The Bid To Soften Elisabeth Hasselbeck Is Thwarted By A Napkin

Our operative on The View has informed us that in an attempt to curb the audience negativity toward Elisabeth Hasselbeck that’s built up over the last political season, producers are encouraging her to host fluffier segments (like bargain shopping and makeovers!) and to discuss her family more on-air. Sadly, Hasselbeck’s attempt to do the latter on today’s edition resulted in husband-directed hysteria pitched at a level where only dogs and William Ayers can hear.

While recounting a story about how her husband Tim simply wouldn’t brave a long holiday line to buy some $6.99 napkins (But the bargain, Tim! It was so relatable!), Hasselbeck immediately began to flail and rewrite her marriage vows on-air. “Ohhh,” moans an attempting-to-sympathise Barbara Walters, while secretly thinking, “You don’t have people for that? Why, once I was at a dinner party hosted by Henry Kissinger and Chita Rivera, and I sent this kind cater-waiter out to procure the cannelloni au gratin for me at Sardi’s. I tipped him with a signed headshot and a two-dollar bill, as was the custom at the time.”

• The View [ABC]