The Hills: The Death And Birth Of Lauren Conrad
Well that, I guess, is it. The last we’ll see of old Lauren “LC” Conrad on The Hills, the reality dynasty that she helped build with her own two well-groomed hands. How did it all go down? Well, like any good comedy, it ended with a wedding.
Yes, Heidi and Fleshbeard finally, for realsies, tied the knot. But first there was much sloshing and murmuring and yelling to be done. Because that’s what this show has become (and maybe always was): stretched and tired looking blonde people yelling in echoing rooms, their lives piles of gum and sawdust, fine bits of gems, like glittery mist, strewn across the top. Has an American family lurched toward ruination with as much ferocious celerity as the Montag clan, now that they’re all on camera, all saying wretched things at the same time? What the ma’s and pa’s of Crested Butte, CO must think of these once-normalish folks. Went to Hollywood and got all fancy and ugly. Went to Hollywood and got all sad.
It all began with Heidi talking to Fleshbeard’s terrible sister Handbags, her hair sticking up in odd places. She’s like Salacious Crumb, old Handbags is, and I wish someone would come and zap her so she’ll stop gnawing on our eyes. But no one has, yet. Though, when Handbags balefully asked Heidi who her bridesmaid would be, her face fell a bit, and maybe she did kinda get zapped, right in the feelings, when she heard the answer. It would not be Handbags, instead it would be Holly. Because, as Heidi put it, “You know… Holly’s been my sister my whole life.” Oh really? She’s been your sister for your entire life? That’s fucking amazing. My sister and I have been siblings for about, what is it Nel, six months? A year, tops. It’s great, but I wish it could have been this way my whole life. Oh well. Heidi’s so lucky. Heidi also wants a swan wedding full of actual swans and “dripping with diamonds.” Handbags said “That sounds really nice.” Yes, it does. If you’re getting married inside of a Russian debutante’s jewelry box.
For his part, Fleshbeard continued on his Good Will tour. He had lunch with Brody, who outright laughed in Fleshbeard’s fleshy, bearded face. He thinks his turnaround is all fake. Which it probably is. But Spencer pressed on, arranging a little date with Belinda, Heidi’s terrible mother, who has really settled with eerie ease into her new role in front of the cameras. She’s learned terms like “hitting your mark” and “call time” and now she feels ready to get some real meaty roles in the future. Like Doting mum of Pregnant Heidi or Consoling mum of Divorcing Heidi. Or best yet, because it’s such a juicy part, Grieving mum of Dead Heidi. So she and Fleshbeard made a rickety peace with one another, their LED hearts flashing on and off, on and off, on and off forever. All was ready for the big day, they just needed to get one final dress rehearsal in. And what do you do after the rehearsal? Why, you go to the rehearsal dinner.
There they all were—Holly and mummy and Heidi and Fleshy and Handbags and Sky, the Brother Montag who is fresh-faced and seemed nice, what a shame that he’ll probably soon be ruined as well—at some white restaurant for white people, and then Holly exploded. Holly caught herself up in some netting or she found a nick in the fabric of space time and began scratching at it like a scab or suddenly the magic of the Four Winds all struck her at the same time and she became sort of broken god. Whatever happened, she was slurry and drunk-seeming and decided to throw a potato at her poor brother Sky but instead she hit Heidi’s brand new handbag and stained and ruined it forever. So there was much shrieking and hooting and braying and whining and Holly burst into tears while her mother Belinda comforted her and looked at the camera and tried to cheat out and she embraced this creature who had once come out of her body and was now basically a tall, weeping near-empty ATM machine. At the table Handbags shook her head, because she’d wanted to be maid of honour, because she hadn’t been late to the thrown-together bridal shower that involved huge expensive champagne bottles and the soul-wrecking claim made by Heidi that she wanted four boys and no girls because she always wanted to be the “queen of the throne” and didn’t want some little girl threatening her primacy. (Belinda just looked at her strangely, hungry suddenly with a curling familiarity. I know that feeling, she thought bitterly. I am that feeling.) But regardless of poor performance, Holly will always be MOH. Sorry, Handsy.
Anyway. There’s always shrieking and crying at rehearsal dinners, right? There’s always potato throwing. And someone named Holly always accidentally summons the Handbag Stain demon and someone named Sky always sneaks out behind the restaurant and lights a cigarette and cries a little. That’s just wedding tradition, I’m pretty sure, so it’s nothing to worry about.
Then the wedding day came. All of our friends were there, from Jayde Scorpion to Justin Bobby, in their stupid mini dresses, doing their stupid preening walks, on the grandest set ever built for The Hills. This was the big wham-bang close of Act V when we find out who the killer is and maybe the young ingenues fall in love. Or get married. Or whatever. Everyone was wondering what happened to Lauren. Would she show up? No one knew.
Meanwhile Lauren had been lost and confused in that giddy sort of way. That feeling of pull and tide, that the world is expanding and yawning and your feet are itchy to explore it. Basically, it’s just time to move on. Unsure what to do, she talked to her mentor Kelly Cutrone. Kelly didn’t have much to say to her, other than that maybe she should just be a jellyfish for a while, float aimlessly, see what sticks. Good advice for people who have the money to be jellyfish. The rest of us have to be sharks, never stopping lest we disappear forever into the murky depths.
She and Lo were moving out of their Beverly Hills manse, and so they had one last cookout party, where everyone was sentimental and said sweet things, and Handbags made up with Brody, and Handbags urged Lauren to come to the wedding, and Handbags felt as though some great weight was both lifting and settling. Would this be the end of her run on the show? What else is there for the unwed spinster sister of reality’s royal couple to do? But Lauren just smiled at her and seemed sad and complete. The world is ending, and isn’t it wonderful.
And, yes, of course Lauren showed up to the wedding and took a private audience with Heidi and they sniffled at each other and as long as Heidi was happy, that’s all that ever really mattered. Were her jewels and enormous pancake dress too much? Yes, of course. But also, who cares. And yes, of course, Kristin Cavallari showed up, wearing basically the same dress as Lauren. Everyone pretended to be surprised and MTV began the oh-so-subtle (not subtle at all) work of giving us visual cues that the guard was changing. Spencer and Heidi exchanged their sad little vows and then the wedding was over and everyone clapped and spilled outside where they threw flower petals and Heidi threw the bouquet and—oop!—Kristin Cavallari caught it and it was as if Adam DiVello looked up to the stars and said “No… there is another.”
And Lauren. Lauren off in the background, got into her black town car and disappeared into the afternoon. The last we saw of her, the last anyone saw of that old gal, was a Mona Lisa smile in the back of a car. Was she happy that she’d been her own Ben Braddock and saved herself at this wedding? Was she unsure of all that awaited her? Who knows.
I like to think that now she’ll disappear from the spotlight and begin living her own real life. Because, you know, there’s a whole lot in real life that can be swishy and swoony. There’s a whole lot to be discussed in bars and beauty salons, in walks on the beach, in cars speeding on highways. There’s a whole lot in looks, in expressions, in little huffs that no one notices, in blinks and smiles, in kisses and hellos. There’s a whole lot to do in this short spin, and I think it’s done better when it’s honest and off-camera. When it is, finally finally finally, the way it’s always supposed to have been:
Unscripted. Unplanned. Unfilmed. Unsold. Unwritten.
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Comments (AU Comments | US Comments)
@ryan the temp: Indeed, he is.
One time this show was on in the background of our apartment and my boyfriend had to forcibly stop me from stabbing myself in the eye with a pencil. Since then, I just stick to these recaps. Brilliant and pain free!
blonderedhead
@GoEliGo????: Kristen has always been my favorite as well. At least she seems like she has a personality and a sense of humor... unlike wet blanket LC.
And i must say. I LOVE Spencer. Does anyone else think that he is absolutely hilarious? He seems like he is secretly having the best time out of all of them.
--"that's the problem"--
Quiet_Wyatt
@Richard Lawson: Is that a book too?
@GoEliGo????: I of course mean Stephen.
@somethingsfishy: Actually, I'm pretty sure Kristen dated both Steven and Brody before Lauren.
I was always Team Kristen, so I'll probably get sucked into the show again, despite Mr. & Mrs. Douchey Fleshbeard.
@uncivily obedient: I found a little bit of peace in thinking that maybe Heidi and Spencer reached their limit and kicked MTV out of the reception.
ArmCandy
I'm not ashamed to admit that i liked the hills for LC -
It was kind of sweet to see her go from Laguna Beach to school in LA and creating some of the drama that sadly is the scene in LA-
But Kristin is pure trash and as someone above has coined the best phrase - "always sloppy seconds"-
Anyway LC good luck, find some real friends (give Stephen a call) and have some fun -
budy920
Geez I kinda actually felt for poor fleshbeard when Brody told him that he thought fleshbeard was indeed 'evil, un-caring, and completely fake?' What the heck?? It probably is true but is that the kinda stuff you need a friend to actually say out LOUD to you??
Richard the end of your recap was actually so touching it kinda gave me a little chill....thanks for all of the fun from The Hills this season!!
Rosemary Compagnone Bellerive
i squealed with glee when LC slipped out the back. now let's hope Lo leaves as well so i can extricate this GOOP from my life for GOOD!
Kristin's "bad girl" attitude really annoys me because why is she acting like such an upstaging badass when she's actually sloppy seconds, all the time? I get it's scripted but....still. annoying.
somethingsfishy
Wasn't it CLEVER the way that Heidi said, "You're next Kristin!" Get it? Cause that means Kristin's the next one to STAR in THE HILLS!!!
@allisonlynn0122: Hah I thought the same thing. She was obnoxious at the rehearsal dinner, but I would have been too if my sister were marrying Spencer Fucking Pratt.
I found this new incarnation of Spencer ("sincere serial killer Spencer") absolutely terrifying. His eyes are utterly devoid of feeling.
I was pretty sure that after their lunch-date, Brody would mysteriously go missing. The camera would show Spencer preparing for the wedding, dry-washing his hands, and muttering to himself "he'll never laugh at me again." True story.
OMG, that was so scripted. It's hard to imagine that someone would let their wedding be completely hijacked like that. That flower throwing scene looks like it took five hours to shoot.
uncivily obedient
@Pope John Peeps II: Or The Death and Life of Bobby Z.
Is anyone also creeped out by Spencer's friend Charlie who randomly started appearing this year. He may be the only other creature on the planet with the flesh-beard and it just frightens me that there's more than one of them out there. Like they might build a little army.
Ditto on the annoyance of the Kristen Cav story-line. She's the reason the second season of Laguna tanked(althought sadly it didn't die until after that horrible, horrible third season), so yes, by all means segueway her onto the Hills and crash that too.
NotABoyNamedMat
@Richard Lawson: oh I thought you were making a super clever reference to "the death and life of great american cities"? Or to "the death and life of sneaky fitch".
@Richard Lawson: i see... although belinda did seem to suit her really well, so i thought maybe i watched it wrong! a lovely recap - farewell lc's hills!
tigolbitties
@Pope John Peeps II: No, but it's a birth! A new glorious beginning!
Not to pedant all over your clever title Richard, but it's "The Death and LIFE"
@ArmCandy: It was a bizarre move, but I thought it was also kind of genius. There's no way I'd consider watching The Hills without Lauren if Spencer and Heidi continued to be so heinously unlikable. Drastically changing the dynamic is the only possible way to keep things interesting.
What an bizarre move to introduce odd character traits during the season finale, MTV. Holly and Darlene are trashy, Spencer is reasonable, and Lauren didn't tell her roommate that she was going to the wedding? Um, OK. And don't even get me started on the Kristin Cavallari storyline (yes, storyline).
And yet here I am, moved from Richard's sign off and well wishes to Lauren Conrad. Well done.
ArmCandy
I actually thought last night's episode was fantastic, as far as episodes of The Hills go. Creating a scenario in which Spencer was reasonable and correct was an inspired move by the producers. I mean, what the hell, Holly and Darlene? Throwing food at your sister's rehearsal dinner isn't rude? Heidi and Spencer are just pretentious snobs for finding it offensive? Wow. The producers actually got me to sympathize with Speidi, which was a twist I definitely did not see coming. It helped that Spencer bothered to shave for this wedding.
best quote of the episode was Spencer calming down Heidi after her purse got stained, "It's ok... it's only a possession."
That's right Spencer, you don't care about money or material goods. You're doing "Get Me Out of Here" because you're passionate about the material.
ryan the temp
How drunk was Holly? That was just...
@tigolbitties: No, it's Darlene.
@tigolbitties: oh shit, was the mom's name belinda? oops
tigolbitties
1. it was definitely rude for holly to throw a fucking potato at the rehearsal dinner... who the fuck doesn't think that's rude, except for darlene - dumbest mom ever...
2. was speidi's wedding such a production that the wedding party really needed passes? the editors forgot to edit that shit out when the flower girl and jr. bridesmaid came in wearing passes.
3. why did they keep using that shot of kristin shrugging and smirking? don't they know we know that was the same shit over and over again?
... that is all, just had to rant for a minute
tigolbitties
I predict that Lauren is simply taking a year off the show, and will come back to boost the ratings.
Why is Lauren in a towncar? Who takes a towncar to their friends wedding?
I read that Kristin was unsure of taking this Hills spot because it took so long to get of the reality star label, and now it's going to come right back. When did she ever lose the reality star label? Did she become a legitimate actress and not tell anyone???
jwick25
@budy920: Me too.
Kristin would be a good choice if The Hills were badly in need of more drama than usual. She is a total snake.
Whatever happened to Stephen? He was adorable and seemed like genuine guy. (Which makes for bad reality TV, I guess.)
I found Kelly Cutrone's life advice to be pretty awesome, actually. Something like "follow your intuition, be smart, be brave, and don't take any shit."
Greganda
@metoometoo: I actually didn't mind Spencer this episode. Holy hell, what has the world come to?
And Holly was super wasted. But doesn't everyone have an embarassing wedding moment involving too much alcohol? Like when you tell the bartender NOT to serve your father and you find him camped out at the bar looking for the microphone to do a toast and you wrestle the microphone out of his hands in the nick of time. Or was that just me?
@autoclavicle: Lauren would have to head to NC to catch up with Stephen, he is a regular on One Tree Hill these days. Scary (both me knowing that and him being an actor now).
katklaw
@blonderedhead: Hear hear. Needles in my eyeballs was always my preferred entertainment than this poorly scripted soap opera.
Give me the heavy sighing and significant looks of the Bold and the Beautiful anyday. Now THAT is reality SOAP.
Chiwuwu
@ArmCandy: Actually they only kicked MTV out of the reception, so that US Weekly could have exclusive rights... their wedding planner hired an actual photographer, who was later kicked out of the reception by Speidi, because they thought she was paporatzi...Charming
abrodtx