Have You Heard The Sandra Bullock Hitler Poop-stache Sex Tape Rumor, Yet?

Have you heard the dirtiest, nastiest, Naziest rumour about Sandra Bullock and Jesse James? It involves anal sex, the barrel of a shotgun, a Hitler poop-stache, and a video camera. It’s a Freudian nightmare come to life. It’s a myth.

And it’s a good, potent myth, right up there with Richard Gere’s gerbils and Lady Gaga’s penis. The ludicrous tale—which Bullock denies—goes something like this:

Jesse James has a sex tape of her engaged in more than simply sex. [...] Bullock was penetrated anally by a shotgun, wore a mustache made of human excrement, and had sex with Nazi paraphernalia scattered around the room.

Then Michelle Bombshell gets a cup and Eva Braun starts puking. “What’s the name of your act?” a man named Dirty Sanchez asks. “The Aristocrats!” they reply.

As a story, this is the perfect storm of visceral revulsion (poop! face!), exaggerated danger (gun! penetration!), offensive politics, and impolite humor. (Admit it: the Hitler poop-stache made you laugh) The promise of a sex tape offers an evidentiary bluff and a familiar medium for Hollywood scandal. It also plays on preexisting and believable rumors—about Jesse having sex with white supremacists, for example—and coincides with other rumours about sex tapes and “secrets.”

The poop-stache story also has somewhat believable source: Ian Halperin, the outrageous and prolific unauthorized biographer who “eerily predicted” Michael Jackson’s death—then staked his reputation on the myth that Brangelina were breaking up, and wrote an embarrassingly error-ridden book about the duo. Halperin’s record—like each of the rumours he starts—mixes the believable with tabloidism which defies belief. When it comes to facts, his results vary widely. When it comes to juiciness, he knocks it out of the park every time.

Which may be why Bullock finally broke her silence to respond to Halperin’s allegation: “There is no sex tape,” she told People. It’s an outrageous, tawdry, humiliating rumour. Some element of it hit close enough to home to get under Sandy’s skin. My guess is it’s the implication that Sandra is a Nazi, too—that’s the part she’s afraid we’ll believe, and the part I’m most curious to see her address. [h/t atlasfugged]