Flotsam & Jetsam

Britney Spears: Almost A Jew

By the cajun boy on July 10, 2009 at 10:07 PM

Britney is converting to Judaism, Gwyneth is brainwashing her GOOP death cult into thinking that a cleansed colon is the way to God, Jeremy Piven preaches the horrors of fish and Katy Perry frolics in a bikini in Turkey.

  • Britney Spears is a woman who is dedicated to her man/agent. So dedicated that she’s converting to Judaism to show Jason Trawick how much she loves him. She’s been wearing a star of David around her neck and has enlisted a rabbi to tour with her to teach her the religion. As a Cajun/Louisianian, I’d like to offer a trade to the Jews. You guys take Britney off our hands, and we’ll take Natalie Portman. Sound good? Sweet. Have fun with her. [UK SUN]

  • Gwyneth Paltrow, faux-lifestyle expert, physician, chef, dietician and Jim Jones in training, sent out a message to her GOOP death cult raving about some detox clease she did where she didn’t eat anything for three weeks. In other news, Chris Martin probably isn’t an arse man like Barack Obama. [Daily News]
  • Jerry Seinfeld, apparently not content with the billion or so dollars he’s banked from Seinfeld, is doing wacky commercials for some bank here in Australia. [Page Six]
  • Jeremy Piven says he hasn’t eaten a piece of fish in 9 months since his horrible mercury poison thing. Now he’s all into yoga and is all about achieving “balance.” Whatever. Still a tool. [Gatecrasher]
  • Katie Lee Joel isn’t wasting any time since dumping sad old man Billy Joel for some swarthy lothario—Now she’s opened up a burger spot in West Village near her townhouse called “Burger County.” [Page Six]
  • Jamie Foxx just can’t contain his unrelenting cheesedickery. The other night he was at a party at Tao in Vegas when he took over the mic from the DJ and starting taunting Rihanna, who was dining with Jay-Z, to the point where she got up and left. [Page Six]
  • 19 year-old Harry Potter star Emma Watson bought a $US3,000,000 London home for her and her boyfriend, some 26 year-old “financier” named Jay. [Mirror]
  • Katy Perry is running around Turkey in a bikini with some mystery guy just putting his hands all over her and we have to admit, we’re kind of jealous. She looks damn good! [Daily Mail]
Tagged:

Comments (AU Comments | US Comments)

  • naugahydeinplainsight
    July 11, 2009 at 12:05 AM
    @resipsaloquacious:First single: Chutzpah, I Yid It Again!
  • resipsaloquacious
    July 10, 2009 at 11:48 PM
    Her next album: "Tart of the Covenant".
  • Aaron Altman
    July 10, 2009 at 11:36 PM
    Just how long are we gonna let his Oscar-winning performance in Ray go to Jamie Foxx's head? This is a serious question.
  • MisterSun
    July 10, 2009 at 11:33 PM
    I wonder what Moses would have to say about Brit being a slave for you.
  • ritualtheory
    July 10, 2009 at 11:33 PM
    Seriously. Louisianans already have Tony Kushner. And we're all sharing Shia LaBoeuf, for better or worse.@BookishLookish:
  • hilikusopus
    July 10, 2009 at 11:31 PM
    @The One: Lechaim.
  • hilikusopus
    July 10, 2009 at 11:29 PM
    @DennyCrane: Word.
  • BookishLookish
    July 10, 2009 at 11:22 PM
    Cajun, we don't want Brit. And it's not like you don't have some Jewish down there in Louisiana already. We want Charmaine Neville or someone with some real talent.
  • Gawkchalk
    July 10, 2009 at 11:21 PM
    All is well in the Britney camp until she can't have a Bacon Cheeseburger.
  • DahlELama
    July 10, 2009 at 11:20 PM
    @The One: I'm hoping she'll give up this whole thing when she finds out cheetos aren't kosher. Also pork rinds.

    DahlELama

  • DennyCrane
    July 10, 2009 at 11:15 PM
    You can't have Natalie. But we'll give you back Madonna?
  • elinorwhyme
    July 10, 2009 at 11:15 PM
    @The One: Borei p'ri traife.

    elinorwhyme

  • Talibabe
    July 10, 2009 at 11:13 PM
    Yeah, I don't think we'll be taking you up on that, buddy.

    Talibabe

  • rudi_freude
    July 10, 2009 at 10:40 PM
    Don't Jewish your girlfriend was hot like Brit?

    rudi_freude

  • The One
    July 10, 2009 at 10:36 PM
    @Nice Beaver: But what's the prayer to say over cheetos and Yoohoo?

    The One

  • ✪TheMac
    July 10, 2009 at 10:34 PM
    And now she can really get to know her fella – Hogwarts and all. Yesterday my boss was scheduled to read HP-POA at a school, and called me on the car ride over to ask about "warthogs" in "that movie that's on its 5th installment." As soon as I guessed HP (Hogwarts, was of course what she meant), I fell into a fit of hysterics assuming she had premiere tickets (we get stuff like that sometimes). Turned out, she had me on speakerphone and just wanted to make of me to everyone else in the car. For realz.
  • MsMuffinMcGuffin
    July 10, 2009 at 10:34 PM
    I was much happier about Sammy Davis Jr.
  • Sandy Magic Jackson
    July 10, 2009 at 10:31 PM
    Somebody's told her about the pork thing, right? Also, beef jerky—Kosher?
  • uncivily obedient
    July 10, 2009 at 10:30 PM
    I hope that the rabbi traveling on Britney's tour is also doubling as one of her back up dancers. Jews can dance.

    uncivily obedient

  • Nice Beaver
    July 10, 2009 at 10:28 PM
    Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha'olam Borei peri ha-gafen, Y'all! Woot woot!
  • Arsenio Billingham
    July 10, 2009 at 10:24 PM
    So Britney wants to be a Jewish mother? But don't you actually have to care about your kids to be overbearing and nagging?

    Arsenio Billingham

  • Foster Kamer
    July 11, 2009 at 4:56 AM
    DO NOT WANT.
  • spotted-dog
    July 11, 2009 at 1:52 AM
    note to brit brit: the tefellin straps are not, under any circumstances, to be used as s&m wear.

    spotted-dog

  • BadUncle
    July 11, 2009 at 1:51 AM
    Gwynneth is onto something. When garden snails are rounded up from escargot ranches for processing, they're starved for three days before slaughter as a cleansing process. I'm sure a single escargot day is equal to a Paltrow week. And so, in the end, Gwyneth will probably taste delicious in butter and garlic.
  • t0ph
    July 11, 2009 at 1:30 AM
    Sooo...I wonder is Mel Gibson is going to invite Brit to Costa Rica for Easter this year?
  • Greasy Thumb Guzik
    July 11, 2009 at 1:10 AM
    @Sandy Magic Jackson: I used to buy kosher beef jerky at Best Kosher in Chicago all the time. Regular or teryaki flavor. But Best is no more!

    Greasy Thumb Guzik

  • NigelAstydameia
    July 11, 2009 at 1:00 AM

    Gwyneth's detox cleanse is just an attempt to make people stop asking, "What's up her ass?"

    NigelAstydameia

  • The One
    July 11, 2009 at 12:56 AM
    @elinorwhyme: It was well deserved! Made me giggle.

    The One

  • elinorwhyme
    July 11, 2009 at 12:52 AM
    @The One: Out of the ghostly gray... Thanks.

    elinorwhyme

  • resipsaloquacious
    July 11, 2009 at 12:39 AM
    @naugahydeinplainsight: /golf clap.
  • The One
    July 11, 2009 at 12:38 AM
    @DennyCrane: Actually, we (thankfully) never had Madonna.

    The One

  • The One
    July 11, 2009 at 12:38 AM
    @elinorwhyme: Excellent! That totally deserved a promote!

    The One

  • naugahydeinplainsight
    July 11, 2009 at 12:34 AM
    @resipsaloquacious: Spritz Me Bubbe, One More . . . L'Chiam!
  • resipsaloquacious
    July 11, 2009 at 12:16 AM
    @naugahydeinplainsight: The second single: I am not a goy, not yet a Jew.
  • MissCast
    July 11, 2009 at 9:41 AM
    She got interested in Judaism when her boyfriend took her to a family wedding and she thought they were all singing, Have-a Tequila...

    MissCast

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