Teens Spontaneously Combust Over Zac And Vanessa’s Engagement

Two teenage celebrities might be getting married, and therefore: doing it. Robert Pattinson’s life is invaded by aliens. Paula wants back on Idol, and I want back in the womb. Madonna, Sinatra, Spears, Spacey. Presenting your Monday Morning Gossip Roundup:

• Oh, god. A billion teenage brains are going to spontaneously combust today. Apparently, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are going to get married. Their union will be officiated by the Minister of Happy somewhere around Tomorrowland and they’re going to ride off on a Monorail of Pleasure sometime after for their honeymoon, and teenagers all across the land will be miserably depressed. [Showbiz Spy]

• Amy Crackhouse wants to get back with Blake, the subject of all her songs, lawsuits, and various addictions. [Showbiz Spy]
• What’s Robert Pattinson’s life like living through right now? A bong? A strange prism where all perceptions of normal proportions are heinously warped? A bunch of fans accosted him dressed as aliens the other day. Seriously. Now I feel bad for him. [Showbiz Spy]
• Meanwhile, Pattinson’s co-star, Kristen Stewart, is about as famous as the penny: everyone knows who she is, and could care less. Sad. That’s what she gets for not being a vampire. [Showbiz Spy]
• Rexo preggers Nicole Richie and Ellen Pompeo are now homegirls! They need to think of a name for their duo; tragically, The Rexo Preggers Club didn’t make the first cut. [Page Six]
• Does Paula Abdul want back in on American Idol? Maybe! And I would like to go back into my sensory deprivation tank! Or the womb! [TMZ]
• Stellar! Kevin Spacey just wrapped on Casino Jack, the new Jack Abramoff biopic. Apparently, the movie portrays Bush and Abramoff as chummy, and makes a real arse out of Tom DeLay by portraying him as a cigar-chomping Tammany Hall type. This ought to be good. [NYDN]
• Big-dicked movie star Jaime Foxx may have impregnated more women than previously assumed! He will try to blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol and it will not work. [NYDN]
• Alyssa Milano, after dating a long linage of rock stars, movie stars, and baseball players, ended up getting married to an agent. Go figure. Remember when she was married to the lead singer of Remy Zero? Those were the days. [NYDN]
• New Gossip Girl character: Vanessa’ mum! Whee. [EW]
• Why is Mariah Carey cancelling events? Easy! Because Nick Cannon is broke. [People]
• TMZ thinks Britney Spears copped her weave from Dog The Bounty Hunter. I laughed. Heartily. [TMZ]
• Martin Scorsese hasn’t even started work on the new Sinatra movie, and Tina Sinatra is pissed at Marty’s potential portrayal of her dad. She wants the movie to be about the music, and Scorsese’s probably dreamed about making what should be the Goodfellas version of a musical biopic for years, now. Wonder who’s gonna win out on this one. [Page Six]
• “I feel your love!” screamed Madonna as a bunch of Polish fans sung her happy birthday. She’s 51! Jesus, Madge. 51, and you’re still kicking around with Jesus and feeling the love of various foreigners and wearing that ridiculous kabbalah bracelet around. Here’s my favourite bad Madonna video. Let’s celebrate together!!1!! [NY Daily News]