Jon Gosselin And The Jews: A Match Made In Zion

Wow. Do we have a special one today. Jon Gosselin, seeking help from a rabbi. Alex Rodriguez thinks he’s a centaur. Jessica Simpson’s man requirements. Lady Gaga’s ballet. RobPatz’s marriage prospects. Presenting today’s epic Gossip Roundup. Get scared…

Boo. Celebrities, no one’s about to save you from the beast that’s gonna strike. Which is me.

• Well, well, well. What do we have today for you guys? Only the most royally blue of Blue Plate Specials. You want traif? We’ve got your traif right here:

  Jon Gosselin has been told to dump girlfriend Hailey Glassman. His spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, told us, “I have advised him to end it with Hailey. It is unacceptable to be in a relationship when he is still married and has to take care of kids who are hurting. It is not a healthy relationship.” Gosselin’s expected to announce the split during a speech at the West Side Synagogue at 7 p.m. tomorrow.

  Dear Jon Gosselin,

  Ahem. Or rather: achem.

  Not that I’m properly licensed in any way to speak on behalf of The Jews — besides the fact that, you know, I control the media, heh — but seriously, we don’t want you. While you’re at it, you can take this crook rabbi who managed to sneak you onto a bima with you. Seriously, I don’t know which of you is worse: the famewhore Chabad rabbi supposedly trying to give you spiritual consultation, operating under the guise of a Magical Jew who can help you find yourself, or you, the out-and-out famewhore. Well, let’s go by who has more kids, right? More to ruin. You’ve got eight. Boteach?

  Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

  We have a winner! But you’re still an arsehole and we still don’t want you. Thanks.

  Signed,

  Foster

  P.S. Are you f—king kidding me? [Page Six, NYDN]

• Oh, and also, he’s trying to control people with suicide threats. I wonder if he picked that one up off his kids. [NYDN]

• And in other news, Jon Gosselin has officially been named Assface of the Year 2009, via an august news organisation, the designator of which is known for his breakthrough research in the field of Lady Gaga’s penis. When theoretically asked what he’d do with the theoretical prize money, he theoretically said something that had nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with his hand-wringing guilt about being a F—kface, thereby making him more of a F—kface. That last part was not theoretical. [Gawker]

• Rob Patz and K-Stew have finished filming Eclipse. Related: Robert Pattinson still hates his psychotic fans. So much so that he’s talking about marrying Kristen Stewart, apparently. Love it. [Showbiz Spy]

• Hugh Jackman is preparing himself for the emotional challenges that await him once he passes down the crown of People’s Sexiest Man Alive to the next winner. My bookie back home has great odds on this year, and I’m supposed to tell you all that the 20:1 bet on Clark Hoyt’s a real steal, all things considered. Full disclosure: I skim $US0.30 to the dollar every time someone makes that bet. But again: it’s a great deal. [People]

• This is awesome: A-Rod& mdash; who is currently using his bat take win the World Series for the Yankees — also manages to hit home with his other bat quite often. Yes, I’m talking about his penis. And Kate Hudson, who can’t stop talking to everyone about it. This includes her parents, but come on, like Goldie Hawn minds. Goldie Hawn wants to know this shit. But that’s not the awesome part. What’s awesome is what Goldie Hawn probably doesn’t want to know: that A-Rod has a portrait of himself painted as a centaur — yes, that kind of centaur — above his bed that he had commissioned. Read that again: A-Rod has a portrait of himself painted as a centaur above his bed. As a Yankees fan — I know, I know — this hurts. It couldn’t have been Matsui? Or Damon? Or Posada? Posada would’ve been great! Even Melky! Melky would’ve been hysterical. But seriously, it had to be you, didn’t it, Alex? Come on. You make it way, way, way too easy for them. This is your first World Series. You don’t even grow hooves until your ninth. Get there. Related: “Jesus”. [NYDN]

• Paparazzi can be complete arseholes, and really, the New York Post should’ve outed this one by name so he can get egged tonight or something. One of them was stalking her outside her West Village place as she was walking her dog and kept egging her on about what it’s like to act on Broadway so close to Jude Law (their respective shows are more or less around the corner from one another). Sienna burst into tears and told the guy to f—k off. Instead, the Post decided to take the classy way about this one, headlining it “Sienna’s stressed”. Maybe true! But more interesting is what a complete arsehole some people can be, proved twice with one item in entirely different contexts. Nice! [Page Six]

• Uh, best day of life, ev-ar. Lady Gaga will be performing with a ballet company. Hopefully they’ll do Swan Lake and Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis will be BatSwan-na and she will be bubblefoamed to a tragic demise in the third act by a gang of Tangthirsty Spanish warlord anteaters. Ballet is awesome. [NYDN]

• Lil Wayne’s being sued by some guy who’s claiming Wayne stole his voice and used it on two records. To which I say: (1) Well, he needed it; hell, Lil Wheezy could use my voice. And (2) if that’s all he stole, consider yourself lucky, gangster. You got off easy. Dahcktah Cah-tah doesn’t usually put in such bush-league performances. [NYDN]

• Molly Sims is doing charity work in Haiti. It’s difficult to laugh at celebrities doing work like this. On one hand, yes, they’re probably furthering their own celebrity by doing it. On the other hand, I don’t have the resources to, and our government’s too incompetent to. So: what do you do? You read the Page Six item and play along. [Page Six]

• Heh. Madonna’s boyfriend, Jesus — not the Jewish one — got beat out for some modelling campaign. Obvi. Fake Jesus never wins. At anything. [Page Six]

• Leighton Meester’s going to slum it at the opening of American Eagle in Times Square by singing there. Also, Times Square continues to suck. Shocker. [Page Six]

• A gossip reporter who’s been heavy on the Todd English beat may have had a close encounter with him, yesterday. [BlackBook]

• WTF. There’s a new MTV show starring arseholes. I didn’t even read the article, I have no idea what it’s about. Just look at the picture. Look. Where do they get these people? Is there a casting agency who just has a monopoly on this kind of thing? [NYDN]

• Jessica Simpson needs a man, and apparently, she’s given her list of needs to the Daily News. How about one that doesn’t feed into her daddy issues, for one? Related: every time Joe Simpson comes up, I feel compelled to mention the fact that Joe Simpson has an Arcade Fire song written about him. Anyway, Jessica’s ideal man is supposedly intellectual, sensitive, spiritual, and is artistically inclined. She just returned from a trip to India, too. Takeaway: women of the world need to stop reading Eat, Pray, Love, and they need to stop now. Most women are smarter than that, but to the ones who aren’t, and Jessica, this jam goes out to you: Except for Sting, they’re not real. You get us, instead. Welcome to reality. We’re not Gandhi, but we try. Kinda. Related: we came to terms with the fact that you’re not all gonna be Natalie Portman a long, long time ago. [NYDN]

And of course, this:

Again: Boo.