The Lohan Ladies Strike Back: Operation Michael DeathHawk

Lindsay and Dina Lohan are pissed. Carly Simon wants to know where the Doritos are. Jon Gosselin has “mantrums”.

• BFFs Lindsay and Dina Lohan are strikin’ out! Against Dina’s drunk, trashy, hot mess of an ex-husband, Michael Lohan. Mostly for contravening house style of keeping the “hot” in Hot Mess as dictated by the Lohan Family Tradition. Oh, also, he’s Lindsay’s father, have you heard? If you’ve met him, he’s probably told you. And told you. And told you. In fact, that’s what Dina’s taking issue with. Besides the fact that he wants to make what more or less amounts to a citizen’s arrest of his daughter and cart her off to rehab, he’s gone off the reservation when it comes to television appearances. And by “off the reservation” I mean “Dina’s not seeing any of the cash from them”. Or anything else, supposedly. She went and screamed at Page Six. I’m sure Neel enjoyed this call:

  “He is hurting Lindsay. It breaks my heart. She’s like, ‘Mommy, when is he ever going to stop?’ ” Dina said. “He is also six months behind in his child support. On Monday, we will file a violation order, and if he doesn’t pay, he’ll go to jail. “He’s getting paid for these shows he’s doing talking about Lindsay,” Dina said. “He’s flying all over the country and not paying for his other three children he’s hurting every time he goes on television. “It is horrific that a father could do this. We are afraid he’s spiraling out of control. [Daughter] Ali is scared and will be getting an order of protection. Lindsay is getting an order in California and in New York. “He’s desperate, he’s running out of options because none of his children is talking to him. Doors are closing for him, and he’s getting a little nervous, which makes us nervous. We’re scared. “But I believe in karma, and his leash is getting tighter,” Dina said. “He just needs to zip his mouth.”

  Yes, because the swirling, chaotic forces of the universe that dictate what karma goes where gives a shit about the Lohan family. For one thing, they’ve already moved on to the Kushner-Trumps. For another, Doors are closing for him, and he’s getting a little nervous, which makes us nervous. We’re scared. is also, incidentally, what’s Lindsay’s team at CAA keep saying about her career. And why’s Dina Lohan asking Michael for child support? Because they need it? Or because she just needs something ridiculous to hold against him? Trying to hold delinquency on child support payments over Michael Lohan’s head is like holding Kim Jong-Il’s strange table manners against him: you couldn’t find anything better? Anyway, Lohan Ladies: keep on fiercing on, I guess. Also, I have no idea what that headline means. [Page Six]

• Andre Agassi. More startling revelation: Meth, or WIG? [Page Six]
• Haha, Jon Gosselin’s just as big an arsehole today as he was yesterday, with the revelation from Hailey Glassman that he used to throw “mantrums”. People has a conspiracy theory on how she wasn’t dumped, or something. [People]
• Damn. GQ knows how to get down…exactly how their readers would dream of doing so. At their party the other night, Mark Wahlberg shlubbed-out by showing up in sweatpants. Also, Kid Cudi inquired about the colour of a woman’s vagina. She responded: “Pink.” Is this like asking someone which way their flag flies, or something? Do not get. Pause. I didn’t know what a complicated question this was until now. Also, and I say this as a straight man: Gross? This is not a hangover-queasy-friendly item. Related: obligatory Kid Cudi-reference jam goes here. [Page Six]
• Here’s some item about some charity thing with kids and whatever, but LOOK. It’s Clint Eastwood’s daughter. ["Million Dollar Baby" euthanasia joke, TK TK.] Seriously. She might be the only 16-year-old in Hollywood with a thousand-yard stare (”THANKS, DAD.”) I wonder if she asks her hookups if they’re feeling lucky. Punk. I can’t imagine teenage boys being able to date her. F—k, I’m intimidated by her. [Page Six]
• Carly Simon’s been in a very special relationship, one where time brings both parties closer together, instead of doing like it normally does and pulling them apart: with weed, man. No joke. Carly didn’t used to do it back in the day when EVERYONE smoked the kindbud, but now, that type of shit happens ev-er-y-day. I bet you think this bong is about you, don’t you? [Page Six]
• Colin Ferrell had a baby! It was born with a beanie on its head, like so. Mazel. [NYDN]
• “Is Page Six to be blamed for the worldwide fame of Andy Warhol?” asks Page Six in the lead to an item about a new book on Warhol. Even if it’s true, I think it’s safe to say that the “blame” for Andy Warhol can be offset by any number of New York Peoplethings you’ve hoisted on our brains. You’re “forgiven”. [Page Six]
• Dennis Hopper has prostate cancer. This is sad and scary because Hopper’s what my grandmother would call a “tough old bird”, and she’d be right. [Page Six]
• Nic Cage’s financial adviser screwed him for money. If Nic Cage can’t trust his moneyman, who can? [People]