American Idol: To Inanity, And Beyond!
The Top 5! Rat Pack croony swoony songs! What a magical combination. Oddly, I don’t mean that entirely sarcastically. There was some good sing-sangin’ on Idol last night, mostly from my long-term two favourites.
In the show’s continued efforts to hire judges who’ve no business critiquing singing performances, Jamie Foxx hopped off his Miami speedboat and mugged for the cameras and popped up as a surprise mentor. Kris awkwardly just walked up and gave him one of those soul-boy handshake/hug things that I can never seem to quite get right (or even figure out when they’re about to happen- it always ends up some weird mashy muddle of a hug). Matt Giraud was conveniently playing “Georgia On My Mind” on the harpsichord, so maybe they actually knew he was coming. Who knows. On with the judging.
The Good
Dear me, Kris Allen. He sang “The Way You Look Tonight” and, sorry y’all, but it had just been good. Perfect song choice to arouse the squealing laydays, perfect suit, perfect sideways triangle mouth anime smile. The criticism was just and slobbery, until Simon did a bit of course correction and criticised him because, I think, he wanted to make sure that Kris didn’t fall prey to his own praise. Which has happened at this point of the raggedy show all too often.
Allison once again had the best technical vocal pitch sound thing going on, even though I’m not the biggest fan of “Someone To Watch Over Me.” Randy made a funny and said that she looked like Brittany Murphy, meaning it as a compliment. Allison’s sixteen-year-old eyes bulged and visions of the shaky, once-talented, coke-addled waif bizarring her way through that weird Nora Roberts Lifetime movie about an old house and a child actress that was on a few weeks ago. (Did you see that thing? Peculiar doesn’t begin to describe it.) So, no, Allison, don’t worry. Randy once described Kara as looking “like a doorknob.” And, oh wait. That’s actually chillingly accurate. Nevermind. But Allison, you look far better than Ms. Murphy.
OK. Are you sitting down, preferably weeping? Good. So the Gokester? Was actually pretty good last night. I mean, he’s still really really annoying and his face still looks like what food looks like in illustrated children’s books, but “Come Rain or Come Shine” was the perfect kinda song for this bland Nova Scotia cruise ship singer. So I guess the theme played into his hand, rather than him playing into the theme, which is actually the whole point of the show, but whatever. Gokey, may you be voted off tonight, but still know that you did a fine job yesterday.
The Bad
The cheese stands alone. Matt Giraud’s corny, way-too-riffy “My Funny Valentine” only made me long for the littlenecked pleasures of my beloved Melinda Doolittle, who gave probably the finest Idol performance in world history when she sang that beautiful ditty during the semifinals, way back in season six. The song was also sung well, and very simply, by Matt Damon in The Talented Mr. Ripley. Giraud! Even Jamie frigging Foxx told you to cool with all the runs and trills and supposed-be-bop-thrills. It begins to sound tired and like so much work. Actually, scratch that Gokey. You earned your keep. I think it’s Mr. Giraud whose time has come. Time to shuffle back to those smoky piano bars in his head.
The Starlight Ickspress
If an American Idol were to be launched into space, would they just burn up in the atmosphere, or would they slip the surly bonds of Earth and touch the face of God? Well, Adam Lambert aims to find out. Last night he sang “Feeling Good,” perhaps made most famous by Nina Simone, later used in Six Feet Under commercials. It was a good choice for our sparkled oddity, because it’s got that wickedness and that build to it that he loves so much. But it just became… something like a fissure opening up in the heavens, like a primal scream emanating from the devil’s groin. I’m loath to describe things here as indulgent—because, really, shouldn’t all artistry (if we can call karaoke that) be indulgent?—but it was still a brash and silly performance. That Adam is going to win this whole thing is just a foregone conclusion at this point, so I wish he’d just relax a little. Can you imagine a choir of opossums mewling at you, very loudly, for 50 minutes? Judging by Lambo’s performances, that’s what his album will sound like, the whole way through. Have fun getting startled by one of his high notes and running your car off the road and into a ditch.
Five’s a Crowd
Guys, I’m pretty sure Lil Rounds is going to go home. No, actually, I don’t know. It’s hard to say. Simon had ominous predictions for Allison (“I’m worried about you”), but maybe, again, he was just trying to drum up votes. Calling Gokey complete and “ready to record” might mean that they’d like to see him go. But really, I think it’s going to be (or at least ought to be) our all-seeing friend, Miriam Girmaund. For whom the world of America opened its soft, flabby arms and embraced unconditionally for all these many weeks. Except that one time when we voted him off. But, y’know.
A Question
Was Kara calling Adam’s performance “sleazy” the best (and, perhaps, only good thing) she’s said all season?
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Comments (AU Comments | US Comments)
@souldecirce: Total opposite--he was immediately matching her up against Lamberace, who's obviously gonna be in the finals. Once you think about whether or not she can win versus whether or not she can beat out Matt Giraud or Kris Allen, she's screwed and he knows it. I don't know what his problem with her is, but I thought he was being a dick last night.
DahlELama
If anyone but Matt Giraud goes home tonight I will be SO pissed. I thought he sucked, except for his last note. I didn't particularly enjoy Glambert's primal scream at the end, but I liked the rest of it.
DahlELama
@Elliot Hutchinson:
Isn't everything rigged, all the time?
Hutch: Kara said "sleazy" with an effusive tiger growl and scrunched-up nose. It was a compliment. I liked the word being used that way.
Banjo-Sea Kitten
@lobstr: I don't Melinda Doolittle was branded as the lock in her season. She was by far the most talented, but she also had the personality of a frightened child when she wasn't performing.
DahlELama
I wish Richard never mentioned the triangle mouth thing a couple weeks ago. That's literally ALL I can see when Kris sings. Much worse than the mole even. The mole!
What a peculiar mouth shape. What an unfortunate forehead marker.
Elliot Hutchinson
That tongue action Adam he went into that penultimate note was strictly Jerry Lewis "LAAA-DEEEEEEEE!"
goodstory
@frauleinsally: i was just upset that he did not come out dressed as dolly levi
@markscottmusic: YES, I NOTICED THAT. i have been refraining from saying anything because i didn't want to sound like a complete paranoid.
Did anyone else notice the little hand heart Gokey made while Ryan was giving out his vote numbers... the same little hand heart that appeared in the Lenscrafters commercial later that night on a couple of other networks... and Gokey wears different glasses every night... does anyone else smell early endorsement deal? Is that allowed?
markscottmusic
@allyzay: That's exactly what it is. It started with the Mad World performance. It turns into a one-man Glamberace performance. Glitter, glam, smoke and mirrors. Oh Amber Lambert!
Did anyone see the camera swirl around him at the end, like he was shooting a Pepsi commercial [or something else obnoxiously, commercially grandiose]? Yuckness.
I am glad Randy called it out for being OTT and Kara threw in the sleaze factor. It's only fair...
Elliot Hutchinson
@Vlad the Impala: Same reason he goes last every other week, the winner has already been crowned.
Well, one thing's for sure - Adam Lambert will never play Dolly Levi - that was a pretty awkward stroll down the stairs.
frauleinsally
@lobstr: please do not ever again say that danny gokey will win this competition. that is a fate worse than that time that terrible lady i hated won project runway.
@Vlad the Impala: i've been wondering the same thing and have chalked it up to "favoritism"
Richard, recall that dear Melinda Doolittle was branded as the lock just like Adam is now, but she got booted to 3rd... Of course, she really was way better than Jordyn or Blizza-Bli-Bli-Blicka-Blicka-Bla...("Now It's Time For a Breakdown")-bmm-chh-k-bmm-a-bmm-chh-k-Blake Lewis, so the voting "America" just had our heads up our asses that week.
I think if the general public grows tired of the over-the-top drama class starlet, he might get Doolittled and Gokey's gonna take it.
@Vlad the Impala: You know what? That is a really excellent question. Never thought about that before. Something's fishy!
Why does Adam get mike reverb and light shows when he sings and everyone else gets technical squat?
Vlad the Impala
Knew you were going to dig that sleazy remark of Kara's.
I immediately thought that Cowell was trying to fearmonger people into voting for Alison, because his question ("Do you think you can win?") came outta left field.
souldecirce
@im10ashus: Pretty sure that's Richard havin' a loff. Pretty sure.
souldecirce
I am pretty sure Lil Rounds went home last week. Pretty sure.
im10ashus
So when is the Jamie Foxx-Kris Allen album going to drop? Foxx said it, so it must be true.
Thought everyone except Giraud was pretty solid last night.
@kpburke: Funny you should say that...Taylor Hicks is playing that role now in an off Off OFF Broadway tour. Remember him? He was the rebellious, "different" and crazy-haired winner a few years back.
"Different" looked better on paper than it did at the cash register.
History repeating itself? Same fate? Hope not for A.L.'s sake.
Elliot Hutchinson
sleazy, indeed. labert is really good, but i don't know if he'll win. AI is more about marketability then talent.
gaybot
@pmarble: He says "I want thunder, lightning and hells bells," all the while shimmying to the beat of his own tap dancing and applying the guyliner.
I just hate the way that the judges and producers begin to make this "competition" a cake-walk-media-showcase for the frontrunner, no matter how deserving/undeserving they are. ...Kara, BTW, was just seemingly confused by Adam's performance.
But then again, she's confused the other 23 hrs and 57 min of the day, as well. GO to the FIGURE.
Elliot Hutchinson
@IlConformista: Was it just me, or were all the judges especially rehearsed last night? It seemed like Paula and Kara were reading from a teleprompter. So much alliteration!
ArmCandy
@IlConformista: Interesting thing with Paula. What I did notice was her lips quivering whenever she tried to smile. Do you think she has facial Parkinson's?
Was anyone else reminded of the Beauty School Dropout scene from Grease when Mlle. Lambert descended the steps?
Also, it was quite chilling to see him pre- and post- makeup. It gives you an idea of just how much makeup is caked on his face to smooth out those moon craters.
@Vlad the Impala: I'd guess it's because he knows how to ask for it, being all musical theatery and all.
pmarble
Giraud is gross to me, and I once thought he was appealing. Simon praising him was probably one of the only times I questioned his sanity in all the seasons I've watched, actually the whole night was whacked out on the Simon front.
fuzzywhat
His face still looks like what food looks like in illustrated children's books.
I don't know how you do it, Richard, but it's magical.
ArmCandy
1st - Brittany Murphy movie was extremely odd. And Sex and the City's Jason Lewis needs to fire his agent.
2nd - I have been on a Nova Scotian Cruise and Gokey isn't fit to bus the tables.
3rd - Thanks for finally easing up on Alison.
@allyzay: Well, there is always the finale... I mean, I assume that La Lambert will be appearing in the finale - if not, who would really win this season? I want to do lots of dirty things to Kris Allen but I don't really wanna listen to him on a record.
frauleinsally
What was sleazy (and yet kind of awesome) about last night: how Jamie was drooling over K Allen. And the whole promise of a record together? C'mon Jamie!
Also: noticed how only half of Paula's face got botox this week, leaving her with a lazy-looking left eye?
IlConformista
@markscottmusic: Saw it too. He sucks so badly.
ArmCandy
@allyzay: Or Gloria Swanson
@Vlad the Impala: Oh you think they pull out all the stops for Adam? You're wrong. It's in his contract.
Ooooh, the mind games. The judges just mess with my miiiiiiiiiiind!
CeCeF1
But it just became... something like a fissure opening up in the heavens, like a primal scream emanating from the devil's groin.
Perfect way to sum up Alana Lambert.
Also -- that is the greatest sentence that has every appeared in a Gawker post. Dawg, you got it goin' on. You did your thing tonight, baby!
The_Lovely_Miss_Bronx
@markscottmusic: YES.
Beppo
Never once have I thought that an Erasure/Robert Plant duet would be a good idea.
This might be why I don't care for Adam Lambert.
The main thing I'm pissed about is that Adam did Muse's (brilliant) version of Feeling Good, and didn't give them any credit. Maybe he will later, but I'm thinking not. He is also not Matt Bellamy and should stop thinking he is in the same league. He is exactly like all the self absorbed gay boys in my theater program in High School. That was not a swipe at gays...mostly just theater kids. Clearly, I'm still bitter for not getting into any of the shows...ahem.
ANYWAYS. Kris Allen ftw, duh.
lastbroadcast
@allyzay: Man, why does everyone hate Gokey? (I mean, besides the horrible name).. he's a great freakin' singer!
The Palin glasses gotta go, but early on I found him to be quite awesome -- him and his little African American pal with the Yeah, I killed someone once tear drop jail tattoo. Both of them are awesome.
@DahlELama: All I can remember was Randy and Simon's constant lauding of how she's "going to win this commmm-pe-tition" (I have no idea what Paula said as I regularly FF through her, but I will guess it was something like blaaah, blaaah, you are an inspiration, blah blaah) .. and surprise!
@Maura Johnston: that is from last night. be very afraid.
(be even more afraid that the other side of the oaktag was a sign for matt.)
[topidol.wordpress.com]
Adam's performance would have been much better if he'd done it in heels and a dress. Now I'd vote for that!
yoko
Richard, I agree with you about Melinda' Doolittle's take on "My Funny Valentine" -- but don't forget Constantine Maroulis' amazing version in Season Four. I thought he was complete cheese until he smashed it that week. I still hear it in my head (and DVR'd it when that episode came up on "Idol Rewind" a couple of months ago).
The theme was Music from Movies (or Show Tunes or some other inane title). The other thing worth mentioning from that episode is Carrie Underwood's performance on "Hello Young Lovers." I used to work for FOX and was privileged to be at that show. I will never forget the chills I got when I heard her sing the song live. Her phrasing and intonation were flawless, the most perfect pop voice since Karen Carpenter. She should be in "South Pacific!"
RaymondKevin
@Elliot Hutchinson: I wonder if the mouth is the result of some kind of paralysis. Milo Ventimiglia has something similar, so his mouth sometimes droops to the right (or left).
And that mole. I don't know which is worse: the mole or the douchey hats he wears to cover it up.
@Elliot Hutchinson: I'm ashamed to admit that this is the first season of Idol that I've watched. I guess it has something to do with only having an antenna and being limited to 7 or so channels.
@gaybot: No. I'm pretty sure it's equally not about either of those things.
MyNameIsChris
@rina: Ha!
@allyzay: was it leanne please say it was leanne i hate leanne with every fiber of my being
eleusiswalks
I haven't watched every season, but everyone I've ever seen sing "Feeling Good" has been voted off that week. I think that song--which I love--is cursed.
@Elliot Hutchinson: That smile reminds me of Calvin and Hobbes cartoons.
What in the world happens to Adam when he sings the big notes??? Why, he sticks out his tongue like a bleating goat! Ever see a goat when they say Baaaaaa? Exactly the same....Watch him next time! haha
NoraScuderi
"Can you imagine a choir of opossums mewling at you, very loudly, for 50 minutes? Judging by Lambo's performances, that's what his album will sound like, the whole way through. Have fun getting startled by one of his high notes and running your car off the road and into a ditch."
the most precious paragraph ever written bout an AI contestant on the show. because frankly, what do you make of la berta's performances? a vegas act through and through. somewhere on a plane close to la dion.
Henry Barrameda