Oprah Ruins KISS’ Final Shot At Glory

Did you know that in KISS’s epic career, they’ve never had an album reach the No. 1 on the Billboard chart? After they released their record last week, that final prize seemed at hand. Then Oprah ruined everything.

The stage had been set; a six month lead-up to their return kicked off by a celebrated appearance at the American Idol finale, Gene Simmons sharing the mike with Adam Lambert. Their first album release in 11 years was being backed by the current gold standard of record releases — a Walmart exclusive. With the album tracking in the 150,000 sales range, the music press had all but proclaimed it a lock on the #1 slot.

And then today, somewhere out there in KISS’ tour bus, Gene Simmons stepped over passed-out groupies and the bodies of decapitated farm animals from last night’s victory party. He made his way towards the front of the bus where today’s Billboard had just arrived, pausing to roll his cow tongue up and down the cooling strippers’ pole, giving himself a little bracing jolt before he took in the new issue which would feature his made-up face under the banner hed “#1!”

And then he looked down and saw…Michael F—king Buble.

Today the numbers were tabulated and KISS placed a distant second to crooner Michael Buble’s Crazy Love album. As explained on Hitfix, all the world’s music gurus neglected to take into account the one power in the Universe stronger than Walmart — Oprah herself, who invited Buble on last Friday, sending his collection of olde timey ballads soaring off the racks over the weekend and earning him the top slot.

If it’s any consolation to the face-painted army, at least they missed losing to Streisand by a week.