“You Know It’s Going To Be Good…”

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure and a real sense of delay that I introduce you to the greatest article ever published in an Australian paper. Seriously.

On Monday morning I was working hard in the RRR offices desperately attempting to transcribe my interview with Deborah Frances-White (it’s coming! We both talk so fast and for so long!) when I looked up and there was Deborah Frances-White waving through the window! She had returned to RRR to appear on air with the brilliant (as in, go and see) Philip Escoffey and king of the musical Casey Bennetto, and when I popped out of the studio to say hello, Deborah asked if I had seen an article that had appeared in The Age on Sunday about a talent scout discussing comedians. I had not. Messrs Bennetto and Escoffey looked encouraging as I took the newspaper clipping from Deborah’s hand. Deborah assured me the “piece” would change my life.

And it did. Let’s investigate, shall we?

In the third row, beyond the spotlight, talent scout Henrie Stride has a good feeling as young comedian Celia Pacquola starts greeting her audience in the sold-out venue at Melbourne Town Hall. “Even before you sit down, you get a feeling it’s going to be good,” Stride says.

Ahhh, perhaps Henrie Stride has heard plenty of great things about Celia Pacquola? Maybe the look of excitement and anticipation on the faces of members of the audience is some kind of giveaway that Celia has something wonderful to offer fans of comedy?

No.

Tonight, Stride is searching for panellists for SBS’s forthcoming sports comedy show, The Squiz. Pacquola, with her easy grin and chirpy tales of betrayal, has caught her eye. “A lot of women’s comedy is angry and quite hard, bitter, man-hating, lesbiany. Not very many female comedians are commercial — but she is really pretty and her comedy is upbeat; she has potential,” Stride says.

Celia is less lesbiany (<--- LESBIANY! AMAZING!) than other horrendously butch female comics and has a nice smile. Happy, Celia? All that effort you put in to write a show jam packed with material that tickles the funny bones of comedy connoisseurs? Wasted time! All you needed to do was smile and stay upbeat!

Take a moment to pity the latest Henrie Stride hiring who is no doubt standing in front of a mirror as we speak and freaking out about the size of her eyes.

Stride, a former Channel Nine casting director, sees at least three shows a night over a week of the festival, searching for comedians with the right, bright stuff. “The goal on TV is that everybody likes you. People on television need to have nothing wrong about them, nothing that anyone dislikes,” she says. “I have just cast someone in a show who nearly didn’t get the gig because one of her eyes appeared a tiny bit smaller than the other, and everyone was concerned that it would be a distraction.”

You couldn’t make up these quotes, could you?

If you are hoping to catch Henrie Stride’s eye during the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, aspiring comics, don’t be foolish enough to think that being funny is the key to success.

Stride says she has to look beyond the funny side of stand-up comedy. “I’m looking at the person for their marketability — are they attractive, outgoing, warm? Being hilariously funny and the best comedian in the world is not the whole objective for me.”

So just a brief recap: if you want to make it, you’ll need to be an attractive, non-lesbiany upbeat comic who is only moderately funny. Wait, that DOES sound like a lot of the comedians we see regularly on Australian television! I won’t name names, but you can draw your own conclusions.

Guess who did win Henrie Stride’s heart despite being “not traditionally good looking”?

At the City Square, the absurdist, nerdy, energetic rock comedy of The Axis of Awesome is on show. Centre stage, in T-shirt and cape, is Jordan Raskopoulos, the performer Stride picked at last year’s festival for the role of The Squiz team captain. He has a generous physique, like American actor Jack Black, that she says is fine for SBS but not for Channel Nine “because everyone on Channel Nine has to be good looking, and he’s not traditionally good looking.

Get it? If you’re partial to scoffing the occasional pie, you may end up on SBS – but there’s no way in hell you’ll ever find yourself on Channel Nine. Still The One – With Boring Anorexics!

Last bit!

Commercial appeal means being the least disliked person in the room. “When making television shows, you don’t want to offend anybody in any way. There is no room for risk-taking, particularly in the current climate … It turns everything bland.”

Ironically, Stride admires the ABC’s Adam Hills for his commercial appeal.

Yes, shame about everything turning bland, isn’t it? And what brilliant use of the word “ironically” – what exactly are they saying about Adam Hills? That he’s bland? Or that he has commercial appeal despite not being physically perfect? I guess as long as you look attractive and flawless from the waist up and you’re prepared to sit behind a desk, you’re allowed to grace Australian television screens.

Honest to god. This is why Australian television is completely shit most of the time. That said, I laughed till I wept blood when I read the above article. So astounding, it took me three days to calm down and write about it.

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