Jennifer Aniston’s Birthday Smoosh, Feat. Gerard Butler

It’s Jennifer Aniston’s birthday, and she’s taking the gang down to Meheeko to party with her maybe-mans. Sandra Bullock knows she’s not winning an Oscar. Tiger’s dick, Pete Wentz’s semen and more! Presenting your Gossip Roundup.

• Jennifer Aniston isn’t sweating Yo Gabba Gabbaspora or whatever we’re calling the imminent breakup of Brangelina, as she spent her 41st birthday “canoodling” or whatever we’re calling whenever she hangs out with Gerard Butler. They went down to Mexico with Courtney Cox, David Arquette and Sheryl Crow, who shares a birthday with Aniston and has more talent in her left hand than the other three have if you were to smoosh them all together and make something that were trying to go up in comparison to the talent of Sheryl Crow. Anyway: just because they were in Mexico doesn’t mean David Arquette tried to fuck a donkey. [NYDN]

• So: bigdick Hollywood producer Jon Peters is getting sued for sexual harassment. Peters was going to put out a memoir dishing on Hollywood’s shiniest, but it was shelved. All the people Peters was going to dish on the book could now use that pissiness to take the stand against him voluntarily, if called to do so. Some of the names on the list, via the Post:

  The leading ladies include Barbra Streisand, Salma Hayek, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Sharon Stone, Jennifer Lopez and Oprah Winfrey. Male stars include Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Jamie Foxx and Leonardo DiCaprio. Among the directors on the list are Bryan Singer, Brett Ratner and JJ Abrams.

  It’s like a well-balanced diet of hacks, has-beens and people other people actually like. Proportionally! Anyway, this could be fun, and also, piece-of-shit Hollywood producers deserve their comeuppance more than pretty much anybody I can think of off the top of my head. [Page Six]

• Sandra Bullock: self-aware! She knows she’s not winning an Oscar because this isn’t her Oscar-winning role. It’s just not. In fact, it’s… simply nothing substantial. The Hollywood Foreign Press doesn’t understand English so they gave her an award for a shitty movie. That’s all she needs. That’s all she deserves. She plays the Magic White Woman who teaches the Sad Black Kid how to eat at the table. Give me a fucking break. Sandra Bullock knows this. Good for her. Also, Sandra Bullock has a two-legged dog. Seriously. If these two things don’t make you like her, nothing will. And you’re heartless. You were heartless anyway. [People]

• Tiger Woods is plotting his return to golf. His penis could care less. [TMZ]

• So, apparently, Vladimir Putin had sex with a really hot, very accomplished gymnast — Alina Kabaeva — and the Post broke the story of him impregnating her. And in Soviet Russia, story break you, or something. The girl all but disappeared and only five people are in contact with her. They look like this when they’re not having sex:
  [Page Six]

• Brittany Murphy’s last words were “Mum, I’m dying.” Which is sad, tragic, and awful. [NYDN]

• Miley Cyrus tried to make herself less hateable by organising some charity auction for Haiti. Jury’s out right now, but so far, yeah: no. [People]

• Something about Pete Wentz enjoying “making babies” or some nonsense. Yeah, speak for yourself, buddy. [People]

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]