Hannah Montana And Cowboy Ride Rocket Horses Past Speeding Toyota

Hannah Montana opened big, meaning we get six more years of Miley Cyrus. Fast & Furious continues to do donuts in America’s muddy backyard, and those few who Observe‘d did not Report good things.

1) The Hannah Montana Movie — $US34 million
Miley Cyrus saved a horse and rode her father a floppy fop-topped blonde sex cowboy to box office juggernaut success over the Easter weekend. Nothing says “Jesus rising on the third day” quite like watching a 16-year-old with a smoker’s rasp tromp her way through a Tennessee misadventure that involves her gross, be-goatee’d papa finding a mate and a gay sunshine cow wrangler sweeping her chastely off her feet. This bow tops her concert movie of two years ago, which hauled in 31 million clams. It’s the highest first-weekend gross for a non-animated G-rated movie ever. Even though Miley and her boyfriend are, I’m pretty sure, hand-drawn.

2) Fast & Furious — $US28.8 million
Walter Matthau, Jack Lemmon, Ann-Margaret and crew continue to wreak box office havoc with their smash hit car racing sequel. The film has now grossed $US110 million domestically in just ten speedy, irate days. We can now be sure that we’ll get another wave of cheaply-made, urban shoot-’em-ups that ought to keep Tyrese employed through at least 2011. Also, Paul Walker might finally have the clout to get his long dreamed of Cherry Orchard project off the ground, which he’s translated, will direct, and will star in. Asked about the project, Walker has said that he wants to “show the listlessness of Russian provincial living, for sure, but to also explore what that means for us. How is Chekhov’s history really all of our history? Aren’t we all, every quiet day, teetering on the brink of some kind of revolution, whether of the mind or the body politic? Also, there will be a Ducati chase and you’ll see Megan Fox’s tits.”

3) Monsters vs. Aliens — $US22.6 million
This thing just keeps tromping through, because evidently there are too many children in America. Or there aren’t that many, but the ones that there are are spoiled little brats who keep making their parents take them to this sub-par Pixar-lite outing. Dads just doze off and dream about giant Reese Witherspoon tits while mums actually sneak off and have a cigarette and a glass of chardonnay at the Fudruckers bar. They sneak back in and no one notices, not dreaming papa nor glazed-over candy sated children. And the nation spins on.

4) Observe & Report — $US11.1 million
Oof. Not only did the number disappoint, but the low C CinemaScore means it probably won’t do well in the ol’ word-of-mouth department. Surprising for a movie that’s been decently reviewed (for a comedy) and had a fair share of alt-buzz? No, not really. Jody Hill’s brand of humor is an acrid, acquired one. Not the easy accessible giggle/shucks of an Apatow movie. This is darker and, yes, thinkier (sorta) fare. So. Disappointing for a wide release, but probably to become a mild cult hit on DVD.

8) Dragonball: Evolution — $US4.7 million
Oh Emmy Rossum… oh thy career has stumbled. Well, it never really got started. The wide-eyed New Yorker was supposed to hit big with Joel Schumacher’s Phantom of the Opera, but that was, as we all know, a Polar Express to Hell! of a trainwreck, so it never really happened for her. Now she’s stuck playing a character named Bulma with ridiculous hair in a movie about dragons and balls and the missing letter Z costarring the unfortunate Justin Chatwin and Jamie from the Real World: San Diego. Terrific.