The New York Times Discovers Penis Pumps
While America’s medical debates rage on, many of its significant members, of all colours and sizes, limply, quietly weep to themselves: penises. But! This is one health care package making serious progress: Flaccid penises demand innovation, as the Times discovered.
In tomorrow’s Health section will be an article by one Ms Lesley Alderman, whose wide, circumspect research deeply penetrates one of the key mysteries of the universe: how to further solve the problem of a limp dick. Those Viagra pills are too expensive! At $US15 a pop, we learn, science has been forced to come up with alternatives. Like a so-called “penis pump”, or a “vacuum erection device”, Alderman writes. Behold the future:
It works like this: you place a tube on the penis and then pump the air out of the tube, which pulls blood into the penis. When the penis is erect, you then put a snug ring around the base to maintain the erection, which lasts long enough to have sex. The cost for the device, which requires a prescription, can run from $US300 to $US600, but most insurers and Medicare will cover part of the cost and the device should last for years. Even if you spend $US300 out of pocket and use the device once a week, you’ll be spending much less per year than on pills or injections. You can also buy a nonprescription pump online (even Amazon carries some) for as little as $US30, Dr. McCullough said.
A non-prescription penis pump, you say? Available for your average consumer? Science is incredible.
Oh, but there’s more, when you’re not inflating your penis with your Medicare-purchased vacuum erection device—which, it should be noted, is different than an average house vacuum, sans attachment—you can give “self-administered injections of alprostadil” a shot. Literally. It’s a drug that helps blood vessels expand, and you mainline it straight into your procreation device with a hypodermic needle. Let’s face it: there’s nothing more romantic than a penis shot leading up to some good, sweet loving. The New York Times neglects to inform you that this innovation was preceded by AC/DC almost 20 years ago in the 1990 classic, “Shot of Love.”
But the best way to regard upkeep of penises (or the keeping up!) is, as always, living a healthy lifestyle:
“Erectile problems may show up about three years before a cardiovascular event such as a heart attack or stroke,” says Dr. Ira Sharlip, clinical professor of urology at the University of California, San Francisco…”There is increasing evidence that we can reverse erectile dysfunction with lifestyle changes,” says Dr. Drogo K. Montague, director of the centre for Genitourinary Reconstruction in the Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute at Cleveland Clinic.
Great news for everyone but AC/DC, whose engorged testicles could get in the way of hopping on the treadmill. Otherwise, you, too, can begin your firm commitment to your penis, today. As with everything, exercise is tragically, sadly the final answer.
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Comments (AU Comments | US Comments)
Foster, I want to kiss you! You made my day! Anyone who links to "(We've Got) Big Balls" is all right in my book.
irishflyesq
Glad to see the NYT is exploring the new neighborhood -- there's still (by my count at least) six blue shops in the immediate vicinity of the new HQ. The one I past most has a great display of penis pumps along with a poster for "Man Island" (which never fails to crack me up).
I wonder what's going to be the fallout in the red states when they discover that gays can get free penis pumps, too?
Come close, I want to tell you something important: If you da kine who likes to get yo freak on... penis pumps are AMAZING.
XanaduXero
@SaraRueful: "The New York Times: Journalism at the fore(skin)"
m4ximusprim3
I like anything that we can play around with on a Sunday afternoon. goood loves you
teebol
@Foster Kamer: A toothless yarbling is your just reward.
taosaur
I worked as a clerk in a porn shop in 1993 and we sold these things. John Holmes even had his name on one. As always, way to to go, New York Times, for being on the forefront of everything.
SaraRueful
Go with Cialis. Eventually you die anyway . . . so what if you can go deaf or blind. I don't believe that anyway since they told us that when we were nine . . .
MassimoWoodpecker
@if_i_only_had_a_heart: I need to start a contracting business on this. Hell, I'll give them a break -- $200-$500 for a penis pump. I must be craaaaaaazy for selling penis pumps at these prices.
ShanghaiLil
i followed one of the links in the article.
you just took me to the google search results page for penis pumps.
i feel dirty, gawker. dirty and betrayed.
waltzngmatlda
@friend_of_a_friend: This is why I've basically abstained from taking any kind of responsibility from the content in the comments. Sigh. Then again, they say you get the audience you deserve. I get the "sans denture blowjob" contingent.
Excellent news! Medicare will split the costs with me!
Erector set . . .
@Trai_Dep: A bicycle pump? Ow?
@allyzay: ny rulz. this is true. it totally should be our own separate nation. fuck the square states.
@Uncle_Billy_Slumming: lulz
@if_i_only_had_a_heart: This isn't true in a lot of states (NY is one of them). You should move! This is possibly an unfeasible suggestion.
@momof3wildkids: One of many. Again, paging George Gurley.
I'm alarmed by the existence of non-prescription penis pumps. Who monitors these feral pumps? Who administers them? Who instructs in their intended use?
Imagine if instead of a penis, one is carelessly fitted on a dangling hand in error? Or knock-offs made from bamboo stalks and aquarium pumps are substituted? If they're pumped too little, or too much? What if they're confused for the Whippets dispenser? A bong? Or worse, Timmy's bicycle pump?!
It's clear that the NYT needs to devote a series on this unsettling development. Otherwise, only tragedy can ensue.
Trai_Dep
@if_i_only_had_a_heart:
I don't know, but I would be willing to test it.
@ShanghaiLil: ask smails
@Uncle_Billy_Slumming: it's kind of a chicken egg issue there though isn't it
If oral sex can't snap you out of impotence, you might as well be dead anyway.
Watch for the new series, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby," by The New York Times.
EastEndguy
$300-$600 for a penis pump? Hell, I can get a decent one for about $60 retail at the porn store. Or so I'm told.
ShanghaiLil
jesus fucking christ. insurance covers this happy fun stuff but doesn't cover birth control pills and/or abortions
if there is a god she's fucking laughing at us
@Cheap Shot: That's right, Grandma! All you need to do is take out your dentures, form a tight seal with your lips and suck.
friend_of_a_friend
Or as one, wonderfully intelligent man stated... "We wouldn't need these things if women didn't expect so much!"
Cynner
Screw that, this is ALL you need guys!
Based on that picture, it wouldn't take much to erect your own.
kneetoe
The shot isn't new as far as I know.
merc6point9
@Cheap Shot: And that really shouldn't set you back $300.
kneetoe
I guess that is one solution to a floppy woo.
momof3wildkids
So basically it does what a mouth could do? Ok.