This Is Pretty Much The Worst Song Ever Written

Occasionally the ARIA singles chart is so appalling, it makes you wonder how on earth certain songs were ever released. But what you should really be feeling is totally grateful, because no matter how heinous certain pop songs are, remember that there are a gazillion (exact figure) tunes which were penned but – thankfully – never released. Like the following tune…

A sweet little ditty which helps explains to little ‘uns precisely what mummy and daddy get up to in the boudoir. It’s called Making Love, and it is simultaneously the most revolting/amazing song ever recorded.

Here are the lyrics:

Kiss me goodnight
Go say your prayers
I’ll get the lights
Don’t be scared
Just climb into bed
Those bedbugs won’t bite
And don’t get upset at the noises at night

Sometimes Daddy asks questions
Sometimes Mommy says yes
Sometimes Mommy yells louder
Sometimes Daddy forgets
Sometimes we jump on the bed
That’s why you hear it squeak
That’s why the headboard rattles
That’s why it keeps the beat
Sometimes we jump so high
We hit our heads on the ceiling
That’s when you hear us scream
Cos sometimes we like that feeling
But don’t you dance on the mattress til you’re old enough
One day you’ll understand this
It’s called Making Love

There’s more words for that
There’s a roll in the hay
There’s a cat in the hat
There’s come out and play
There’s banging the door
There’s turning the screw
There’s four on the floor
There’s taming the shrew

Sometimes Daddy asks questions
Sometimes Mommy says yes
Sometimes Mommy yells louder
Sometimes Daddy forgets
Sometimes we jump on the bed
That’s why you hear it squeak
That’s why the headboard rattles
That’s why it keeps the beat
Sometimes we jump so high
We hit our heads on the ceiling
That’s when you hear us scream
Cos sometimes we like that feeling
But don’t you dance on the mattress til you’re old enough
One day you’ll understand this
It’s called Making Love

I’m glad we had this talk
But there’s more that you’ll discover
When you’re old enough to walk
Go ask your mother

One day you’ll need to know it
Till then I hope you buy it
When Daddy’s not at home
It may seem way too quiet
Then you’ll hear something buzzing
But you won’t know for sure
There’s no need for fussin’
No one needs a cure
It’s just Mommy missing Daddy
Most times that doesn’t faze her
But when she misses me badly
She sounds like my electric razor

Well sometimes we want to feel closer
But closer’s never enough
Just a poor substitution for
Making Love

The chorus is far too catchy for its own good – I spent most of yesterday singing “Sometimes Daddy asks questions/sometimes Mommy says yes”. So in that sense, it’s a win for songwriting. But as far as explaining the birds and the bees to children? I think the only way you could traumatise a small child further would be by sitting them down and promising them a marathon viewing session of The Wiggles… only to instead press play on a home made porn video starring their parents and assorted monstrously sized vibrating sex toys.

You need to hear ‘Making Love’ for yourself over at this blog. It is the worst thing to ever happen to music, and the best.

Mind-Melting Demo Disasters – Making Love