Suri Cruise Goes To Alien School
The child found inside a comet by actors Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will turn three this week, then be shipped off to a strict Scientology school, as it is her father’s most ancient religion.
The prestigious institution, called Clone High New Village Academy, was founded (most likely as some sort of assets-hiding tax dodge) by is-he-or-isn’t-he Scientologist Will Smith. It teaches children “study technology” (as in: “Open the plate in your chest. Study the technology that makes you function as a normal Earth human”) and promotes a rigorous diet of low-carb, low-sodium and low-sugar organic food.
For her part, poor terrified Holmes has been completing an initial toxin cleansing phase in the lead up to her second Impregnating, to be processed once she is done filming her movie The Extra Man in her beloved New York City.
So both Suri and Katie hurtle toward the next level of Scientological horrors and mysteries, one sadly and innocently unaware, the other searching in vain for the shatters of the soul she sold lo those four or so years ago for a shot at a movie career. When reached for questioning, Cruise said that yes, yes he’s thrilled about all this news but please don’t hug him while his new exoskeleton is still so new and sensitive.
Image via Getty
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Comments (AU Comments | US Comments)
"Saved by the Beldar" - spectacular work, Richard.
depardoo
This kid is going to write a hell of a tell-all someday...
City_Dater
Nice Clone High reference
whoabritney
Suri's memoir is going to be fantastic.
seriously though, how hard can it be to find out conclusively if big willy style is a scientologist or not? i tried emailing the blackpeoplelistserv and got nothing... google gives me nothing definite... he is not listed in either the w or the s in wikepedia for famous scientologist... !!!!
tigolbitties
I think we also need to mention Jenna's Suri Cruise rap, complete with Burberry pinafore.
"study technology"? I suppose that's what us earthlings call "learning".
..
I guarentee she'll win EVERY staring contest.
But I'm SP.
..
Kirth
I can't wait to see the school uniforms.
mfnher
New Village Academy of The Damned?
Just look at her. What a little fatass.
@tigolbitties: He is one. If you found a scientology kiddie brainwashing center, you qualify as a scientologist.
One day she will orchestrate Bristol Palin's successful bid for the White House.
@EleanorRigby: How amazing was that?!
@mfnher: Snuggies and those eskimo sunglasses hipsters call 'Slanties.' For their first 8-hour auditing session, they will be forced to repeat, "Take me to your leader" over and over again.
That ring looks like a prop from Battlefield: Earth.
squidbait
@squidbait: It allows the motherunit to sync up with the front panel of the childunit
Charlotte Rae's Web
@Mount_Prion: i could swore they told essence it was going to be a christian school... but i can't find it. methinks you might be right, can't see a scientologist sending their seed some other differently religioned school...
tigolbitties
That Suri is an amazing woman.
@Fry_Bread_Power: come on fry bread! you know they don't say take me to your leader! they say boiknbjkldfrjrjifblnsd[;ljelkje0o9e ebjegipjmrfbnk-ew
tigolbitties
This makes me grateful a 100x over that my similarly aged niece is just in regular old preschool/daycare. And that her parents are as normal as can be. Thank you, Jeebus.
rubyruby
Does she really have to go to school for this? Can't it merely be accomplished by injection?
SultanaEleusis
Silly $ciento freaks.
Nobody with half a mind could possibly buy into this nonsense.
www.xenu.net
I hope that this fabulous child's real mother- Victoria Beckham- can save her. I will pray over my statue of my Lord and Personal Savior Karl Lagerfeld that this child is protected from Xenu and Jada Pinkett and her Wicked Wisdom
+ Watch video
adiam7
Oh yeah, Will definitely is. And he's a Scientologist too.
tarawanna
Hey people, stop your ignorant religion bashing! Scientology cured Kirstie Alley of obesity and John Travolta of Homosexu...oh wait, nevermind.
Imnotatnbc
@Mount_Prion: Don't forget, internet is forever. One day she will read your mean throwaway joke, fatass.
@EleanorRigby: "I came out of the womb with a full head of hair!"
@Proofer3: Her face looks a little Mongoloid-ish, too.
I can't believe Suri and Katie still eat 'food'. Tom has been subsisting meteors from Krypton for years.
I think this act qualifies as child abuse and TomKat should be arrested!
lookout72
Oh, how sweet. A picture of mommy plugging Suri into her recharging station.
jwick25
@Sleepyhead: 'Mongoloid' is SO 20th Century.