Rihanna Says All Girlfriends Owe Their Abusive Boyfriends Nudie Pics

Rihanna sent her mum flowers before breaking the news about her naked pics, Tiger Woods’s sexy texts messages are out, LiLo and SamRo make nice. Wednesday’s gossip is one nip slip short of a tabloid triathlon.

• Rihanna finally acknowledged a series of pornographic self-portraits that, until now, were merely rumoured to be of her. She said in a radio interview that they were for “my boyfriend at the time” (almost definitely Chris Brown) and “if you don’t send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him”. She sent her mother flowers before calling her to break the news that the world was about to see her daughter’s naughty parts. This is Emily Post’s recommended method for informing loved ones of an an impending sex scandal. [People]
• Tiger Woods Lover #2 kissed-and-told to basically anyone who would listen, including her coworkers, who she made listen to the infamous voicemail where Tiger asks her to remove her name from outgoing messages so his wife doesn’t catch him making sweet mistress love. [TMZ]
• Speaking of Jaimee Grubbs’ phone records, the rumoured sexy text messages are out, and they include declarative sentences like “I will wear you out” and “Hey, it’s Tiger.” [NYDN]
• “The War’s Over”: LiLo and SamRo have made peace. It’s like peace in the Middle East, but even more promising, because it has the potential to turn into hot lesbian sex any minute now. John Mayer is well aware of this, as he is the one who brokered the deal, which ended with hugs and “a scantily clad blond”. (Is the use of the masculine form purposeful here?) [P6] [Gatecrasher]
• 50 Cent carries $US25,000 on his person at all times “just in case”, and because he’s so intimidating, nobody will ever try to mug him anyway. [JustJared]
• Nick Jonas : Jonas Brothers :: John : The Beatles [Us]
• Natalie Portman was a teenage loser. Her first time drunk was at uni (and she went to Harvard, so it was probably nerdy drinking) and she didn’t try pot until she was in her 20s. And then she dated Devendra Banhart, a man whose life is one long psychedelic haze, [exhibit A] so that must have been enlightening. [P6]
• Jennifer Lopez’s lawyer says her sex tape doesn’t even have sex in it. Ojani Noa says he never meant to promote the footage as a sex tape, just that he wants to turn his 11+ hours of home video into a “mockumentary”, which is a really stunning word choice on multiple levels. [People]
• Will Ferrell wants to play Simon Cowell: “I see a lot of Ron Burgundy in Simon Cowell.” Genius. [ShowBizSpy]

Exhibit A.