Woman Denies Performing Oral Sex On Ute Driver

The Northern Territory News is reknown for publishing pretty amazing stories on a regular basis, but I think this one would have to be my all time favourite – mostly because it contains some fairly entertaining and colourful quotes.

Let’s just get down to business, shall we?

Allyson White said the standout burn mark left by her seatbelt across her chest was proof the claims of “amorous activities” with the driver were not true.

“I was not sucking his d*** – and it’s pretty obvious that wasn’t the case … you only have to look at the mark on my chest,” she said.

Now brace yourself, because this next bit is spectacular (or as my friend Luke put it, “this is quite possibly the best quote ever written in a newpaper”.)

“Clearly I had my seatbelt on, so it’s impossible that I’d be leaning over sucking his d*** unless he is hung like a donkey or I’ve got a f****** rubber neck.

“If it was true I’d just cop it sweet and think ‘how embarassing, I got caught sucking someone’s d***’ – but it is not true and that’s what is p****** me off.”

There is a perfectly good explanation as to why people assumed the worst of Allyson.

“It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my girls were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably just assumed I was a sex worker or something and he’d already paid me.

“But $5 is a bit cheap for a head job.”

As someone who a) often stores money in my massive cans and b) charges more than $5 for a blowjob, I could not be more supportive of Allyson.

And check out the photo – and caption – of delightfully foul-mouthed waitress Allyson White! I have helpfully circled the things that particularly tickled me.

I think we’re all agreed that this is the best article published in an Australian newspaper all year, yeah?

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