Monday, January 12, 2009
An Open Letter To Sharks
4:36PM Jess McGuire | Dear Sharks,
Dudes, you need to back off! I know the sea is your domain and stuff, but seriously – you need to calm down on the biting of humans. Otherwise someone’s gonna make a sequel to Revenge Of A Shark Victim, catch my drift? You are becoming the new Qantas, and I’d really like a break from opening up the paper and hearing you’re in more trouble.
Yours,
Defamer Australia
PS: How good does this movie look, seriously?
MORE:
Third shark attack in two days
Aussie surfer attacked by shark
Cousin saves girl, 13, in shark attack
Lifeguard’s close encounter with shark More » 
Dame Kiri Te Kanawa Is Quite The Fisherwoman!
4:11PM Jess McGuire | Did you know that Dame Kiri Te Kanawa was a fishing enthusiast? No, neither did I. But she is, and she just reeled in one hell of a fish.
Reports New Zealand’s Sunday News -
Dame Kiri Te Kanawa won’t have to sing for her supper for a while. On Wednesday, the Kiwi diva caught a 217kg blue marlin in the seas off Cape Brett in the Bay of Islands.
217kg blue marlin? Christ almighty – that’s nearly a Biggest Loser contestant! It took the Dame 50 minutes to reel that massive beast in, and lucky for those of us intrigued by the opera singer’s skills when it comes to deep sea fishing (and why wouldn’t you be intrigued, unless you have no soul?), the Bay of Islands Swordfish Club spokeswoman is spilling her guts. More » 
Can You Help Fernando Verdasco’s Publicist?
4:03PM Jess McGuire | Last time I took Noiseworks’ advice and attempted to “reach out and touch somebody” by doing a good deed, it resulted in Larry Emdur emailing me and offering to be my personal assistant (well, that’s how I choose to remember it). So because I am selfish, I am going to do another good deed on the off chance it benefits me later on.
I received the following urgent sounding missive from claiming to be the PR lady for tennis player Fernando Verdasco (I had to Google his name to work out that was his occupation, you know – I am so out of the loop) and I’m not going to lie to you, it touched my heart.
It starts breathlessly -
This is insane, never reached to anyone in Australia with paparazzi or press or whatever but hello!!!
- and then launches into the asking of favours.
More » Peter Overton Taking ‘The Little Engine That Could’ Approach To His New Job
3:55PM Jess McGuire | Recently appointed Channel Nine weekday news reader Peter Overton has declared he has no intention of turning into Eddie McGuire, despite the gobsmacking parallels between the two men as pointed out by the Daily Telegraph. Both work at Channel Nine! Both started as sports reporters! Both have been promoted during some point of their career! Both have doodles! That last one was mine, not the Daily Telegraph’s, but I ask you… coincidence?
Thankfully, Peter Overton has no desire to become Eddie Everywhere.
“I don’t aspire to be CEO,” Overton told The Daily Telegraph with a wry smile.
I could actually feel the wryness of that quote when I read it, you know.
As for Peter’s actual new job, how’s he planning on approaching it?
More » 
Mike Munro Is Hoping Everyone Forgets He Ever Hosted ‘A Current Affair’
3:19PM Jess McGuire | More Seven Versus Nine news, with Mike Munro confirmed as the host of the marvellously titled new current affairs show which’ll be screened on Sunday nights called Sunday Night.
Mike Munro hopes to return to top quality investigative current affairs on television after joining Channel 7 during the week.
Wait a second, Herald Sun – are you insinuating that the years Mike spent hosting A Current Affair were not spent working in the world of top quality investigative current affairs? But… but… this makes no sense! The show was called A Current Affair, for god’s sake! What else could it have been about? Dole bludgers, supermarket secrets, and dangerous bras of the world? I refuse to believe it. I mean, I also refuse to tune in to ever find out for myself, but I’m gonna give Mike Munro the benefit of the doubt.
Let’s learn more about Sunday Night. More » Anne Hathaway Would Prefer Not To Imagine Her Parents’ Banging The Night Away, If That’s Okay
3:00PM Jess McGuire | I’m not sure if you guys would be aware of this*, but there’s a movie called Bride Wars out on January 15th and it stars Kate Hudson and Anna Hathaway. Anyway, during the New York premiere of the movie, Anna Hathaway’s parents revealed a little more than the actress would have liked about why their marriage is as strong as oak.
Anne Hathaway has been left red-faced by her own parents – after they told a gossip columnist “great sex” is the secret to their long marriage. Attorney Jerry Hathaway and his former actress wife Kate were proud parents on the red carpet at the New York premiere of their daughter’s latest movie Bride Wars this week.
Anne’s reaction to discovering her oldies had been happily informing NY Post gossip maven Cindy Adams that they like nothing better than whipping out the ol’ six fingered latex glove?
“Oh, please, I’m going to forget they talked about their great sex. I prefer to think they just blinked at one another and I was conceived.”
Indeed.
MORE: Hathaway Embarrassed By Her Parents’ Candid Sex Talk
*LOLOLOLOL ETC! More » 
Australian Open Referees Will Ensure Female Players Behave Like Ladies, Not Skanky Hoes
2:25PM Jess McGuire | Listen, female tennis players who played at the Hopman Cup. You may think you’re helping your career by wearing skimpy skirts and see through shirts when bashing a ball back and forth over a net for an interminable number of hours, but you’re wrong.
You’re disgracing your reputations, you’re bringing the wonderful game of tennis into disrepute, and all the lads magazine attention won’t make up for the fact that you’ve cheapened yourselves. What would your granny, god rest her soul, say if she saw what you’d been bouncing around the court in? She’s probably rolling over in her grave as we speak!
Thankfully there’s no chance of you getting away with similarly slatternly behaviour at the Australian Open.
Australian Open referees will double as fashion police to stamp out skimpy outfits at the Melbourne event.
More » Heath Ledger Wins Posthumous Golden Globe For Best Supporting Actor
2:08PM Jess McGuire | Bookmakers claimed the late Heath Ledger was a ’sure bet’ to win a Golden Globe for his performance as The Joker in Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight, and they were right. His critically acclaimed turn as the villain from the Batman flick has resulted in him winning a Golden Globe, with his award being accepted by Nolan.
Batman director Christopher Nolan collected the best supporting actor award on behalf of Ledger, who died of an accidental overdose of prescription drugs in January last year at the age of 28.
More » 
Free-Spirited Isabel Lucas Taking A Very Free-Spirited Approach To Her Love Life
1:33PM Jess McGuire | Don’t start buying wedding gifts for new lovers Isabel Lucas and Joel Edgerton just yet, despite what Defamer Australia may have excitedly instructed you to do when news of the coupling made the papers on Friday.
Because I was totally wrong when I said the lure of getting some back alley love from Adrien Grenier no longer appealed to Isabel – The Daily Telegraph is reporting that the former Home & Away hottie is now juggling both fellows! You go, girl!
Just as news of her rumoured relationship with Joel Edgerton broke, boho babe Isabel Lucas has been seen canoodling with her ex Adrian Grenier not once, not twice but three times.
More » Mark Ferguson’s Newsreading Career Takes A Turn For The ‘Deliverance’
12:53PM Jess McGuire | I bet Mark Ferguson is really, really pleased that the media still aren’t tired of using the term “boned” whenever a Channel Nine employee is demoted/fired! Now that he’s been moved to the weekend newsreader role and Jessica Rowe’s husband Peter Overton has been given the coveted Monday to Friday seat, headlines are screaming “Mark Ferguson boned in favour of Peter Overton at the Nine Network”. It sounds like journalism slash fiction, but it’s just another day at Channel Nine…
Sixty Minutes journalist Peter Overton will replace struggling Mark Ferguson as the six o’clock newsreader as the Nine Network attempts to win back its audience from Channel Seven. Overton, who has coveted the prestigious slot for much of his journalistic career and was a protege of former star Brian Henderson, will start in the top job on Monday.
That’s today, people! What a shame… And to think, just the other day the papers were raving about how the cricket had helped Mark “crush” Channel Seven in the ratings.
Channel Nine word things a bit nicer, of course: More » 