Alec Baldwin Is A Baby Whisperer

Like Obama, Baldwin is among the enchanted adults babies mysteriously love. He recently approached a screaming toddler who “immediately started smiling at him, handed him her baby bear, and he gave it a kiss”. Why do babies like these people?

There is nothing worse than being the person who makes infants burst into tears on sight. For the judgment of infants is pure, unadultered – if they hate you, there must be something wrong with you. Conversely, those magical beings capable of lulling the fussiest of infants into a lightly gurgling trance are somehow touched by grace. Based on anecdote and no level of science whatsoever, baby whisperers generally possess one or more of these characteristics:

• Soothing, dulcet voice. If male, should be a baritone. If female, a crystal-cut contralto will do.
• Pleasant, symmetrical face with clearly defined features. Exaggerated smiles and wide eyes help, as does a cartoon-like orientation of features.
• Clear skin. (Babies have fascist beauty standards.)
• Parent/caretaker with baby experience recent enough to make you good with babies, but far enough in the past that you are nostalgic, as opposed to sick of their helpless baby bullshit.
• A natural, pro-baby demeanour. Like dogs, they can smell fear, mistrust, and disgust. And they will punish you for it by morphing into a spinning siren of baby screams and a surging tidal wave of vomit.
• No weird/pungent smells.
• Strong hands. Babies’ lives depend on these, after all.

According to this analysis, I hypothesise that the following people will be baby catnip: Jennifer Garner, Wallace Shawn, Beyonce, Drew Brees, Angelina Jolie, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (possesses strangely kind eyes) and Rubin Studdard.