R-Patz And K-Stew Would Rather Be Alone And Drunk Than With You

RobPatz and K-Stew are doing it, a lot, instead of promotions. Jay-Z doesn’t want to piss off Beyonce. Christie Brinkley: psycho. Diddy: birthday boy. Marv Albert Vs. 50 Cent? Fight of the year! Presenting your Sunday Gossip Roundup:

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart decided to opt out of going to The Box for their New York New Moon premiere after-party, instead opting to go to Avenue, where they could sit around, drink vodka, drink beer, get trashed, leave, go home and do it. Robert Pattinson’s psychotic, obsessive stalker-fans, are you listening? Tune your teenage to mid-30s adult ears to this: Rather than hang out with Kellan Lutz and the rest of their cast, you know what they’re doing? They’re going home and doing it. Now, I know, I know, you all think Kristen Stewart is the most evil thing in the universe and that she should die a fiery death while Rob realises who the real lady of his life needs to be: you. You should probably get used to the fact that (A) this will never happen because you’re not movie-star good-looking and she is, (B) the love you do find will be some kind of settlement, (C) and they will probably work in middle management, and (D) they will not be a blood-sucking vampire, they will just suck at your will to live. So! While Robert Pattinson enjoys ditching his Twilight castmates for getting drunk and doing it with Kristen Stewart, you’re getting prepared for life! Psychos. [Page Six]

• Okay, Boris and Natasha-esque Rush and Molloy, you done did good on this one! Today the Daily News gossip duo focus their moose-and-squirrel sights on Christie Brinkley’s fourth divorce, from Peter Cook, which ex-husband Billy Joel is being a mensch about and stepping up to her defence for. Unfortunately, this is being countered by a former Brinkley maid, Alzirene Vianna, stepping out and giving details for. This shit is too crazy. Highlights: Christie never encouraged her daughter to call her dad, Billy. Christie told her then eight-year-old daughter that she basically needed to stop f—king up her relationship with Christie’s new man. Christie used to kick doors when she was locked out of rooms by her husbands. Christie was a pillhead. Christie used to throw stuff at husbands leaving in cars from inside their house, via window. Basically: Christie Brinkley is insane, and on her fourth divorce because of it. [NYDN]

• NICE. While every guy in the club the other night after the Victoria’s Secret fashion show was clamouring to get a spot next to some of the hotness, Jay-Z gave explicit instructions to keep him away from them because he didn’t want to piss off Beyonce. The man’s got respect for his lady, yo. If I were dating Beyonce, I would, too. Jay-Z’s gonna be the one guy not to f–k his good thing up. Nice. Alternate Take/Conspiracy Theory: Jay-Z worked very hard to stay away from models at the Victoria’s Secret show to get his publicist to plant an item that could be corroborated with other accounts and placed in Page Six so Beyonce would let him off the short leash he’s on to go kick it with models. Yeah, but again, the problem with this theory is that Jay-Z’s dating Beyonce. [Page Six]

• Best random fact of the day: Andre Leon Talley wears size 16 shoes. Yes, they are bespoke. [Page Six]

• Diddy threw a $US3 million birthday party at The Plaza. There were lion-tamers and fire-breathers and clowns and magicians and probably a few druglords or two. JK, you guys. There were no lion-tamers. But there were lots of people and, oh wait, what’s this? Security was tight and even Tyrese Gibson and “Twilight’s” Kellan Lutz had to talk their way into the VIP area. Is it just me or is Tyrese talking his way into more and more security areas these days? Anyway. I hope Diddy got all the cheesecake he wanted for his birthday. [Page Six]

• Cross-dressing perv Marv Albert and Fiddy Cent did or did not have some kind of run-in on the Kimmel show. What? I don’t know. How the hell does a rumour start about Marv Albert getting into a fight with Fiddy Cent’s entourage? There are at least 21 questions about this kind of thing, none of the answers do I give a shit about knowing. [NYDN]

• Oprah announced that she’s leaving The (Talk Show) Game, and now her best friend Gayle King is gonna try to steal the crown. Don’t forget to kiss the ring, Gayle. [Page Six]

• Olympic swimmers! They’re just like us. They like to smoke weed and sometimes mess up their taxes. Whoops! Michael Phelps, dude, face outta the bong for one sec. Take it to H&R Block, you know? [TMZ]

• Tyson Beckford drove his motorcycle in circles and then went home. [Page Six]

• Apparently, it’s 1995, because TMZ is making OJ jokes again. [TMZ]

OK, so, technical problems aside, we’re all feeling much better today! And also, I’m so excited for the next item, I can’t even, well, just, OK. Hang in there for one moment. Some things are just too good for the gossip roundup, you know? YOU KNOW. Also, big ups to Jay-Z for being good to Beyonce! Sometimes, people do good things and don’t go rub up on models and make a point of it, whether it’s because he wants Beyonce to know explicitly or not, right? Right. Here’s a good cover of Beyonce’s “Halo”, let’s wrap up the weekend.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]