A Failed Celebrity Blogger’s Book: Tales Of A Z-Grade Nothing

Jonathan Jaxson—world’s worst publicist, victim of Perez Hilton’s sex cons—is so over all this bullshit celebrity culture. Still needing cash, though, he’s got a book proposal.

Jaxson has been a publicist for the likes of that one girl from The Cheetah Club for Girls or whatever, plus he attempted a gossip site called J.J.’s Dirt that, well, never went anywhere. He and his mother used to be professional talk-show guests (discussing Jaxson’s deadbeat dad), which prompted Jaxson’s fame-hunger and pushed him toward the gossip industry. Mostly he’s popped up on Jacksonville, FL local news broadcasts and rehashed celebrity news that everyone already knew as if he’d just scooped it. Perhaps sensing the tidal change away from the scuzzy pink celebrity trashing of yesteryear, Jaxson has shifted his efforts toward a wiser and self-reflecting view of show business.

Because the memoir has worked so well for esteemed figures like Tori Spelling and Chelsea Handler, Jaxson is sending out a proposal for a book sadly titled Don’t You Know Who I Am Yet???, a look back at his rollercoaster life and career. In the very-rough drafts of chapters he sent to us, Jaxson issues ruminative ruminations on his troubled childhood:

It was … my obsession with the happiest hours of my life, the Rosie O’Donnell Show that kept me desiring fame, as I thought it would be my escape to always be financially secure and finally make a life of my own with friends that could last a lifetime. This is when I realised how it may be possible for me to finally meet my father on a talk show while aquiring that 15 minutes of fame I had always desired.

Then he moves on to hissy, non-scandal celebrity outings and partying stories:

Bungalow 8 was the place I met Ms. Mary-Kate Olsen. I was extremely disappointed in finding out that the Mary-Kate I was meeting was cocained up and completely wasted on booze. It was sad really. Really sad. It was during NYC Fashion Week that I was there with celebrities, Kim Kardashian, Chudney Ross, Evan Ross and Cuba Gooding JR.

Finally he urges the reader that he is d-u-n done with all that drama. Because he’s been in it, man. He’s been in the shit. But now he’s seen the light.

Chapter 10: The 16th Minute
(Life beyond fame; making a difference; maturity)
The sucidial moments, the emptiness, the feeling of being lost, development of sever anxiety and the multiple turn of events that made an impact on my life to write this book and begin a new chapter and focus on my life.

Unfortunately for Jaxson, even on the off chance that some tiny publisher does mimeograph a few copies of this thing and distribute it at rest homes, it’d still be a few years too late. That gum bubble has burst, leaving everyone, but some more than others, looking pretty sticky.