Brangelina Will Have To Pry My Gray’s Papaya From My Dead Hands
Brad and Angelina want to move to the Upper West Side; I’d prefer they didn’t. Shirley Jones wants to get naked; same. Piven’s a perv, Shatner’s sad, Paul McCartney sucks, Stevie Wonder does blow! Here’s your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:
- Today’s big Rush & Malloy scoop: Brad and Angelina are looking to get a pad in the Upper West Side. I know what you’re thinking: we’ve been through this before, and we did not like the results. The sacrificial real estate envy of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick cost so much emotionally to only have some computer nerd show up in their place. But Rush and Malloy are careful not to get your hopes up: the agent for the building is having problems selling the units, and they need to do so in order for the owner’s offering plan to operate for another year. Anyway, I kind of don’t want them here. Not that I’d prefer one celebrity over another, but at a certain point in New York, paparazzi nonsense begins to get in your way. Like, I’m sorry, but I don’t want Brad and Angie Plus Three Imported Children And A Few Others Plus A Cabal Of Photogs pushing their way through Zabars while I try to get a bagel and not trip over the old bubbies who go there. Like, when you’re in your neighbourhood in New York, that kind of insane bullshit’s the last thing you need. You’re already paranoid and skittish and hungry enough as is. Also, can you imagine waiting in line at Gray’s Papaya behind them? There are only two kinds of hot dogs, but seven kinds of juice, and you know they’d just take FOREVER to decide that they all want Coke and Angelina would make them drink Papaya juice and they’d all be crying and you’d just be like, for fuck’s sake, I came to get a hot dog and now this? And then some vaguely European paparazzo would take a picture of you shoving a hotdog in your face and it would ruin Gray’s Papaya for you. Just, like, ruin it. [Rush and Malloy]
- What? Partridge Family star Shirley Jones somehow made today’s roundup. What did it take? The promise of nudity, of course. Jones was going to do a playboy spread until Hef saw the test shoot results and wanted to see more skin. So, Playboy subscribers, it’s nice to know that the Hef is using your magazine as his own octogenarian porn vehicle, right? Okay, so, Jones is only 75. But still: Calendar Girls, ahoy. [Page Six]
- Paul McCartney couldn’t reunite the Beatles, even with blow and Stevie Wonder. Paul McCartney came close to reuniting the Beatles on a coked-out night with Wonder and John Lennon. Now, take a deep breath, and one wild, insane guess as to why it didn’t happen. Okay. Done guessing? If your answer doesn’t rhyme with Foko Bono, it’s wrong. What, you thought there was a problem with George Harrison or something? Honestly, the Walrus might’ve been Paul, but the blackbird of death was Yoko. [R & M]
- Also, Robert Plant is awesome and is being knighted for being awesome. [E!]
- Jeremy Piven was skeezing on Hayden Panettiere at the Entourage premiere on Thursday night. Away, old man. Seriously. Also, like every other Entourage-related item that’s appeared anywhere, Jerry Ferrara (Turtle) was seen “cuddling” or something with Jamie Lynn-Sigler. If you don’t watch the show, well, they’re together on the show and in real life. And it is ridiculous-cute and gives hope to rotund, hat-wearing underachievers with bad nicknames that stick forever everywhere that one day they, too, may date Meadow Soprano. [Page Six]
- William Shatner couldn’t get in on the Star Trek franchise revival feature, but he is wanted for the TJ Hooker version of this. Go figure, Ah, to be the Shat. [Page Six]
- Ah, yes: the lame sequel to yesterday’s item about Jennifer Aniston shooting at the Daily News. You get to hear about how exciting and not contrived it was to work in a “real newsroom” and be issued “fake Daily News ID cards” and how Jennifer Aniston snacked on string cheese. Seriously. Way to bring the hurt, Daily News. Gossip fail. [Daily News]
- Brody Jenner’s girlfriend, some Jayde Nicole person who’s name or existence I don’t understand, was trying to convince someone, somewhere that The Hills is real. This is like that time someone tried to convince you that visits to the proctologist are a blast, and you were like, no, but, you know, maybe? And then you were like, WTF, NO. [E!]
- Debbie Rowe is going to the custody hearing of Michael Jackson’s children, and this somehow constitutes a People item. Then again, it’s People. And here I am, linking to them. Is there an over-under on how long this thing’s going to dominate the gossip newscycle? There’s got to be a lottery somewhere. I’m going to take two years, to be replaced by the revelation that Ron Burkle is actually a Clinton stepbrother. Longshot, I know, but I think it’d do the trick. Who’s got $US10 to throw down? Oh, and also, Michael Jackson didn’t want his Dad to come even remotely close to his children. God, wonder why. [People and Celebrity Spy]
- Ryan Reynolds has been cast as the Green Lantern, and I haven’t. Reminder: he’s also married to Scarlett Johannsen and used to be with Alanis Morisette. How good is your life? [D-Listed]
angelina jolie
brad pitt
brangelina
debbie rowe
gossip roundup
hugh hefner
jennifer aniston
jeremy piven
john lennon
michael jackson
paul mccartney
robert plant
ryan reynolds
shirley jones
william shatner
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Comments (AU Comments | US Comments)
@BxgrlJeri: She felt left out.
Sorry, but I can't stand it: "whose", not "who's".
@BxgrlJeri: is handh still open after their recent tax troubles closed them?
@katekate is squared: Or these:
@VoxPopuli: True I never get a bagel at Zabar's. Always H&H and I don't think they're overrated but sometimes they're not worth the homeless guy that holds the door for you and wants to be paid for that.
@NinaHagen: Goddamn right, they do. ALSO, GODDAMNIT, HAGEN. I wanted to keep you around because you're funny but you've riffed on my despoitic nature way too much for me to care, anymore. Bring something else to the table, I'll be looking for you. In the meantime, NinaHagen is no more.
@Foster Kamer: Well Katz's is on the Lower East Side. Brooklyn is closer to that than the UWS. So pretty close! (No?)
@Phyllis Nefler: I love the UWS. I moved to New York trying to live through this Nora Ephron-like fantasy where people actually went to Katz's and faked orgasms. That was four years ago. How close do you think I got?
The UWS is lousy with celebs and "celebs" already, so I don't think it'll matter. They live around Central Park West, away from the riff-raff (us) and send "the help" out for the Pampers. Angie and Brad might make a few photo-ops trips to Gray's and there might be the odd sighting here and there, but don't expect to see them holding up the line at the local Starbucks every day.
Also, skip Zabar's bagels and go next door to H&H. Yeah, they're overrated, but often the bagels are still warm from the oven and that is just heaven.
Even though the Apthorp is going under condo conversion (rather than a coop), with a ppsf like $1,500, you can guarantee they require some sort of board approval over purchasers. And if they do, you can pretty much assure that no one on that board will be approving a paparazzi magnet like Pitt-Jolie.
I reckon the item is an agent plant. They've been having trouble selling those units for a year and this rumor is a last ditch attempt for raising the profile.
@Xylo: why is Shiloh dressed like a refugee?
"playboy spread"
Okay, this made me laugh...HARD...and then I remembered we were talking about Shirley Jones and I shrieked, "Don't do it, girl!"
@Dickdogfood: I've heard most of those sessions, they're awful. Well maybe someone wants to hear Lennon complaining. Did he know the lyrics to any of those songs?
The UWS used to be a relatively quiet and staid NYC neighborhood. Now we're lousy with Law and Order shoots, big red tourist buses and assorted celebrity riff raff.
Our quota has been reached. Sorry Brad and Angie.
I hear the UES is looking for a new kind of crazy since Bernie was carted off to the big house. Try over there. You'll love it. Trust me on this.
The quasi-Beatles reunion is actually very old news. The recording sessions were bootlegged in '92 as A Toot and a Snore in '74. Of course, you can hear it on YouTube--but unless you're an even bigger Beatles fan than I am, you really wouldn't want to.
@NinaHagen: all aboard!
Fishnets and Cigarettes
Since when do you live on the Upper West Side, Brooklyn boy?
NinaHagen
yes, there is an over/under on the MJ stuff. It will last until Patrick Swayze and/or Steve jobs dies, and the tox report is in on Jacko. Then we have to go back to hearing about Anna Nicole Smith.
Fishnets and Cigarettes
@Xylo: I bet no one can come up with a picture of any of the kids eating an apple or a piece of fruit.
As I said below, their pantry is perfect for a wake and bake kind of crew.
momof3wildkids
I don't beleive a CBE is a knighthood. That's an OBE. He's no Sir.
Fishnets and Cigarettes
"you know they'd just take FOREVER to decide that they all want Coke and Angelina would make them drink Papaya juice"
Nah, she apparently lets them scarf down junk food:
Xylo
I wouldn't worry about ruining Gray's Papaya. I think those kids and Angie will go right for the Coke. Have you ever seen those children eat anything remotely healthy?
That household's pantry must be perfect for a pot head. Wake and bake!
momof3wildkids
@the supergoddess: Come on, you know they use those shi-shi cloth diapers.
katekate is squared
@Senor_Macho_Solo: Really, when did Alanis Morisette become impressive? I mean she's Canadian.
"Reminder: he's also married to Scarlett Johannsen and used to be with Alanis Morisette. How good is your life?"
Has its ups and downs?
Senor_Macho_Solo
Lunch with Shirley Jones, William Shatner and Cindy Adams sounds like fun, even if you'd have to cut their meat for them.
Oh God, can you imagine trying to survive a trip to Duane Reade only to find Brad & Angie in there picking up Pampers? I'm getting the sweats just thinking about it.
@Xylo: I can't decide if Cheetos or Crocs are worst offense here. I think I pick Crocs.
sparklylegwarmers
@BxgrlJeri: They could always try the upper UWS, in Washington Heights. Big-ass apartments, relatively low rents, and hey, you can still see the Hudson unobstructed from some buildings!
@Foster Kamer: sauerkraut
@BxgrlJeri: Ida know...I've had some pretty good orgasms on the UWS...
ShanghaiLil
@Foster Kamer: Hisssssss.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's Illinois food Nazis. Christ, give it a rest, momo. Let kids be fucking kids.@momof3wildkids:
@1.1.1.: You can get it with the red onion bbq sauce, or with sourkraut. They ask you: "onions or 'kraut?"
@MissNormaDesmond: No, totally fair! Thank you!
@jasonelias: However, the more recently surfaced tape of Lennon jamming on slide dobro with Phil Ochs is fun to listen to.
I don't see why Paul is made the heavy here, he passed along a message from Yoko that she wanted to see John, that sounds like the thing for a friend to do.
@Foster Kamer: @Phyllis Nefler: @BxgrlJeri:
Since when does Gray's have two kinds of hot dogs?
http://www.menutopia.com/GetMenu.m?vendorId=11894
1.1.1.
@BxgrlJeri: Mmm. Mr. Softee.
@Phyllis Nefler: LES and Brooklyn much better for orgasm than UWS. Have you seen the mothers in Riverside Park? It's the location for the daily meeting of the "I have a stick up my arse" club. They wouldn't know orgasm if it ran up and smacked them with a Mr. Softee sundae.
@Foster Kamer: To an orgasm?
@Senor_Macho_Solo: Look to your left and then to your right. At some point any Joe Schlub could do that and see Scarlett Johannsen. Step out of the movie theatre and slowly put your popcorn on the ground.
Iwillnotauditionforastar
@BookishLookish: I love you!
Iwillnotauditionforastar
@katekate is squared: *Huddles in the corner with the visual of used cloth diapers in the pamper for a week*
Iwillnotauditionforastar
@Senor_Macho_Solo: Continuing on your writing style:
Precious rubs the lotion it does.
Iwillnotauditionforastar
@momof3wildkids: Deja vu
Iwillnotauditionforastar
@Phyllis Nefler: oh snaps!!!! *Runs for the LES!!!*
Iwillnotauditionforastar
@BxgrlJeri: A little history is in order. UWS is the home of the soaps so the drama belongs there. Yorktown & Rupertstown Brewery means UES is the home of drunken heroes. The way it always was is the way it always will be!
Iwillnotauditionforastar