career at its inevitable standstill, Dina decided to show her little ones how a real stage star gets the job done: con your child into playing PR boy for your otherwise blip on glitter-dusted Vegas’ star-studded radar, and feign shock and scorn for the cameras after Cody’s adorable promotional fliers are hung all over town. And still, amidst all the excitement of Dina’s return to solo stardom, we viewers learned yet another essential trifecta of lessons on how to belittle your son, blow off pony-tailed Carlos Leon-wannabes who just want a piece of your delicious arse and, of course, dance like it’s 1989: More »
Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: ‘Hef’s Girlfriends Are Very Pretty.’
10:40AM Molly Friedman | In the grainy land of reality show famewhoring, sometimes a pair of boobs will come together and a cable miracle is born. And that’s exactly what happened last night when we saw our maternal icon, Dina Lohan, meet our paternal icon, Hugh Hefner. On the latest edition of television’s most reliable guide to parenting, Dina taught us some highly unique strategies in order to effectively downsize your son’s balls, fake your way to the fountain of youth via Me-Time, and prove to your tweenage daughter just how insanely awesome and superior you are by making her choose between “Mr. Hot” and a career in music best left for those with actual talent. The newest lessons learned from Living Lohan, below: More »Lindsay Lohan And Samantha Ronson Officially Make Lesbianism Chic
6:15AM Molly Friedman | Our favourite moment from the first episode of Living Lohan was when a giggly Ali Lohan said “I wanna be like Lindsay” in a very rehearsed, gun-to-her-head sort of way. Whichever puppet master that yanked her strings successfully managed to pull the transformation off, but not in the way we’d hoped. Rather than passing out in SUVs and borrowing some of Lindsay’s many cokepants for a quick crash and burn, little Ali appears to be moving in on Lindsay’s girl. As the Lohan/Ronson romance spread their tattooed and hickey-scarred wings to New York yesterday, the gruesome twosome turned into an even more gruesome threesome, as Ali joined the honeymooners on shopping trips and lunch dates. But Ali may not gain entrance into the private club of two — you see, the psychic geniuses at the NY Post have already gone ahead and prepared for Lindsay’s official coming out. Their case for Lohan As Lesbian, plus sources’ details on the fact that “they’re definitely dating,” after the jump.E! Premieres Bad Mother Block with Denise Richards & Dina Lohan
4:50AM Defamer Hollywood | Are you related to someone famous who doesn’t really speak to you anymore? Do you have a dreadfully boring home life and children you constantly ignore? Have you collected an obscene number of pets, which constantly crap all over your house? Then you should call E! because that’s exactly what they’re into nowadays. On a day meant to honour the heroes who have protected our country, last night’s series premieres of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated and Living Lohan showed just how little there is left to protect. More »
