Paula Abdul’s Diet Of Skittles, Gravity About To Go Terribly Wrong

The former American Idol judge’s job offer, Jessica Simpson’s training for Hell Week. Gerard Butler likes dumb chicks. Paris Jackson’s biological father? Lady Gaga: still ridiculous, no word on her penis. Presenting your Monday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• Paula Abdul definitely got the invite to be a judge on Dancing With The Stars, and also as a guest star or contestant. Reports the NY Daily News: “ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson said Saturday he called her right after he heard about her exit from Fox’s “American Idol” to say she’d be welcome anytime on ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars.” This is in addition to the offer she got from the British guy on So You Think You Can Dance. I haven’t watched American Idol since they stopped summarily executing the losers, but can someone tell me if Paula Abdul is actually coherent enough to take one of these jobs? I always assumed she still has to be wrangled by a group of handlers who keep on feeding her Sour Skittles and telling her that SkatKat’s coming to get her if she doesn’t show up to work, but again, I’m not completely up to speed on these things. If true, however, how unfair is it that someone who fights the effects of gravity daily in a Herculean struggle to stand up (which sounds like it could be a Paula Abdul song) actually sit around judging how someone dances? That’d be like having me be the deciding vote at next year’s Pulitzer ceremony. [NYDN]

• Jessica Simpson is apparently training for the Coyboys’ Hell Week or something to get back at Tony Romo by being really thin. She’s going about this all wrong. The best way to get back at Tony Romo is to keep showing up at his football games. For the uneducated, Simpson had the unique skill of being able to make him throw the football in the exact opposite place it’s supposed to go (in some circles, this is referred to as “cooling” or “fucking up one’s mojo”). Seriously. Someone buy this woman season tickets. [Page Six]
• Cheech Marin got married! And the wedding cake was actually shaped and functioned as a gigantic gravity bong! Oh, just kidding, but you’d believe it, didn’t you? So would I. [People]
• Ha, was Joe Jonas dumped?!? Asks Page Six today in which case someone’s going to need a SWAT unit to protect them because a bunch of teenage girls are about to come at your face with the burning fury of a thousand suns and then some. [Page Six]
• Kelsey Grammar says his heart attack gave him a way to “re-tool” his life. What was so wrong with it in the first place? [Reuters]
• Some writer at E! has a conspiracy theory that Vanessa Hudgens’ nude shots were leaked recently to drum up publicity for her new film, to which I say: Vanessa who has a new film? Guess it didn’t work. Maybe make her jump through a burning hula-hoop or something. Or send us a press release. Or make her eat toast. [E!]
• More denial by Will and Jada Pinkett Smith about whether or not they’re Scientologists and whether or not they fired the principle of their new Scientology school. [Page Six]
• Former child actor Mark Lester says that he’s the father of Michael Jackson’s child Paris. He says he’s coming forward now out of concern for the welfare and well-being of the children, and that he wants to take the paternity test. The knee-jerk reaction to this kind of thing is now?! Actually, that’s more or less just the full-on reaction. And why can’t this guy “come out” in a more private space? Does everyone have to get a bullhorn and start screaming about how they “gave Michael my sperm so that he could have kids,” now? (Actual Quote). Anyway, his film career is basically him playing “Oliver” so don’t go looking too deeply through that IMDB page when you get around to it, nothing really interesting there unless you count the fact that the dude inseminated Michael Jackson’s baby mama and he was a child star, ahem. [NYDN]
• Cry-alert: Jerry Orbach’s widow says she talks to her deceased husband every day in what might be the most bittersweet Page Six item I’ve ever read. [Page Six]
• Simon Cowell’s ex-girlfriend Terri Seymour won’t get back with him, and isn’t saying why. Not because he’s an asshole, maybe? I don’t know, Cowell doesn’t seem like the worst dude in the world to me. I’d sincerely like there to be some kind of investigation into this. Maybe it has something to do with those gawdawful black shirts. Or maybe his pillow-talk? You just didn’t give enough, Terri. I’m afraid a second go at it is going to be a no. [Showbiz Spy]
• Gerard Butler likes dumb women, and I like Gerard Butler. Not necessarily because he likes dumb women, but because he has no reservations about saying so. Good on him; shamelessness is an underrated virtue. [Showbiz Spy]
• Chris Brown wants to drop a track with Leona Lewis. Insert obvious “Bleeding Love” joke here. [Showbiz Spy]
• Via E!, here’s video of Lady Gaga performing an all-piano version of Poker Face with an Elephant on her head. No indication about whether or not she’s hiding a weenus somewhere under there. Meanwhile, officials note she is still the most patently ridiculous person ever, and we should elect her the Mayor of Savantland.