Jon Returns Money That Kate-Hate Will Spend On Her Roadkill Hair

Jon and Kate Gosselin are basically the worst people in the history of TV. Scott Weiland’s wife: a crazy-awesome smack addict. Kanyeezy’s community serveezy. J-Lo’s Lola gives me facehurt. Weirdos! Celebrities! Whatever! Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Professional cockface Jon Gosselin is going to return the money he stole from his and his wife’s joint bank account, and God only knows what she’s going to spend it on. I mean, that hair, right?! At least do something about that. Something. Meanwhile, the Freduain damage of how much the kids h8 him racks up by the minute. Read this heartbreaker and then decide how much you hate this man and his ex-wench to be. [NYDN]

Scott Weiland of the Stone Temple Pilots was probably a more famous heroin addict than he was a rock star, which is when you know you have a respectably-sized habit: that it outshines the legacy of things you’re actually paid to do. There’s got to be some kind of mathematical equation for this. I think it goes something like: the more money you make, the lower the percentage of your income you need to spend on heroin to have it become a significant part of your legacy. Anyway: Scott Weiland did a fuckton of smack, and his wife’s writing a book about it, and the best clip Page Six (who’s leading with this item?!) runs from it is:

“The bonfire was huge and very pretty. Everything went up in smoke quickly, except the shoe leather; the Guccis took the longest,” she writes. “The news reports said I’d torched $US10,000 worth of Scott’s clothes, which was wrong by a factor of eight. He was somewhat insulted at their estimate: ‘Eighty thousand dollars, Mary,’ he said later.”

Right? Because if my lady torched my Gucci kicks because she was a bipolar smack addict, I’d at least want to make sure she got the cost of the thing right. [Page Six]

Kanyeezy’s gonna get 50 hours of community service for slamming a photographer in the face. He will still do anything for a blonde dyke, a compulsion I have yet to understand. She just won’t be that into you, man. [NYDN]

Levi Johnston doesn’t know whether or not he’s going to fully exhibit his cock in Playgirl. This brings the word “cocktease” to new levels, none of which I’d ever planned on ascending nor am I pleased to have done so. Thank you, job. [NYDN]

Lamar Odom has yet to introduce his Vampire Bride Khloe Kardashian to his kids. Maybe that’s because she’s a moron, and he doesn’t want them to get infected by whatever his brain has been diseased with since dating her. [NYDN]

Jeremy Piven made a lot of money for charity by selling a walk-on role in Entourage. Apparently, someone just paid $US20,000 or whatever to get a stapler thrown at their head and hey, I’d watch that. Anyway: Charlize Theron was pissed because she know’s what a cockwaffle Piven is and she told the people at said charity event that she’d make out with another woman for twenty seconds if they bid on it and won, and some woman did, and she made out with her for twenty seconds, to the tune of $US140,000. But really, let’s assume a man paid for this, because women aren’t stupid enough to pay $US140,000 to make out with Charlize Theron for 20 seconds when they know they could probably get it for free. This is just further evidence that the age-old ritual at seeing two drunk girls at a party full of cockwaffles gives many men the impulse to be like MAKE OUT DO IT COME ON but this time, Charlize, you cost one of those assholes $US140,000. So: good on you. [Page Six]

Damn, it sucks to be the middle kid. Jody Sweetin apparently was fucked up on los drogas while giving speeches to kids on how she’d cleaned up and how they should stay away from los drogas. Again: damn. [NYDN]

Just read the way this Showbiz Spy gossip writes about Robert Pattenson’s upcoming appearance on Ellen. When you’re done, hold your breath, and count how many brain cells you can feel yourself losing. [Showbiz Spy]

Garth Brooks had Chris Gaines. David Bowie had Ziggy Stardust. Beyonce had Sasha Fierce. Mariah Carey had Mimi. And now, Jennifer Lopez has Lola. Meanwhile, I still don’t understand what any of this means, because, for better or for worse, you’re still the same goddamn people. [Page Six]

I couldn’t tell you who Lady Mountbatten, but apparently, she was the hottest thing to hit India since Shiva’s Hustler spread. What? No idea. Anyway! This Lady person is the subject of Atonement director Joe Wright’s new movie, and the Indian government doesn’t want them filming it there as the script stands, which is with a hot-and-heavy love story involving some kind of revered figure in India. I’m just shocked at the revelation that anything filmed in India doesn’t have to pass an “Awful” test. I’m serious. Bollywood movies make my face hurt. People who suggest they feel otherwise are full of shit. [Page Six]

Page Six makes a good point that you probably want to be in the family of Sam Mendes: directed American Beauty, married to Kate Winslet, and now, has a mother who just sold another book in the UK. [Page Six]