Jon Gosselin Needs Benjamin Spock Like Crackheads Need Crack

Kate Gosselin doesn’t trust her hubby. Robert Pattinson’s going to star in my new movie, playing me. Jay Leno pays tribute to the Jews. Julia Roberts and Eat, Prey, Love get grilled by the Hindus. Here is your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup.

• Oh, well this is a shit-show: Jon Gosselin — on leave from his Tour of Duty in the War on Good Taste — had the kids the other night because it was his turn for them to hate a parent to their face. That didn’t go well because Kate, who’s a little obsessive, came back to the house to make sure Jon wasn’t having the kids get babysat by one of the many in his cadre of “hussy bitches” as Kate likes to call them. Jon could’ve had Benjamin Spock watching the kids and she probably would’ve freaked her shit out. So they got into a fight. Jon locked her out of the house and she had to check into a hotel. Meanwhile, Jon’s hosting a pool party in Las Vegas soon and do you need any more reasons to despise this person? [NYDN]
• And then they made up, or something, says this photo from TMZ. [TMZ]
• Robert Pattinson comforted his co-star, Camilla Belle, after one of the Jonas Bro-ness broke up with her. Also, I finally just watched a trailer for the new Twilight movie yesterday, and did you know the entire thing is: vampire dumps regular chick to get eaten by another vampire, and then a better looking guy who turns into a werewolf eats the vampire? I’m serious. That’s it. The entire movie. This is the teenage Citizen Kane, supposedly. That’s what the movie’s gonna be. And people are freaking out over it? I could’ve written that book/movie/franchise with my arse. Seriously, how about this: Weekend gossip writer gets out of bed late, does a line of blow off of his washboard abs before going for coffee and typing away at his laptop. All of a sudden, he goes to the bathroom and while looking for a flat surface ends up finding a magical land of princesses, unicorns and dark magic. He decides to bring the coffee shop girl with him and together they have lots of adventures and do a bunch of blow and debate whether or not to turn into unicorns. NYT Bestseller List, hear that ringing? It’s me calling. [Showbiz Spy]
• Remember Antonio Sabato Jr? Was he on that one show with Lorenzo Lamas? Anyway, Rachel McAdams had a huge crush on him as a wee Rachel McAdams and she ran into him and told him! And Antonio Sabato Jr sent her flowers. That was fun. [Page Six]
• Paying tribute to the common knowledge that Jews run showbiz, Jerry Seinfeld will be the first guest on Jay Leno’s new show. This is the talk show equivalent of having a shaman come and smudge the set with sage. [NY Daily News]
• Ha, love this: The memoir, Eat, Pray, Love a.k.a. Diet, Self-Pity, Desperation is getting flack from the religions. The main character/memoir’s writer goes looking for herself in food and spirituality around the world, only to find out that (SPOILER ALERT) everything sucks in the end: you get fat, some dude/lady dumps you for someone prettier or younger and then you die. Anyway, the religious people are pissed about the book already and are concerned the movie version, starring Julia Roberts, is only going to make it worse. The Universal Society of Hinduism: “The people of India will be anxious to see how perfectly Roberts does her job of cleaning ashram floors as a part of her devotional duty, trying to recite 182- verse Sanskrit chant, and going through grueling hours of meditation, while being feasted on by mosquitoes.” I mean, we’re anxious to see anybody get feasted on by mosquitoes, but America’s Sweetheart? Holy shit, you’ve got a movie right there. Don’t softpaw this, Sony. At least get Clooney to play one of the little bloodsucking gnats. [Page Six]
• So, one of those Kardashian girls is extending the legacy of large arses by having a kid, and Kim spoiled the supposedly ratings-boosting suspense of who the Dad was. Isn’t the better question, who isn’t the dad of that child? Anyway, hopefully that baby will come out of its mother with a gigantic badonk because otherwise, if you’ve ever seen the Kardashians in action, you’d realise it’s at no great genetic advantage when it comes to smarts. [Page Six]
• TMZ has a theory/sources basically positing the idea that Michael Jackson is frozen somewhere, like my brain, right now, at this moment. [TMZ]