Your New Year’s Resolutions Revealed
Having a hard time coming up with resolutions for 2009? We understand the difficulty in coming up with ways to improve your already perfect life. But the stars know a few things you don’t.
If today – December 29 – is your birthday: Your list of resolutions is ambitious – get a new job, drop 20 pounds, quit smoking, drink less – and we applaud you for your determination. Ironically, your other goals will be undone by an awesome new publicist position that requires you to eat three lunches a day, manage stress with nicotine, and basically replace your blood with free cocktails from celebrity fragrance launch parties.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Self-discipline and adherence to principles is a difficult but eventually satisfying path to success. Create a strict schedule for your writing, only associate with individuals who have your best interests in mind, and make all of your food in a rice cooker. It’s a spartan existence, but Roger Ebert gives it a thumbs up.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Greet the New Year with a smile, because a lot of sadness awaits you in ’09. Your commercial directing services will not be in demand, your girlfriend will dump you, and, worst of all, your hair will start thinning. We’re not sure how to deal with the first two problems, but given your lack of income, a hat might be a smart investment.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): While your blogging is important, it can’t take the place of actual artistic output. Either fully embrace your inner Courtney Love and become a professional diatribist, or get back in the studio and record some new tracks. No matter which alternative you choose, continue to do drugs and behave erratically.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Take the plunge this year. No, don’t propose to your long-suffering, anxiously-awaiting girlfriend. Instead, use that three-month’s salary to make a self-aggrandizing documentary about your journey to personal enlightenment through surfing. No one wants to plan a wedding, anyway.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): How do you top the personal victories you achieved in 2008? Keep doing the things that won you those battles: coopt the ideas of others, lie as often as possible, blame everyone at the studio except yourself, and attack anything that gets in your way. You might be just a PA, but you’re learning a pattern of behaviour that will serve you throughout life.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): The big 10-year high school reunion is in November, and you need to achieve something significant before then. It’s too late to get a script produced or become a big-time lawyer, but getting a mobile phone pic with Colin Firth would be better than nothing.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Fame is just outside your grasp, you just need to reach a little further. Stop auditioning for pointless sitcom arcs and cutting room floor film roles. You are good-looking and unbalanced enough to be a reality TV star.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Forget about the disaster that was 2008. You are moving forward, putting positive thoughts into the universe, and as long as you ask, believe, and receive, good things will happen. It’s too bad The Secret won’t be able to fix your fan belt in two weeks.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): It’s been five years in Los Angeles without much success, but if you listen to the stars, they’ll tell you that this is your year. Will you finally get promoted to a full agent? Is there a sweet development position in the cards? Probably not, they were just being nice.
Libra (September 23 – October 23): The acting career of Will Smith, a fellow Libra-ite (Libriegan? Librarian?), will show you the ideal lifepath this year. Your status as a box-office draw is unquestioned, but your ability to push morality plays will be undercut by the economic downturn. In this dark time, America wants you to go back to your roots: PG-rated rap songs, cop bromances, and fighting aliens instead of vaguely supporting a vague religion that vaguely revolves around aliens.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21): The lies have to stop in 2009. Sure, that time you spent studying at Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre in London was amazing and helped deepen your understanding of your craft, but it’s been six years and you are still faking that British accent you “picked up” during the six-week seminar. You are from Weehawken, New Jersey, for God’s sake.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): This is the year you commit to a green lifestyle. Don’t flush after you pee, switch to compact flourescent light bulbs, and get rid of that gas-guzzling Hummer H2 for the gas-sipping H3. It gets slightly better gas mileage and the sluts you usually pull at the clubs won’t know the difference.