Gossip Roundup: Aiken’s Beef Squashing, Beyonce Says “Stay Fat”

Good Sunday morning! Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen spawning, Keifer Sutherland, Clay Aiken, and Giada De Laurentiis squashing separate (but equal!) beefs, Robert Pattinson gets some Can(nes), and Beyonce sez: “avoid the gym.”

• Gisele Bundchen is reportedly preggers with Tom Brady’s baby. The 18-to-44 year-old male demographic throughout New England yet again begin ritualistic sacrifices of their own children as they pray for a better, stronger, faster, functioning-knee enabled, penis-equipped foetus to emerge from the holy Brazilian loins of Ms. Bundchen. [NYDN]
• Clay Aiken apologies to his fellow alien from Planet Karaoke, Adam Lambert, for openly communicating his displeasure with Lambert’s version of “Ring of Fire” to the heavens. His opening salvo: “”Who knew I had so much influence and that my words and opinion mattered so much to so many people!?!?! HA HA HA” Professors who devote their lives’ work to post-modernism wake up in the middle of the night, start crying, and begin furiously scribbling away. [Just Jared]
• Beyonce’s advice to women: You look gross when you’re emaciated, stop going to the gym obsessively, we look good with some skin on us, you know? In other news, call volume to 1-900-Mix-A-Lot surges exponentially. [NYDN]
• Kiefer Sutherland and the Guy He Head-Butted issue a joint statement noting that any bad blood between them is gone. Meanwhile, after you read the term “head-butt” so many times, it starts to get funny. Because, you know, what if he butt-headed the guy? Just sayin‘. [E!]
• Twilight looker Robert Pattinson gets some can in Cannes from a random. Teenage girls everywhere begin to file down their “fangs,” ready their slambooks, and generally prepare to “slay that bitch.” [P*r*z H*lt*n]
• The KKK (Kim, Khloe, Kourtney) materialise at some party in South Beach, their publicist gets hit in the head with a camera (apropos, much?), and Kourtney’s all like “BACK THE FUCK UP!” which is hysterical because it’s maybe the most articulate thing she’s ever said. [Page Six]

< li>Like Christopher Hitchens and some Playboy blogger before him, Radio “shock” jock Mancow is not only still around, but apparently, got waterboarded. And nobody gives a shit. [TMZ]

• Beef, uncooked: rivals Giada De Laurentiis and Rachel Ray have put the guns down, and will sign a peace accord, thus putting Food Network executives’ concerns that they’d have to erect a tower-guarded twenty foot wall between their studios to rest. [Gatecrasher]
• Potential New Kickdog-Replacing Hollywood Accessory: bunnies, as evidenced by Nicole Richie’s baby’s daddy (did I get that right?) Benji Madden walking out of a Coffee Bean with one. Or he’s going to eat it. Here’s hoping he won’t, because you know you want to see Christian Bale taking one of those to the gym. In fact, we’re all about Hollywood adopting bizarre-ass pets to carry with them. Next should be a baby anteater. Seriously. [D-Listed]