Madonna Regrets Divorcing Normal Person

Madonna regrets breaking up with Guy Ritchie because she’s bored schtupping young men, Sienna Miller burned her breasts, and Joan Rivers is paranoid. Here’s your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup.

• Madonna regrets breaking up with Guy Ritchie, supposedly. Also, the novelty of dating her A-Rod proxy, Jesus Luz, has worn off, sources say, which is besides all of her Kabbalah friends being like, OY, A GOYIM NAMED JESUS?! Madge, babbeleh, step off it. Anyway, now that Madonna’s learning the whole Big Yellow Taxi Theory firsthand, maybe she will stop tearing down trees/divorcing husbands who are probably good for her in the long run and shtupping men who’re half her age. [Showbiz Spy]
• In what’s clearly a Richard Johnson-penned item, Joan Rivers, who’s now like 109, hired three security guards to watch over her penthouse apartment “to make sure that guests weren’t tempted to swipe any of her tchotchkes.” Oy. Paranoia reigns supreme, but then again, Rivers’ tchotchkes could probably be sold to the Natural Museum of History, so there’s that. [Page Six]
• Sienna Miller told Conan O’Brien that she burned her boobs on the set of G.I. Joe after an explosion went wrong and her bra caught fire. I’m sure this won’t encourage the young delinquient masses who’re G.I. Joe’s sad target audience at all. At. All. [NY Daily News]
• Fanboys, appreciate the sacrifice of Robert Downey Jr. He still hates getting in the Iron Man suit, and called it “torture.” Most other celebrities I’d be like, psh, whatever, they’re getting paid $US20M to walk around in an Iron Suit and we can’t even see their faces but it’s Robert Downey Jr. Former crackheads receive the benefit of the doubt in instances like this. [Showbiz Spy]
• Gerard Butler’s thought about having sex with Jennifer Aniston, and it’s like, really? This is an item? Also, dude, you’d be getting John Mayer’s Wonderland-esque Body’s Sloppy Seconds. And then you’ll think about John Mayer’s O-Face. And that’s about that. Also, is Butler not, like, everywhere lately? Please someone tell me how he likes his eggs because seriously, that’s got to be the next item on him. [Showbiz Spy]
• Robert Pattinson did something in private and People reported on it. [People]
• Ha. There was a wire profile of Lady Gaga and they didn’t mention the rumour about her supposed peener. [Reuters]
• Shannon Elizabeth and some dude she was dating from one of those dancing shows broke up and Tweeted it. It was amicable, which Twitter obviously wasn’t meant for. If you’re going to end a relationship on Twitter, you need to make it a holy mess, or else, there’s no point. Seriously. [People]