All Pixar Has Left To Do Is Become Self-Aware And Bomb Us All
Pixar continues its eerily strong success streak with its latest picture, about a floating house. Terminator is in trouble, while the Ben Stiller bubble has yet to pop. It probably never will. Click through for the latest US box office stats.
1) Up — $US68.2 million
One stormy night many years ago, a small car drove up to a menacing, crooked old house far in the dirty outskirts of a crumbling, decaying American city. A man emerged from the car, walked up to the door, and tentatively knocked. After a long wait—he thought about leaving, he wanted to leave, but something compelled him to stay—a strange, bent old man answered the door. “Come in out of the rain,” he croaked to the weary traveler. “My master shall see you in the parlor.” He led the traveler through the dimly lit, cobwebbed rooms and finally there was a roaring fire and a huge armchair. In which sat a man of indeterminate age—was he young? or old? middle-aged? The traveler couldn’t quite tell. “Sit down,” the ageless man purred, like three voices talking at once. And so the traveler did. “I’ve prepared your contract here,” and suddenly appeared an old piece of parchment. “Let’s see… ‘Being of sound mind and body’… blah blah… ‘In perpetuity forever’… yadda yadda… ahh yes, the important part. ‘And the company shall reign for decades, producing the highest quality product with supernatural ease, and all will be showered with praise.’ And all for the low low price of… one soul. So just sign here if you could. No, I need the full name, not just initials. Yes, that’s right. John Lasseter. Right there…” And John Lasseter signed and the bargain was upheld and though Pixar reigns now, poor Lasseter will suffer a thousand eternities in hell. I mean, that’s the only reasonable explanation for their mind-boggling, unbroken string of successes, right?
2) Night of the Museum: Fight for the Threequel — $US25.5 million
Showing strong legs in its second time at the rodeo, Ben Stiller’s comedy held up despite its strong family competition from the aforementioned devil’s deal. Do you think that some poor parents had to take their kids to both of these movies this weekend? Like somewhere where it rained and there was nothing else to do? And so you shill out $US40, $US50 for tickets and popcorn and sugary soda and hey, actually, Up is pretty good. But then they start wailing because they’re bored and what else is there to do. OK, we’ll go see Drag Me to Hell you think grimly, chuckling to yourself. No, obviously it has to be that museum movie with the Zoolander guy. So, $US40, $US50 again and sigh… it’s actually pretty silly, with all the loud jokes and funny voices and all the kids do is yell, and you suddenly think in a sad flash that back in college you would have spent a whole rainy weekend stoned, sitting on the couch watching Star Wars, or trying to make out with Mindy Kitimski from down the hall and oh well, so it goes.
3) Drag Me to Hell — $US16.6 million
Strong reviews and an otherwise horror-free cinemascape helped Sam Raimi’s movie to a strong third place debut. Which is good news for fans of horror/comedy everywhere, and possibly good news for the underused Alison Lohman, who shined so brightly in the underrated White Oleander and then kinda disappeared for a while. Guess all it takes to get you back on top is a creepy old gypsy lady who tries to make a demon eat you. Just ask John Lasseter.
4) Terminator Salvation — $US16.1 million
Yikes. Fourth place in its second weekend is not so good for ol’ Stormin’ Norman Christian Bale and his McG-led army of grey people doing grey things in grey World. Which is OK, because the movie is not so good. My big beef? Why would a collective hive mind computer system that’s all run from a central place need… a keyboard? Like, why would that be there? Can’t the robots just tell each other how to do things because they’re all just one computer robot? And why would they design their San Francisco headquarters with like, architectural flair? Do they care about aesthetics? I thought they were just uncaring computer robots. I’m confused. So is the rest of America.
9) Ghosts of Girlfriends Past — $US1.9 million
It’s funny to think about who went to this movie this weekend. It’s been out for five weeks. Who went? People who just got back from a long trip overseas and when their significant other picked them up and the airport and asked them “so what do you want to do?” they said… “Ohh I know, let’s go see that Matthew McConaughey ghost movie.” So they do and then after the movie when they’re taking the long way back to the car, enjoying the night, their significant other, whose name is Mindy Katimski, squeezes his hand and says “Speaking of old relationships, did I ever tell you about my boyfriend in college? We just smoked a lot of pot and watched Star Wars all the time. It was kinda lame. Anyway, he’s got a bunch of kids now. He must be so happy.”
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Comments (AU Comments | US Comments)
@teke367: Skynet is intelligent and self-aware. So yeah, it wants a world free of humans, but does that mean it can't ever decide to clean up after itself and enjoy a nice clean base?
@NinaHagen: Even Tony Scott doesn't really defend Domino.
Dear R. Lawson,
Gawker must compile a list of your all time greatest headlines. This one will certainly hit the top ten - simply classic, my friend. :)
@Spirit Fingers: In the future he hadn't sent Kyle Reese back to sire him yet. Thus, he'd never met a human-looking Terminator before. In the future, he doesn't exist in the past yet. So he's never had any adventures with Arnie, except, in a way, he has. He just doesn't remember it. Because it hasn't happened yet. But it's also always happened. Get it?
[gunshot]
Alison Lohman never disappeared. In fact, Richard, have you seen Where The Truth Lies?...um, yeah. She's all too visible in that one.
Guy Whitey Corngood
@Spirit Fingers: You mean when he yelled "CONNOR!" or was it when he bellowed "CONNOR!"
I also have a Terminator beef, but it may include spoilers. So anyone who hasn't seen it...SPOILER ALERT!
If there were terminators in all the other movies that were all some rendition of The Arnold, whether young and Cro-Magnon, or old with steroid-y muscle sag, why oh why was this John Connor so surprised to see terminators who looked like humans? He was truly baffled. He was once Edward Furlong and had a terminator best buddy, he was that kid from Carnavale and had a second terminator BFF, so I would think as a thirty-something year old revolutionary arm-band wearer the appearance of a terminator who resembled his two previous best friends with skin, blood, and etc., even if not the same likeness, would generate an "Oh, it's you," rather than a "Hey, wait! Skynet has made something new, well call me a pink pony named Daisy, aren't they diabolical." moment. Or did I misinterpret Christian Bales' fine acting skills?
Spirit Fingers
I prefer to believe that John Lasseter was beamed down from heaven on a white cloud, followed thereafter by his disciples Brad Bird, Peter Docter, Andrew Stanton, et al. And it was good.
Well, people built Skynet, and they used keyboards. I didn't get why the place was so clean. Shouldn't there be the rotten corpses of the dead bodies the machines killed in the takeover?
teke367
So Terminator Salvation is the THIRD unforeseen, unplanned sequel. We're all just running out of faith.
@Wrapitup: Domino gave me seizures...
Mindy, that bitch. Smoked all my grass, never put out.
@Aidan_: Uh, this is actually possible. Atomic demolition munitions of less than a kiloton yield were manufactured during the cold war, and in the old West Germany you can find "manhole" covers on and near bridges where they were to be placed in the event of war.
See Operation Hardtack II.
[en.wikipedia.org]
@resipsaloquacious: Like Cain in Kung Fu. For real ...
@saythatscool:
This explains much. You were walking the earth for a bit, weren't you?
resipsaloquacious
@Aidan_: I checked out when the borg didn't kill Kyle Reece when it had the chance.
Even though I adore Anton Yelchin.
I am thrilled about Terminator's failure. I wept when I found out that McG was directing the latest installment. Maybe now McG will go away or at least finally get it that horrible sound editing, jump cuts and conspicuous light effects don't make for a successful action movie director. Now G-d, please make the same thing happen to Tony Scott and Pelham 123 . I have been gunning for that asshole since Man on Fire
@NinaHagen: I'll have you know that the transient hotel just threw me out this morning, so I had a home at the time I was watching the movie.
Bitch.
@Aidan_: And not even a fridge in sight...
@Harry Pelotas: Oh my. I'm trying to imagine Skynet as played by Ben Stiller and the more I picture John Connor confronting it and arguing, the more I think the resulting quick-delivery comical banter would have been a million times better than what Terminator Salvation had in store for me...
Seriously - I was multiplex hopping this weekend & the only person in ...Museum was a confused homeless person.
Don't forget that Christian Bale was able to survive a small-ish nuclear explosion 100 or so yards away.
I checked out right about then.
Aidan_
I'd have paid to see a Terminator sequel from Pixar.
Even if Ben Stiller was the voice of Skynet.
Harry Pelotas
@El Matardillo: Okay, so there is an obscure way that image is possible.
Why would Skynet use such munitions when, ya know, a regular hydrogen bomb is much more deadly?
Aidan_
@Foster Kamer: Replace Mindy with Kim, and "never put out" with "gave me VD," and you have my college experience.
Paul_Is_Drunk
When you want to break into Skynet and override their system...there's an App for that.
Drag Me To Hell was pretty good but man Alison Lohman was excruciatingly bad. Disappointing.
eleusiswalks
@Richard Lawson: Not even if they bent the space time continuum with a redwood tree, would that make sense. Therein lies the reason why this will never, ever, work. And why there should never, ever, be another. Especially if it includes Christian Bale who gets out-acted by almost everyone he's in a movie with, always. Even the little Skynet- soothsayer moppet with the Bandaids was more convincing. Pfffttt! Also, who's the new good-guy terminator dude with the Cold Play jacket? He was cute. Couldn't wait until that guy was onscreen. Bale's varicose vein under-eye area disturbs me. I'd like to not have to look at it in another action film. Helena Bonham Carter is never needed, with or without Tim Burton, I've discovered.
Spirit Fingers
@Harry Pelotas: That would have been so awesome. Up was incredible.
jacobestes