Five Questions Regarding Scarlett Johansson’s Snotty Charity Kleenex

Well, it’s come to this:

From eBay:

During her 12/17/08 appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Scarlett Johansson blamed her cold on The Spirit co-star Samuel L. Jackson, saying she caught it from him. She believed that for this reason her cold had some “value.” During her appearance on The Tonight Show, she blew her nose into a tissue provided by Jay Leno. All proceeds of this sale will benefit USA Harvest, the charity of Scarlett Johansson’s choice.

Accompanying the item description is a helpful FAQ, submitted by eBay users with more than a passing interest in the mucousy refuse (current high bid: $US2,151.00). Still, not all our questions were answered, so we’ve compiled for your something we’re calling

The Five Most Fascinating Defamer Questions Regarding Scarlett Johansson’s Snotty Charity Kleenex, As Answered by Scarlett Johansson

5. Q: How do we know it wasn’t cloned?
A: I’m glad you asked that! There’s been a circulating rumour that I was cloned in a laboratory in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, North Bavaria. I assure you that I am the real Scarlett, however, and what you’re bidding on won’t have that tinny, cloned aftertaste.

4. Q: We hear The Spirit is pretty awful. Are its contents more awful than the contents of that tissue?
A: I’d say they are awful in different ways, but also similar in that they both contain only the colours black, red, and white.

3. Q: Why weren’t you a better sport about publicising Vicky Cristina Barcelona at Cannes? You were my muse!
A: Woody?
Q: *Click*

2. Q: Can you throw a Ryan Reynolds crispy-nap into the bargain?
A: No.

1. Q: Scarlett is a bloody cunt / L / Peace and love / [illegible] / fucker?
A. Do you want the Kleenex or not, Lindsay?

• OWN TISSUE FROM SCARLETT JOHANSSON & SAM JACKSON [eBay via Lisanti Quarterly]