If Man Is Five, Then The Devil Is Six, And Michael Jackson Is Seven

MSNBC’s Contessa Brewer devoted a segment this morning to divining the numerological mystery that was—is?—Michael Jackson. His first and last names each have seven letters, for instance. And behold, people—”seven is, like, the number of G-d.”

Other seven-ish things about Michael Jackson: He was born in 1958, and 19+58=77. He died on June 25, and 2+5=7. There are the makings of a Jim Carrey movie in this.

Brewer is on the right track, but she’s missing the big picture: Michael Jackson ain’t Seven. He’s Six. New Wineskins, a blog devoted to guiding us through the End Times, has pegged Michael Jackson as the latter-day incarnation of the Golden Calf, because we all worshiped him yesterday on the exact 3,322nd anniversary of the creation of the actual Golden Calf from the Bible:

Tammuz 16 [July 8th] was the 40th day following the Giving of the Torah at Mount Sinai, and the people of Israel wrongly expected Moses’ return from the mountain (he would actually return on the following day). When their leader failed to return, they demanded from Aaron: “Make us a god that shall go before us”. Hur (Moses’ nephew, the son of Miriam and Caleb) tried to stop them and was killed by the mob. Aaron fashioned a calf of molten gold.

MJ’s golden-coffin funeral, idolised by (perhaps) billions. The service began (in LA) just after sundown Israeli time. In other words: Tammuz 16, aka July 8th.

Oh yeah—did we mention that Michael Jackson’s coffin was made of gold!? According to Wikipedia, here’s what happened with the real Golden Calf, which some Jewish people started worshiping after Moses brought down the Ten Commandments from Mt. Sinai and then disappeared for a while, back in the Bible-times:

Moses burnt the golden calf in a fire, ground it to powder, scattered it on water, and forced the Israelites to drink it…. Moses then gathered the sons of Levi and set them to slaying a large number of men (3000). A plague struck the Israelites.

So be prepared for whoever the modern-day Moses is—we’re thinking Larry King, maybe?—to force a vile slurry of Michael Jackson’s cremated remains down your throat and then kill 3,000 Armenians, or something. And then we’ll all get swine flu.

If you think prophesies and numerology and such are the lunatic fantasies of marginalised and lonely people, you’re not listening to the mainstream media enough. Take this CNN report, from the day of Michael Jackson’s death:

A Prophetess by the name of Terri Smith-Little prophecy that she did not think that Michael Jackson would live long. This prophecy was recorded I still have the cassette. Over the years I have always thought about the prophecy, June 25,2009 this prophecy comes to pass.

That’s from CNN correspondent “bgilbreath” on the network’s iReport site, which is reserved for breaking news. OK, ok. It’s a nutjob that CNN decided, in the name of user-generated-social-networking hysteria and desperation, to provide a platform for. But in the realm of actual news media, USA Today actually entertains the question of whether Michael Jackson is a contemporary incarnation of the Golden Calf. They don’t really know for sure. We’ll all find out soon enough.