Is Men’s Body Wash Actually Way Gay?
Are you one of the millions of men who have been suckered into purchasing “body wash” with the tacit assurance that said product will get you mad ladies and does not make you totally gay? You’ve been had.
It was all a trick, by marketing people, to get you to buy body wash! The NYT digs deep into the dirty scam—it turns out that instead of being an honest appraisal of body wash’s ability to engorge the loins of females, all those sexxxy Axe ads may have been tainted by hyperbole. Furthermore, girls were using body wash before boys, and now boys are using it which makes them totally gay, differently-designed packaging be damned! Like Big Tobacco, Big Body Wash gets you while you’re young:
For men using body wash “to go mainstream like this it really has to be taught when boys are pubescent,” she said. “One thing you can be sure of with pubescent boys, because of their hormones, is that they stink.”
Just because we’re stank and dumb is no reason to take advantage of us.
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Comments (AU Comments | US Comments)
@Richard Petty Bourgeoisie: Not unless you're also wearing Cavarrici's.
Fuzzy Dunlop
It's not the body wash that's gay, it's the loofah and body scrubbers you have to use to make them work.
This is overkill. All it takes to get laid is 35 sprays of Drakkar Noir, a spanking new Charlotte Hornets t-shirt and a matching Starter cap.*
*Valid only in 1989 New Jersey.
It won't be gay until they do something about the soapy taste.
not2techy
Just some advice, don't get any of that Axe stuff on your nuts.
One of my secretaries bought me a bottle of Charlie White Cologne Spray for Men for National Boss' Day this past year.
I've had nothing but compliments.
Thank God I stick to my natural aroma of booze and cigarettes.
rudi_freude
@Richard Petty Bourgeoisie: Also 1999 New Jersey, and 2009 New Jersey ....
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
@Spirit Fingers: I was under the impression that no self-respecting straight man over the age of 14 would either.
FattyCatty
Well, let's consider the bathroom it's in:
A) An errant sock behind the toilet. Grunge surrounding the fixtures. A raggedy washcloth used as a sponge, beard hair bits around the sink edge, and an old t-shirt in place of where a shower floor mat should be + Axe body wash = Not gay, but not getting laid either.
B) None of the above, but basil, eucalyptus, cucumber face wash, candles, potpourri, or bath salts + Axe body wash = Not gay, but trying waaayy too hard to get laid.
Answer = No self-respecting gay man would buy $4.99 Axe body wash that smells like a cab ride from Port Authority.
Spirit Fingers
Someone's got to gently explain to straight American men that caring about your appearance and practicing basic hygiene isn't gay.
Maybe the President can cover this during the "stay in school, kids" speech?
City_Dater
Here's an easy way to tell. If your body wash is also a shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant, face scrub, shave cream, body polish, cologne,and conditioner all in one, it's NOT gay.
I’m pretty sure body wash is gay only if you’re massaging it lovingly on to your buddy’s shoulders and back while you’ve got your dick up his ass. Otherwise, gym-shower back rubs for all, no homo.
@Spirit Fingers: how many french moulin rouge/chat noir/vermouth posters are in the apartment or hanging over the shitter?
shostakobitch
@shostakobitch: Oh yeah (or so it seems from the shrieking of those gay dudes in my neighborhood bath house).
@PaisleyPajamas: Well there's a limit though right? A guy shouldn't shower every day (unless he exercises, or it's a hot summer) and only wear jeans once. The idea is to smell like a freshly washed and well groomed person, not to smell like a new layer of body wash applied like spackle.
but does it irritate the urethra when used as a masturbatory lubricant in the shower?
shostakobitch
I think the caveman commercial is clever. Of course I find myself strangely drawn to men who shower before a date and for whom getting dressed in the morning does not entail the sniffing of yesterday's jeans.
Anything that keeps young men from smelling like smeared taint is okay with me.
Quoth the NYT:
"One thing you can be sure of with pubescent boys, because of their hormones, is that they stink."
"It’s almost in the shape of a bar of soap, so it’s something guys were used to holding and fits well in a guy’s hand."
1) May I suggest an alternative packaging ploy for said pubescent boys?
2) Seems to me, body wash serves an altogether different purpose than attracting girls. A night in, rather than a night out.
hilikusopus
@Fuzzy Dunlop: Harsh, tough guy.
By the way, [www.fansedge.com]
@Fuzzy Dunlop: I'm sure an enterprising New Jerseyan can locate a never-before-worn Hornets cap even now.
@Pope John Peeps II: Absolutely agreed.
@DennyCrane: 2009? Fool. The Charlotte Hornets don't even exist anymore.
Fuzzy Dunlop
Stinking and idiocy are actually two very strong reasons not to take advantage of someone.
@naugahydeinplainsight: Numbers 1 and 2 are related in such a way as to preclude my saying so explicitly, in the company of respectable persons such as yourself naugahydeinplainsight. ;)
hilikusopus
On the plus side, the body wash rinses off and only a certain amount of scent remains. This helps the straight man who can't figure out when to say when in regards to cologne.
@hilikusopus: For 1), you're thinking, perhaps of packaging in the shape of something else pubescent boys are used to holding and fits well in their hand? Especially the stinky boys who aren't getting any?
All the strippers at the club say they like the way I smell, at least until my ATM card gives out.
stanner
@City_Dater: That is so wrong. Basic hygiene = totally gay.
ShanghaiLil
When it is sold with a "shower tool," yes, yes it is gay.
@iplaudius: What the hell you're doing rubbing body wash while you do his ass? What are you? Queer? Pay attention to the fucking and not on the damn body wash!
AEchinoderm
@ShanghaiLil: BASIC hygiene ain't gay. Elaborate hygiene is. Basic hygiene: shower, clean everything with soap, use deodorant, brush teeth. Elaborate hygiene: anything else.
AEchinoderm