Ongoing Richard Simmons Terror Campaign Leaves Dozens Wounded, Sweatin’

As if nearly exposing Lisa Rinna’s snickerdoodle to a horrified America wasn’t enough, Richard Simmons’s campaign of meal-dealing terror continues to devastate Manhattan.

In addition to reliving the scissor-kicking devastation, we offer two more shocking acts perpetrated by Simmons on live TV in recent hours: On CNN’s American Morning, Simmons offered a demonstration of the advanced shrimping techniques that helped him curb his cravings for actual shellfish, melting away the pounds and lowering his cholesterol in the process. And finally, a visit to the Fox News studios, the Jewfroed weight-loss guru molests a number of camera operators and crew—an act of personal violation so heinous, it’s sure to be met with swift, concrete-boot retribution from the Teamsters union. [CNN American Morning]