Jimmy Kimmel Destroys ABC At ABC Upfronts
TV host and comedian Jimmy Kimmel had what the Times’ Dave Itzkoff termed as a “‘Jerry Maguire’-like moment” while delivering an address to potential advertisers at US network ABC’s upfront presentation on Tuesday, and it was simply awesome.
In case you’re unfamiliar with the “upfronts,” they’re an annual television industry event held in New York where all of the bigshots and stars from all the networks present their show lineups for the upcoming season to advertisers in the hopes of removing them from their money. Usually, these events are one enormous act of autofellatio, an endless stream of workers sucking the cocks of the companies they work for in order to hold on to their jobs and continue to cash ridiculously large paychecks, and really, who can blame them? Apart from the time in 1991 when Johnny Carson announced out of the blue that he was retiring during an NBC upfront presentation, these things are usually painfully benign, and are rarely, if ever, truly newsworthy. Typically it’s an endless parade of people like Charlie Sheen stepping up to a podium to tell the fine folks at Procter and Gamble and General Motors how if they thought last year’s season of Two and Half Men was funny, well, they haven’t seen anything yet, because this upcoming season is going to be a fucking riot, and then they politely ask them for $US1.5 million for a thirty second spot and the advertisers usually pay it and everyone goes home fat and happy. The end.
Now, with all of that established, back to Kimmel, who completely shattered this usual sort of monotony with his performance yesterday. Here’s a sampling of what he said as advertising executives just sat there squirming in their seats, laughing nervously, exchanging “WTF?!” glances, not quite sure of what to make of what what happening in front of them as he fired rhetorical scuds at ABC, its competitors, and the advertising industry in general.
“Let’s get real here. Let’s get Dr. Phil-real here. These new fall shows? We’re going to cancel about 90 percent of them. Maybe more.”
“Every year we lie to you and every year you come back for more. You don’t need an upfront. You need therapy. We completely lie to you, and then you pass those lies onto your clients.”
“Next year on ‘Grey’s Anatomy,’ your product could kill Dr. Izzie. It just depends on how much you want to pay.”
“I think all our shows are going to work this year. I really do. I don’t, really.”
“The important thing to remember is: who cares, it’s not your money.”
Kimmel also took a shot at NBC and Jay Leno, whom ABC once courted to possibly replace him when his contract with NBC expired, saying that they’re “giving Jay’s viewers exactly what they want. An early-bird special.”
It’s hard not to love and respect Jimmy Kimmel more than ever after all of this, but one can’t help suspecting that ABC will soon be announcing his show’s cancellation so that it can extend Nightline back to a full hour.
Jimmy Kimmel Demolishes ABC’s Upfronts [New York Times]
- Next Post: Anna Wintour To Oprah: ‘Lose Some Weight, Fatass!’ »
- « Previous Post: YouTube Clip Of The Day II
Comments (AU Comments | US Comments)
A Gawker post about Jimmy Kimmel and rants. Somewhere, Emily is scowling.
Awesome X
@wikipedias, he's an Italian-German (German-Jew? I think it would've been mentioned, no?). I feel like I've tried to make him Jewish before, but I suspect it's because of my desire to think of him and Silverman as the ultimate Jewish comedy couple.
"The important thing to remember is: who cares, it's not your money."
I have despised The Kimmel for years, but that line alone erases all the hate.
i love it. fking love it. well done jimmy kimmel.
LedburyLongshot
More stories about Jimmy Kimmel, brave Jewish comedian busting corporate balls and fewer stories about Shia LaBeouf, Jewish tiny penis-haver.
It makes me feel better about myself.
Thank you.
so awesome. unfortunately, it DOES mean ABC will have to pay handsomely for Jay Mohr to take Kimmel to a crowded restaurant and fire him. and Donal Logue will get a talk show.
RoyalGravy
Now that's speaking truth to power.
OrneryBabe
@BookishLookish: Are you still getting residuals from your appearance on "girls on trampolines"?
@Tardy: Hey I was on that show, and no I did not win the money.
scootersidecar
@SpecialK: I doubt it but if you could elaborate that would be nice. I'm only dubious because I think that the economy is forcing some extra candor these days. Rats off a sinking ship kinda thing. If he did this every year, including the ones where everyone got fat, I'd respect him even more.
@kimsama:
Or, if I may dip into my limited knowledge of Judaica, it may be a delightful [www.valleyboy.net]
@Tardy: ugh, the question categories were so lame and he read them off with such pride followed by a time-wasting reaction from the stupid audience. he was pointless on that show..
Apparently this (self-effacing jokes by network execs and stars) happens at every upfront and the NYT writer had never been to one and thought that this was something more than what it was.
j.blo
@BookishLookish: Haha! I was thinking more along the lines of stuff being transmitted via absorption through cell membranes, but clearly this is a gray area that would benefit from more research at the highest levels of academia.
And you've won me over to "infusion" -- it sounds sort of like brewing a delightful chai that way.
@cocodevaux: The Man Show. Sigh. I will watch that stupid thing in reruns like nobody's biz.
@kimsama: When a girl is getting the Hebrew hammer, it's "by injection." When a fellow is lucky enough to find himself straddled by a Hebrewess, it's "by infusion," but you know, I am not Orthodox nor orthodox, so say it however you please. But I think osmosis has something to do with water, so maybe if you're doing it in a Jacuzzi?
@BookishLookish: Isn't it "by osmosis" or something when it's the guy who's receiving the honorary ethnicity through bonking?
ziggy zoggy ziggy zoggy oy oy oy!
cocodevaux
Remember when Kimmel was a Ben Stein's sidekick?
Just thought I'd put that out there.
Tardy
Interesting that kimmel is balsy enough to get mouthy to the corporate suits, but, as he said on the Howard Stern show Monday, he's still not yet ready to have Sarah Silverman on his show.
Jimmy Kimmel does this every year. FYI.
SpecialK
@Cheap Shot: No, all comedians are self-loathing. Not exactly the same thing.
@Gawkchalk: Only if his talkshow is cancelled, and she gets a Variety show to replace it.
DeltaGuy
@rudi_freude: Please, he is everywhere! You cannot swing a cat in lower Manhattan without hitting his huge Irish head.
@Cheap Shot: Only the good ones.
What's that awful racket I hear coming from the West Side? Shit, they're Jimmy Kimmel's big, clanking balls mowing down TV execs along 7th Avenue! Watch out, people!
@naugahydeinplainsight: Is he still shtupping that Jewess with the potty mouth? Then Jewish by infusion, like John Cook.
@Awesome X:
And when?
rudi_freude
@Valerie Flame: Chris Noth! Where!?
Awesome X
NOW tell me all ASU grads are twats.
All comedians are Jewish.
A "Jerry Maguire-like" moment? Did he say he loved black people?
@uncivily obedient: Hmmm. They should be. Send us an e-mail about it if they're not. Sometimes they're not put up if the person just sucks so incredibly bad. Or if it's been such a long time that it's not worth our trouble. Or if you don't tell us where you saw the person and when. (You'd be amazed how many people are like OMG I JUST SAW CHRIS NOTH!!!)
Can Sarah Silverman save him?
@dado: But today? Honorary Jew.
Wait--isn't Jimmy's last name Falcon or something?
Frecklepup
@RoyalGravy: "and Donal Logue will get a talk show. "
I don't see a problem with this.
squinko
I barely remember a time when I thought Kimmel was funny... (I'm fucking Matt Damon was lame as hell)
Now I remember why.
xhack
I guess Jimmy spits.
And so all the media buyers got to feel hip and edgy again. Woohoo.
@✪TheMac: Jimmy is Catholic.
upfronts are usually press junkets, where the entertainment "reporters" get wined and dined and say nice things about the upcoming seasons
@Awesome X: BTW what are the requirements for a Gawker Stalker submission? I have sent in so many tips and not one was put up.
@✪TheMac: Kimmel is not a Jewish sounding name.
Give me back my screenname!@MissCast:
Miss Cast
@KatieMick: I never get why people in America are so offended by statements like that; most Jews in America are Ashkenazi. It's totally fair to note German-sounding names as potentially Jewish (here at least). I mean, it's not an off-the-wall suspicion, I think.
@Gessho: Naaah. It'll generate ratings for his show, ad rates will go up, and everyone will be happy.
OrneryBabe
@MrInBetween: My thoughts exactly.
MissCast
Congratulations on losing your job in such a funny and honest way, Kimmel.
Gessho
"I think all our shows are going to work this year. I really do. I don't, really."
HAHAHA!!!
FrankenPC
I don't understand what the purpose of this is? He's calling out the process of selling advertising, but he clearly has no qualms taking that money himself.
This just seems like blatant hypocrisy, made worse by the fact that he seems to want to use his image as a contrarian to just boost his career. I mean, why else do this?
Nope. Colour me unimpressed.
Kimmel has gladly ridden the corporate whore train through radio, The Man Show, and now five/six years of Jimmy Kimmel Live, so this (after he's played the game so well, so long) is quite unremarkable.
If this were the first year of his first show I might be able to rouse a modicum of respect, but today I say nay.
*Hm, Me thinks I'm a bit ornery today.
TillieHarper: We the Blacks...Niggmata (I Have Holes in My Soul)
@The Cajun Boy: Yes he most certainly did.
@Mikey-B: Jimmy went to ASU?!
@xhack: The only thing more lame than Kimmel is Sarah Silverman.
Almostbanned
First Emily Gould and now Jay Leno. Is anybody safe from the wrath of Kimmel? Not for nothing, but advertising executives are already in Hell's Circle #9, so a little humor at their expense is probably just fuel for the fire.
@j.blo: more info? i don't think his jokes were "self-effacing", there seems to be a venom behind them driving the effacement of others. it seems a little out of the ordinary (still fantastic, though) to me, but i might be wrong.
they can't cancel Jimmy. he's f-ing Matt Damon, the most powerful man in the biznezz
orisci
@RonMwangaguhunga: Maybe SS isn't ready to be on the show?
@uncivily obedient: Seriously?
@squinko: Me neither. Was liking him since the Tao of Steve.
@CaptainFantastic: You think those mink-lined handcuffs I bought you last month were free, baby?
@apocalypse-nowish: I hate to break it to you but Life got cancelled.
ConAir34
@RoyalGravy: Noooooo. Donal must stay on Life. Must!
@kamikaze kittenball: I am a media buyer and I was there (well, watching the event via simulcastat the Gene Siskel Theater in Chicago). He does the same thing every year. You may recall that a year or two ago ABC did a show called "Bingo Night in America." At the upfront presentation that year, Kimmel said "'Bingo Night in America' is for the audience that finds "Deal or No Deal" too complicated."
Most of us in advertising find the upfronts to be a tad ridiculous, they are sales pitches, after all. He did a great job poking fun. It sounded to me like the New York folks were laughing, but I can't be sure because the 150 or so people at the Chicago simulcast were laughing too loud to really hear.
october271986