Facebook Haters Have Turned On Nicole Kidman!

Journalist Fiona Connolly recently used column inches in the Daily Telegraph to alert readers to an extremely concerning issue – people on Facebook dislike Nicole Kidman. In fact, they loathe Our Nic TM enough to actually start spiteful groups which cruelly mock Nicole, her forehead, and her acting ability! It seems too horrible to be true, I understand. But our intrepid reporter has investigated the issue thoroughly and reached the only conclusion a decent and upstanding citizen possibly could…. Facebook is full of evildoers.

From the expose:

Someone I know suggested I join the Facebook group, “Am I Taking Crazy Pills or is Nicole Kidman the Worst Actress in the World?” I don’t know why. I am completely indifferent as to whether Kidman’s acting skills are bad, very bad or indeed the worst in the world. And I don’t know what a crazy pill is supposed to be.

I think they are probably talking about ecstasy. Facebook users gulp these crazy pills by the fistful, as apparently they make the process of poking friends and strangers more pleasurable. Disgusting, I know.

Ms Connolly continues:

But I was not entirely surprised it existed – Facebookers are inherently unpleasant and Kidman has always polarised people.

Wahey! Hello there, sweeping statement! Facebookers are inherently unpleasant? Tell that to Dannii Minogue! She’s probably right though – other than the homosexuals (and yours truly) who make up People For The Ethical Treatment Of Dannii Minogue, the social networking hell that is Facebook is pretty much made up of the most vicious and cruel bitches to ever walk the earth, sit down in front of a computer, and send a virtual plant to an associate using the (Lil) Green Patch application.

She goes on:

For every fan group there is at least one “So over Nicole Kidman” or “No wonder Tom Cruise is crazy and Keith drinks” group. Or nastier: “Nicole Kidman is Satan”, “Nicole Kidman Looks Like An Alien With Foetal Alcohol Syndrome” or just plain “I hate Nicole Kidman” groups.

And they are feral – men and women violently attacking a woman they have most likely never met or know personally.

They don’t just not like Nicole Kidman but are so filled with loathing and spite they are inspired to digitally alter photos so she looks 100 years old or attack her entirely innocent newborn baby – pages and pages of that malicious looniness bloggers are renowned for.

Wahey! Hello there, sweeping statement number two! Bloggers are renown for malicious looniness? YOU BITCH, CONNOLLY! I AM GOING TO EAT YOUR PETS AND POKE YOUR HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART ON FACEBOOK.

Actually, she’s probably right. Bloggers are crazy creatures, often petty and jealous and mean, and it’s about time someone put them in their place. God knows I need disciplinary action from time to time.

“She is manipulative, calculating and two faced!” said Avi Aronstan. “Nicole = Bland,” said another and “she has the emotional scope of a spoon and she’s ugly”, Jarrod Booth wrote. And that’s the printable stuff.

Jarrod Booth, Avi Aronstan – you just got named and shamed, dudes.

While I found the article to be wildly amusing and I enjoyed poking fun at it, there is a decent point being made here, people. Celebrities are real people. They have feelings and insecurities, and when you use a public forum to say horrible and distasteful things about them, there’s every chance they could read it and – shock horror! – feel hurt by what you’ve said.

Now if you’re fine with hiding behind a screen and slagging famous people off in order to get laughs from strangers on the internet, this shouldn’t worry you. But remember – one day a journalist penning a story about vicious haters on the web might actually publish the comments you made about a certain celebrity in what you thought was a harmless Facebook group discussion. And a year later, you might just run into Nicole Kidman at a party of a friend of a friend. You’ll find yourself reaching for the same canape, giggle, and make a little small talk, thinking to yourself “Wow, she’s quite lovely! And very attractive in the flesh – I guess I never really knew Nicole Kidman at all!”

And after a few minutes of chit chat, Nicole Kidman – like the down to earth streak of delightful ginger she is – will playfully put her hand out to shake yours and say “It’s nice to meet you – I’m Nic…”

And you’ll play it cool, but inside your stomach will be doing back flips, and you’ll be thinking to yourself that no one – no one – will ever believe you’ve become friends with Nicole fucking Kidman! And you’ll grab Nicole’s hand and shake it happily, and as soon as the words “Hi, I’m Jarrod Booth” or “Lovely to meet you too, I’m Avi – Avi Aronstan” escape from your mouth, you’ll be on the receiving end of the greatest scowl Nicole Kidman can manage to muster, and then a dainty lily white hand will make sharp contact with your face, and you’ll never ever live down the day you were bitchslapped by Nicole Kidman because you talked shit about her on Facebook. You have been warned.

As have I.

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