Michael Lohan And Jon Gosselin Form Coalition Of The Azzwizzards

Kind of like a Harry Potter book, right? Michael Lohan’s now Jon Gosselin’s contracts expert. Nothing but squares at the Daily News. Robert Pattinson hates his life. Carrie Prejean: monumentally stupider than previously imagined. Here’s your Saturday Gossip Roundup:

• So, wait, when did Michael Lohan become a contracts expert? Oh, that’s right: when he started representing Jon Gosselin. Yeah: that’s what they were doing hanging out together all those times. Lohan was representing Jon Gosselin. Jon Gosselin elected Michael Lohan to represent him. First of all, I don’t care if Michael Lohan is offering to pay your pay TV bill in person, you do not elect Michael Lohan to represent you in any way, least of all in any kind of contract dispute. This is a guy who can’t pay his child support which is probably like $US15 a month, I mean, f—king really, Jon Gosselin. We kind of thought you were a lunk before but this is absurd. The agreement was in some kind of management capacity, and Lohan brought the documents to Zombie Radar, and honestly, this day just keeps getting more and more f—ked up. REALLY? Really. Christ. [NYDN]

• Robert Pattinson is slowly having his soul sucked from his face because of Twilight. TMZ has the proof. Of course they do. [TMZ]

• I know, I know, you’re not supposed to use this word. Can we, just this once? No? Whatever, I really don’t care. My ear hurts. Carrie Prejean is retarded. How retarded? Really retarded. I mean, besides being a complete ignoramus and misanthrope, she’s so retarded that she can’t even fill out her own questionnaire for the Ms. California pageant, so she had the guy she boned on the sex tape help her out with some of the questions. Synergy! One of the questions she needed help with was If you could have lunch with any one (1) person, who would it be and why? Like, you need HELP with that question? If my job were to sit around all day and answer questions like that (instead of solving the philosophical mysteries of the universe, as I’m doing right now), life would be pretty swell. That is all. [TMZ]

• Honestly, I have no idea what the f—k is going on today. Read this story. Seriously. It’s about some West Wing actress I’ve never heard of defending the honour of J-Lo and Marc Anthony’s dog as a “Lassie” and not a “Cujo”, which is what I feel like I’m about to transform into. Seriously, everything’s broken, and I feel like there’s a cosmic dick in my ear and it hurts. Wrong side of the bed? More like wrong side of the universe. [NYDN]

• OK, seriously Warner Music Publicity? This is absurd. Nobody knows who this Katherine Jenkins person is, or what she sings or why we should be so crazy excited about her if she isn’t the second coming of the Spice Girls and honestly, like, we just don’t get it. Who is this person, why is she sooooo big in England, and why should we care? Go. Damn! Time’s up. We still don’t care. Also, your food sucks. No, but really, look at this quote from “iconic” Warner Music Publicist Liz Rosenberg: “I call her Leg, which is short for legend.” Well, I call her “WTF”, which is short for “One could theoretically spend 10 minutes trying to write this item up trying to convince themselves to look up some of this person’s music to find out who she is and not bring themselves to. Why?” Seeing as how that just happened, it works, right? [Page Six]

• Oprah’s quitting and some of her celebrity friends like Ellen are sad. [NYDN]

• More great news delivered via the Associated Squares that make this all the easier to write about: a South Korean supermodel was very, very depressed, and hung herself. She was beautiful. Her name was Daul Kim, and she blogged about her depression before this happened. [NYDN]

• Can we talk, for a second, about the best sighting the New York Post has ever published? No comment needed. This is just art. “Natalie Portman leaving the NY Public Library on Fifth Avenue smoking a cigarette and wearing Ray Bans.” Okay, comment: SWOON. [Page Six]

• Apparently Tila Tequila, she of the short-lived MTV reality dating program A Shot At Having Your Own Unique, Obscure Strain of STD with Tila Tequila — it’s like Top Gear, but they test drive different strains of herpes — apparently had some kind of freak-out on her live streaming broadcast page where she stripped and spoke in tongues or something. Now she’s blaming it on her ex-boyfriend Shawn Merriman, who she tried to get convicted of domestic abuse. Shawn Merriman probably doesn’t even know Tila Tequila’s name anymore. Harsh, right? Kinda probably true though. [NYDN]

• Ha! Remember the scuzzy f—kball paps that tried to infiltrate and mess up Britney Spears’ life? Yeah, well, he’s going to jail for 45 days on charges associated with being a scuzzy f—kball and Brit-Brit is still fabulous. Don’t call it a comeback, bitches. Mess with the gays’ icons and they’ll get you put in the slammer, for serious. Speaking of: When is the inevitable batshit craziness of a Lady Gagadong and Brit-Brit collab joint gonna pop off? Because that’s a joint that must be rocked. [NYDN]