Some Quick Thoughts Regarding The 7pm Project

It’s early and cold and I need to go grab a jumper before I freeze to death, so I’ll make this as quick and painless as possible. Here are the brief notes I made between 7pm and 7:30pm during the very first episode of NotMasterChef on Channel 10.

- I realise Carrie Bickmore was a proper newsreader on the radio long before she hit the small screen, but it seems Rove has tarnished my ability to take her seriously. Every time she read a news headline, I found myself hanging to hear an inappropriate quip that some poor writer hired by Roving Enterprise had slaved over for hours.

- Within minutes of the show starting, the panel discussed the very important issue of glassing. For about thirty intense seconds. They are not “for” glassings, which is good to know.

- It is good to see James Mathison on the telly again, the adorable marble-mouthed buffoon.

- I liked the idea of making James Mathison watch and review a show that almost no one else in the country saw. While we were watching MasterChef, Mathison was forced to view the $200,000 interview with British backpacker Jamie Neale on 60 Minutes. He showed us the highlights, I laughed. Not sure his impersonation of Jamie will win many hearts amongst the lisp community, but whatever.

- Didn’t count ANY seeeeriouslys from Hughesy, but I only cottoned on halfway through the show that he appears to use the word “Hooooonestly” in its place these days. Only counted one of those, though. Good job toning it down a bit, Dave Hughes!

- When Julie from MasterChef was on, she mentioned there was a moment in the finale that, had she not grown as a person so much throughout the series, she might have “assumed the foetal position and started crying”. It’s inspiring to know that Julie is now able to cry on her feet like a real chef these days.

- When the panel asked her if she ever wanted to chastise the judges on their bad table manners, Julie quipped that she often wanted to shout at them “Stop complaining and EAT IT! I’ve cooked it for you!” This was the most unexpectedly funny moment in the show, for my money.

- Carrie piped up that she started crying during the MasterChef finale during a particular moment – then showed footage of a teary (quelle surprise!) Julie telling the judges how she wants patrons to feel after they’ve eaten at her restaurant – “I want them to feel they’ve been… loved.” If Carrie can lose it based on that soppy sentence, she must positively shit herself during Beaches.

- I thought Ruby Rose’s interview with Sienna Miller and That Other Woman was incredibly brief. Like, I realise we can go to the website to watch the whole thing, but sometimes people like me are lazy and don’t want to go on the internet to watch television! What’s the point of interviewing big stars if we’re only going to get forty rushed seconds of it on the small screen?

- Well, it may not have been forty seconds, but you get my point.

- Which brings me to my main concern. I realise they need the show to be punchy, but the pacing struck me as all wrong. Too fast! It’s 7pm, a timeslot most Australians are used to being spoonfed information v.e.r.y s.l.o.w.l.y.

An example – here’s a typical day on The Biggest Loser.

Ajay: Contestant 1, you must pick a member of the other team to join… your team. Choose carefully, this will change the way the game is played FOREVER.
Contestant 1: I couldn’t believe it when Ajay told me I had to choose a member of the other team to join our team. Just… disbelief, you know?
Shannon the Trainer: I could tell that Contestant 1 seemed a bit shaken. Ajay had told him he had to pick a member of the other team to join his team. Something something Burgen.
Contestant 2: I took one look at Shannon’s face and knew that whatever Contestant 1 had told him had changed the way the game is played FOREVER. When I found out Ajay had told Contestant 1 to pick a member of the other team to join our team, I just couldn’t believe it.
Contestant 1: I could see that Contestant 2 was shocked when Shannon told her Ajay had told me I had to pick a member of the other team to join our team. It really hammered it home for me that the way we play the game has changed FOREVER.

You get my point. I realise it’s a news program and it is still finding its feet, but slowing it down just a wee bit would do the show the world of good.

- I find Ruby Rose quite alright on the telly, friendly and comfortable and unafraid to take the piss out of herself, but clearly that is due to some sort of witchcraft that only affects certain members of the population. While viewers with ovaries find themselves with a sudden desire to campaign for gay marriage rights, dudes named Rob says stuff like “The placement of Ruby Rose – although she is a lovely gal – is a total mistake, either she was totally nervous, or seriously cannot perform well on TV… if her performance is anything to go by – this would signal the end of her TV hosting career.” Really, Rob? REALLY? DID WE WATCH THE SAME THING? HAS SHE PUT A SPELL ON ME?

I’ve got to be honest, it didn’t really do very much for me. BUT! That said, it’s the very first episode of a live panel show, and it’s going to take them a while to find their feet. The concept certainly has potential, and I really do want them to pull it off, if only for the sake of my own entertainment. If they bring interesting guests on the show, slow the whole thing down a notch, and maybe give the kids from Working Dog a call to grab some top tips, it may end up okay. Or maybe in three weeks we’ll all be watching The Simpsons. Time will tell!