David And Lisa Oldfield’s Dog Has Been Feasting On Delicious Things!

THINGS MY DOG RUFUS HAS EATEN

* A chair
* Holy Water from Lourdes
* Countless packets of cigarettes
* His own poo

THINGS LISA AND DAVID OLDFIELD’S DOG DINKY HAS EATEN

* Six condoms. Ewwwww!

Reported the Daily Telegraph yesterday:

If being dressed up as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz wasn’t bad enough, little Dinky Oldfield brought new meaning to the idea of a sick puppy last week, requiring an emergency trip to the vet after eating a “six-fingered latex glove”.

Six-fingered latex glove? Ho, ho, we think not!

Fearing for the dogs life, the one-time TV panellist pushed through the line to saying her “little scallywag” needed help. But after Dr Chris Watkins immediately pumped the six-month-old pups stomach, he didn’t discover a glove, but six coloured condoms.

Uh-huh.

Abandoning the initial “six-fingered latex glove” excuse, Lisa explained away how six coloured condoms ended up inside poor little Dinky.

“David was cleaning out his office and left out a box of condoms given to him by a safe sex group in Canberra or something and the dog got into them when I was in the shower”

Of course, of course.

Although… The Daily Telegraph raises a valid point when they pipe up with:

While it is not known how the puppy got through the foil packet to get to each individual condom, we didn’t ask.

Look, let’s just be really honest here. The Oldfields had probably had a sex bender, and the dog gobbled up the leftovers after they ducked into the shower for some post-coital cleansing. I hardly think anyone is in a position to get judgemental about this incident. Who here can honestly say they’ve never chewed on David Oldfield’s used condoms before, or “Redneck Bubblegum” as I like to call them? Not me. I only just spat one out.

Also: I would really, really like it if the phrase “We’re gonna need the six-fingered latex glove” entered the vernacular as an expression meaning “We are about to embark on an all night bang-a-thon, ready yourself”. Thank you, Australia.

MORE: David and Lisa Oldfield’s dog Dinky sick after eating six condoms